A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Two and a half years ago I left an almost decade long relationship/marriage to a morbidly jealous psychologically abusive man - he always accused me of cheating, but I never did. I stayed too long, and left at the last minute, before he could suck the last bit of life out of my soul. It was for me the right time to leave, but the length of time exposed to his terror left lasting damage. I have rebuilt myself very much since then, but in some ways I am still very broken. Since then I've been in two pseudo-relationships (longer-term fwb) and other than that just various other fb/fwb relationships and one/two/three-night stands, which I have no problem with other than the inherent std dangers that are there to a degree even if condoms are worn. Basically have not been in a real relationship since I left my exhusband. Part of me has needed this change of pace, but another part of me is questioning what this means for me in the long-term. This March I tested positive for genital herpes. My circumstances are such that I am not sure if I got it from my ex husband or from one of the various fwb I have had, because my exhusband also had what seemed like a gh outbreak several months before I left him. Regardless, getting gh has made me come to almost a full stop with having sex. Something I haven't done since first becoming sexually active many years ago. It has been a difficult and necessary phase for me that I am going through. I think I am for the first time in my adult life being forced to face myself alone, with no distraction to numb the pain/reality, and attend to my own demons. I am trying to stay sexually inactive til 2015, but I have literally no clue what I will do after that. Will I continue to just have fwb or will I try to have a real boyfriend? I am at a point in my life so emotionally exhausted and resentful of other people's selfishness and emotional abuse that I don't know if I have it in me, to give of myself again, the way a real relationship asks of you. I used to be giving to a fault when it came to my relationships, but I have grown so protective of my freedom and independence these days, and now I just have no clue if I should ever be in a relationship again, and I don't know how healthy it is to remain alone either. I feel so broken. Any words of advice?
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condom, emotionally abusive, herpes, jealous, my ex, std Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (17 August 2014):
 Do what feels right for you. You can't plan everything. Just live your life and do what you want to do and what makes you feel comfortable. If you are happy alone right now then be alone. If you are still content alone 5 years from now. That's your prerogative. This is YOUR life. It doesn't matter if someone else thinks being alone is unhealthy, that is their opinion and their choice. There are people in unhealthy relationships just so they aren't alone so how is that better off?
My mother has been in an abusive relationship since she was 13. All she wants is to be alone. She doesn't ever want to date again when my father passes away, she just wants freedom. Some people wouldn't agree and think she should try and find a good relationship. But people don't understand what it is like to go without freedom for so long. You have every right to enjoy yours and do whatever you want.
If or when you do decide you want a relationship again you can make it work. There are so many different types of people and relationships out there. Tons of men want independent women and tons of relationships have plenty of time apart. You find someone compatible to you and it works itself out. Not everyone is selfish and emotionally abusive. Your ex did do a number on you and if you haven't yet, you probably should seek out a counselor to speak to. Truly healing and getting past your past will help you if you ever decide you do want to have a serious relationship in the future.
For now be patient with yourself. Stop trying to force yourself to want certain things or plan for year 2015. You are free from a terrible man, this is the time to finally be able to relax. Do whatever you want to do. Take things slowly and date when you are ready. Trying to have a plan or worrying about what you 'should be' doing is causing unnecessary stress. As for GH, you can meet a partner who will accept what you have. This is not the end of your romantic life. You may feel broken but you will be okay, it takes time to heal from someone like your ex.
A
male
reader, theserman +, writes (17 August 2014):
you cant give up your lovelife u will be board and at some point depresed please find someone to make u happy
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2014): I feel after you take time to rest and build yourself up you will know the answer to your relationship questions. Now is the time to nourish yourself. It may take a few years, but it's worth it. You're already in a better place now, even with gh, because you're away from negative people and you have yourself to give you the love you need.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2014): I'm sorry this has happened to you. I know it has got to be hard, but try to remember that there is more to love than sex. I would still get to know men and just let them know when you feel you're ready to tell them. If a guy loves you enough and he is sure he wants to commit to you, the std will not be a big deal.
You might also look into support groups. I've come across personal ads for people infected with herpes only, so you might look into that. If someone already has it, there will be no harm in being with you.
You might also consider how many other people have oral herpes. They try to say that it is different, but it is not, and if someone has oral herpes and gives oral sex to someone else during an outbreak, that person can get those herpes on their genitals. I'm sure it's a pain to deal with, but I bet it's a lot more common than you think.
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