A
female
age
30-35,
*ativeli14
writes:This question is going to go a little deeper from this post:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriend-told-me-let-me-get-fat.html I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now coming December 13th. We've hit some bumps in the road and I don't know whether we should piece them out, take a break and figure out what we want/need, or just end it. We have a son together. I got pregnant soon as we met. I didn't even know him long, only about 2 months when I got pregnant in December. We found out I was pregnant after we broke up that February. Our relationship only lasted for 2 months. I was very clingy and all, didn't know why because that wasn't the usual me. It was the hormones from my body changing because of pregnancy. So I did a test after we broke up, I was suspicious that I was pregnant. After I told him I was pregnant we got back together. I don't know that that is a good reason to get back together... This is my first child. I was really attached to him at the time and thought that that would be a good idea. Throughout pregnancy and now that the baby is here now, we've had disagreements. I had to fight with him just t o give the baby a middle name along with his (the father's full name plus jr.). We have different lifestyles and I did not think of these things until now. They smoke cigarettes and weed at his house and I don't want my son around it. He has told me that he grew up that way so he thinks it's fine. I did not grow up that way, so I disapprove. Plus, my son was premature! I only want the best for my baby. I feel yes he should have his daddy, but some of the things 'daddy' approves of is not good. He's does not think of what consequences there are that could happen when making certain decisions with my son. I watch my son on a daily without him. We do not live together. I work 4 hours out of the day 5 times a week, 8.00 dollars an hour to have some cash. My mom and step dad help me greatly since the beginning with preparing for the baby and all. I save my money and help my mom when I can and when she asks. I don't beg him for money , I expect him to bring what he thinks he should bring to the plate. He will be 28 this November. I'll be 23 in November. I constantly hear how I don't know anything because he's older than me, but I think I know a thing or two, not everything, some things though. He has told me before that what I make in two months at my job that he makes that in a week. I don't see anything to show for his money and he does poorly at saving it and spending it. It isn't my money though, so I don't say much. I don't know what I go into. I realized I took no time to get to know him and when I jumped into a relationship with him I was vulnerable. At the time I was going through a court process, I got into some trouble when I was younger with no support of any friends or a significant other. Then he came along and seemed decent, he was very caring of the situation and all. I felt secure with him and he made me really happy. Now, he says hurtful things and has absolutely no filter. We fight for different reasons: decisions about the baby, me not wanting to be sexually active with him at this time, my appearance after the baby and things that I want from him..He's wanted me to get into a truck with my son sitting on my lap and driving to our destination without my son in a car seat saying that he did it when he was little and what is the big deal! My son was only 10 and a half months old. I put my foot down and said no, not happening. This happened because he let his tires get bald and didn't buy new ones regardless that he found the supposed rims he wanted for his bmw that needs a lot of work. He said he was waiting to get nice rims. The bald tire ripped and then we were driving on the rim and needed someone to come for us. These are poor decisions. Sure I didn't tell him about how bad of a person he was for not taking care of his car at the time, but I sure did use it as an example of some things you don't need to say or remind someone about because they are negative and mean to say. If you refer back to this post here is one of our situations:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriend-told-me-let-me-get-fat.htmlWe've had very few of these situations where we disagree. I don't desire sex right now for what maybe 2 reasons, I'm at my moms in my brothers room with my son. I don't want to hurry and buy a place with him because of how I'm seeing the way his personality is now. Two, I just don't have time or energy for it or want it because how he talks about my figure. I never once told him about his figure when his muscle-y arms went way. He is a thin guy and that's probably where I went wrong. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm not super thin or super thick. I'm in between. It's a constant boob grab, vagina grab or caressing, I especially hate that when my son is awake that he's trying to that because who's watching him if we aren't!? No one. Not okay. He tried making out with me and crap and my son toppled over on the bed and hit his head on his toy. I was pretty pist and told him that is exactly why I told you no! I constantly try to make the best decisions I can being a first mom. It's very important to me and makes me feel terrible if I don't. I want to be hugged and held sometimes because things get stressful. I also am finishing an online college class which was a lot of hard work! Again, I got little help with my son, but I still did it. Recently, just yesterday, he told me I'm a slacker. Why because I do my homework last minute when it's due. I shot back at him and told him I use my time all week up until it's due. I do a little her and there when I can. Mostly when my son is asleep late at night. I work, take care of my son and finished a college class and I'm a slacker? Then, he told me I'm lucky that he isn't being with other girls because I don't enjoy him touching me or having sex. Maybe I would enjoy it if we had our own space and if I felt like I was beautiful to him. It's hard for me.I told him maybe he should figure out what he wants! Sure, guys have needs, but when I ask him to hold me or hug me and give me that simple affection showing that he genuinely cares is too much to ask for. . And after mean things are said and done all he has to say is I'm sorry I don't mean it like that or that he's an asshole. Don't say them in the first place, have a filter! I do have a filter on always, If I didn't hurtful things would be said. I'm just not that type of person. I'm too laid back to be mean and nasty...I just wish he had a filter and thought before he spoke. I'm to the point where I'm thinking of breaking up with him and telling him let's take a break whether he goes with other girls or not and calling quits. Or, reasons why I shouldn't break up with him. I don't know if he's going to change. I gave him two chances talking about my figure. The first time was when my son was around 8 months old when I moved his hands from my breast area to my waist area and he said I don't want your stomach. I took as I don't want your fat. Sorry I'm not appealing. I feel like I work hard, but sometimes I don't even feel good enough for the credit and I feel like crap. Other guys look at me like how he 'used' to look at me. I know I need to work on my figure and that comes in time, but damn he doesn't have to be so mean and nasty about it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2014): Get away mentally and physically, from this loser as fast as possible. He is not deserving of you and the baby AT ALL. It wont be easy but I promise it will be worth it. I would like to give a more detailed answer but Im on my phone not the computer. Look at how you are doing without him already! Work, being a mom, studying online which to be fair requires alot of motivation in itself. He is the slacker here, not bothered with seeing that his child has what he needs. Your mom is helping with his child more than he is. He sounds unbelievably immature and careless. You deserve so much better
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (6 July 2014):
 OP, I'm sorry the situation is this dire. But I wanted to encourage you that if you do break up with him, I highly doubt you'd lose custody of your child. Can you get some free legal advice to start off with? Find out about custody and what he should be providing financially for your baby.
Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, nativeli14 +, writes (5 July 2014):
nativeli14 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Cindy,
Thanks for the words! Yes that was top of the ice berg. There's a lot that happens and I'm blinded because I constantly hang on to our good past times hoping they will happen again. I fancy happiness again. . I'm living in a dream and now I feel I know my next step with him. To break up. I don't know if he does hold out but I've thought the same as you said. Yes, he's told me my son doesn't know what sex is he's too young. And no that doesn't give me the go to do it while my baby is awake. I believe even giving up many things for my baby. The is a time and place for it.
You're right. He probably doesn't care. I don't know if it's in this post or the other one. But I don't want to live him because of how he acts now. . I can't predict that we would be happy. I don't know that.
If I do break up with him that means we battle in court for my son. I have bad luck. . And I do fear that sometimes! And I feel like I don't want to anymore. .I needed that extra push! Thanks again
..
I just don't want my son to have to go through whatever is over at his house. His family can be pretty cruel to their kids that they have there. I've watched them.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 July 2014):
 Oh then the fat issue was just the tip of the iceberg, and this new post draws a different scenario. In fact, frankly I am amazed that you are even so flustered about him calling you fat. This is apparently the least of your problems.
I think you made a bad decisison- hey it happens. You got pregnant by, basically, a stranger, with whom also the relationship was already unstable and rocky to begin with- and you tried to patch things up to give a biparental stable loving family to your child.
Reasonable plan, only it's not working, is it.
He makes one grand a week- why aren't you living together then ? Why does he make you live as some 16 y.o. high schooler who got herself into trouble at prom ? Why is he not acting as a family man if the idea was to give your son a dad ? Why have your parents to shell out , albeit occasionally, for HIS kid. That's irresponsible, selfish and reckless. But
you help him in that, you just accept any occasional contribution he may want to bestow. Because " it's his money " . Whaaat ?. He has a kid now. It's HIS kid 's money too ,that he is blowing on himself.
He is also totally irresponsible in his parenting, in fact he is not actually doing any parenting, he's just living his life as usual, and coming to visit you some times and oh yes, you also have a kid there, my gf has a kid, what a drag. I was particularly impressed by the fact that if you let him he'd have no qualms in having sex with you just there and then, under your 11 months kid's wide open eyes. Maybe someone might say that " baby is so young, he would not understand what's gong on anyway " which I suppose it's true and yet... that's SO weird. I don't know of anybody who did or would do that. Including Amazonas primitive tribes or something, those studied by anthropologists. These people may have less hang ups about sexuality and go around with just a penis-sheath on, and often consummate the marrage and deflore the bride in a public ceremony - but no kids. Kids stay with the elders in another hut.
Talk about no filters.
The problem is that you want him to show you that he genuinely cares... haven't you ever though that maybe he does NOT genuinely care ? maybe he basically does not care, you just " happen" , he seems to be the very much in-the-moment, impulse driven guy, he happened to get you pregnant, then he happened to break up, then he happened to be back and muck around with you and your child in a very " whatever " fashion. Belly or not, he seems to be still attracted to you and very desirous to get into your pants aagain- and maybe THAT's the challenge that keeps him around . Other than that, he does not seem much emotionally invested in your life as a couple, and in a common future as a family. ( Btw : personally I don't believe for a sec that a guy like this is not " seeing " other women and is just doing without since one year or so, to respect your feelings. Chances are he gets his fill elsewhere, that's way he is not giving you ultimatums and taking this sexual draught rather good naturedly . I would bet big money on that, but of course , that's just an unsubstantiated guess , I have absolutely no evidence to convince you of that ).
Is he ever going to change, are things ever going to change ?... Who knows, OP. He does not seem the type who WANTS to change and would be going to couple therapy, or take parenting classes etc.... but who knows, OP, we really can't tell, we can't see the future, maybe at some point he'll grow up .
But.... should you just sit tight and wait for that moment ? Uhm,,, IMO, no. You can't be in love with a person's "potential" , OP- particularly when you have children, you've got to be here NOW, and stay with what it is.
What it is now, is that you are putting up with an emotonally abusive dickhead, with no sex or affection or money or valid help in parenting in return. So, rather than asking yourself why is he acting like this, a good question is : WHY are you putting up with this ? Do you have to ? Do you WANT to ?
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A
female
reader, nativeli14 +, writes (5 July 2014):
nativeli14 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you anon,
I wanted to try to look at my situation from all perspectives. Not just a single one, negative or even just mine. I want all the advice I can get to make a good decision about it this. .
No harm done :) I wanted to provide as much info as I could, any questions feel free to ask. . I came here to this site seeking help??
All thoughts are welcomed. Thanks for the feedback. It is greatly appreciated and very helpful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2014): This guy sounds like an absolute scumbag and you must know that having come on here and wrote all that.
I'm really sorry you feel like you rushed into things with this guy, maybe you did, but it sounds like you've got your head screwed on right and are doing your best to be a good mum. He sounds like a bad parent and a bad partner, very selfish, immature, no matter how you were bought up you NEVER put your child at risk without a proper carseat or breathing in smoke. You're a good mum and I appreciate you want him to be part of the babies life but I think that he is not supporting you and clearly doesn't care much when it comes to being the best dad he can be.
I would dump this loser and focus on everything you're trying so hard with (work, college, being a mum). He's disrespectful and I cannot believe he is 28 he sounds about 15.
Good luck honey, you sound like you and your child deserve so much more than him.
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