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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm confused. I have a boyfriend that I love a lot. He's my first love and when we started dating he swept me off my feet. We have EVERYTHING in common. Really. it's like we were made for each other. When we first met, the chemistry was crazy! We've been together for almost two years and he often talks about marriage and kids. But nothing can be too good to be true. There are issues regarding trust and jealousy. In short, he's so jealous and I knew from the start, that I never wanted to disclose my past (as it included a couple of gus he knows). One day he asked and I lied, but he was suspicious to start with so I came clean immediately. Not only did this break the trust, but he became judgemental (as I feared) about my past - most people I know thoug say that my bf has serious insecurity issues or something, because my past is tame (I was a virgin until I started dating him). This has improved, though I stopped talking to every guy from the past (even if nothing physical happened), and I also avoid topics like highschool memories, and stopped hanging out with some (gilr) friends because he thinks they're "easy". I love him very very much, and the times we've broken up I just haven't been able to stand the pain. I just can't see myself without him. We're very attached to each other and working on our issues.Now, to my confusion. The last guy I crushed on before I met my bf... well I still think of him and even dream of him every now and then in romantic situations. I don't feel anything for him like I used to, and I don't think I'd like a relationship with him. But he keeps popping up in my mind. And I don't know why, if he and I eventually lost all contact. let's call him F.I had seen him from way before I met him and was instantly attracted. I'd run into him sometimes and we'd eye contact like crazy. When I met him, things were going great, it seemed like we'd soon hook up but it didn't happen because out of the blue he became distant. There was this firend of his, C, who kinda got in the way. Guess it was awful timing. Eventually F told me though that he thought I was a great girl, that he valued me so much, that I was so special! But this was too late, as he said this to me at this party, and I had already hooked up with this stranger and had a mess with C as he told me about his own feelings for me and I didn't reciprocate.I knew I had to move on. I met my bf and we were friends for a while. It was my senior year in HS. I was trying to move on from F, and suddenly he gets a job at my school as an office clerk. He'd be distant, he'd be friendly... However I managed to move on, eventually started dating my bf and was happier than ever! I still was firendly and polite to F, even though I had moved on. However one day F saw me and my bf for the first time and since then he didn't even say hello to me for over a year. Then last year I started having he issues I mentioned with my bf. And I talked to both C and F for a while. C told me that back in the day F DID crush on me. And when I talked to F lastyear he was very nice and friendly, somehow the topic of my relationship came up and he was supportive of me. Everything was online though. He said things like I was a valuable great person and didn't deserve to be treated that way. But I cut contact with him for respect of my bf. My bf knows him, but they're not friends, as a matter of fact my bf hates him (because he knows I used to like him).Now I don't know why I keep thinking of him if I haven't seen him or talked to him since last year! Last time I saw him I didn't feel attracted to him and I don't feel anything for him and wouldn't want a relationship with him. I love my bf so much! Sometimes I don't even think about F, and then one night I'll dream of him. What's going on with me?(Sorry this was long, but I'm not very good at shortening stories. If you were patient enough, thanks)
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female
reader, Concernedlistener  +, writes (30 July 2008):
I don't have an answer on the F person, but I want to mention something and hope you are still reading these posts that come in. I was trained at the violence free crisis line and I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship so I partially know from experience. I don't think your relationship with your current boyfriend is very healthy. The characteristics you listed are a basic profile of an abusive partner (jealous, isolating, insecure), he is probably a little controlling also. I don't know who you are but I'm concerned about you because nobody deserves to be in that sort of relationship. Maybe it's not abusive right now, but it most likely will eventually get that way and it doesn't have to be physical abuse either(in fact emotional abuse is usually more damaging in the long run.) I'm sorry I'm not telling you what you want to hear, I just want to let you know the relationship is unhealthy, I'm worried about you and F is right...you don't deserve that. Try not to isolate yourself so much, if you eventually want to get out you'll need help and that is often the reason people do not leave their partner who is abusive, because they say "well, then what...?", they have no where to go. Please be careful
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): I don't have an answer on the F person, but I want to mention something and hope you are still reading these posts that come in. I was trained at the violence free crisis line and I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship so I partially know from experience. I don't think your relationship with your current boyfriend is very healthy. The characteristics you listed are a basic profile of an abusive partner (jealous, isolating, insecure), he is probably a little controlling also. I don't know who you are but I'm concerned about you because nobody deserves to be in that sort of relationship. Maybe it's not abusive right now, but it most likely will eventually get that way and it doesn't have to be physical abuse either(in fact emotional abuse is usually more damaging in the long run.) I'm sorry I'm not telling you what you want to hear, I just want to let you know the relationship is unhealthy, I'm worried about you and F is right...you don't deserve that. Try not to isolate yourself so much, if you eventually want to get out you'll need help and that is often the reason people do not leave their partner who is abusive, because they say "well, then what...?", they have no where to go. Please be careful
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (8 July 2008):
 I have this theory that we all have this guy/girl in our heads and that when we have a relationship, as wonderful as it can be, we sometimes go back to that person in our heads. We tend to idealize people. This person becomes the one who wouldn't have my current partner's problems. For example, F might not be jealous, or you could be happier with him, or what if you never dated your current bf, what would have happened between you and F? And these thoughts, at least in my case, are merely amusement (I make sure not to act up on them knowing I am only idealizing the situation; he might not have this or that problem but he would surely have others). They are kind of an scape from the reality of my relationship, just gives you that butterfly in the tummy feeling that you might not feel any longer or as often with your current partner (which is totally normal for long relationships).
So... I would not think much about that but I wouldn't act up on it either. Maintain your distance from F!!! However, your bf attitudes/jealousy need to be revised. Some of the things you said sound like a red flag for me.
Best of lucks!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): Since you struggled to get over F so much, and then he comes back into your life and supports you through this time, of course he'll be on your mind.Everyone loves support. Everyone loves someone to care. And he was doing just that. He wouldn't be jealous of you with other people, he wouldn't treat you wrong. Thats whats going on in your mind, even if you don't realize it. Its weird. Sometimes when I cry I think, why am I crying its not that bad. Its only until a later I realize how bad it really is.Your mind works it out before you can work it out. That didn't make much sense, and if you didn't understand it, don't worry about it =PWhat you want to do now is up to you. Your current boyfriend is what got you over F. You said you were happier than ever. Question your current feelings. I can't guess if it is actually a problem but I gather it is.
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