A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have found myself in a situation where I have two men in love with me, both of which are younger than myself. I am petite, successful, educated and attractive, look many years younger than my age (41). I do not feel comfortable with having two men in my life and need to stop this before someone really gets hurt, and it may be too late for that. I am hoping for a little advice, so here's a description of the two guys. I have known both of these men for a long time, and I never meant to actually be involved with both of them simultaneously, it just happened... Guy A is 38 and wonderful to me, not the best sex, but he has an eloquence that I find very attractive, and he is loving to everyone, compassionate, polite and coaches children. He is successful and a good businessman, not pretentious at all, kind of a slob but is quite humorous about it. Never been married, but is willing to try. Tall, athletic, great dancer, crooked teeth but beautiful eyes, consistently late.Guy B is 33 and also treats me very well, he feels that we are meant to be together. We have just lately had the most incredible sex (for which I feel a little guilty, kind of ;-). He comes from a wealthy family, has terrific taste in art and homes. He had a bad marriage with a younger woman who tried to take him for money, and he feels safe with me. His views are a bit, shall we say, not politically correct, but I honestly do agree mostly. He's so darn funny and incredibly loving to me and I feel completely comfortable with him and his little dog. He is a big man, very handsome, well read, neat, punctual, also a very good businessman.I am going to bring up to B the issue of our large age difference, and perhaps this will solve my problem if he decides that 10 years from now, he may want to be with someone younger. Also B wants children, which I have already accepted that I will not have any. Guy A would love to have children, but would pass if it meant me.I could use some insight.....
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): Oh thanks lady.
You've known one for 2 weeks and the other for 4 weeks. This is pathetic. Youve had sex with both.
Youre in a dream. Lets not waste any more time on you.
A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (7 February 2008):
 I can't help myself . . . I just had to respond to your latest post.
2 weeks with one and a month with the other and they're both in love with you? You must be magical! A modern day Aphrodite! Do you realize how vain you sound? I bet not.
I think you're doing the right thing, going for the guy with the "terrific taste in art and homes." LOL. What, are you an art critic too? LOL.
I hope for their sake, they wake up and smell the gold-digger.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've only been dating Guy A for a month, two weeks for Guy B, although I've known them much longer...
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): You say it is so sad like it is the guys fault BUT you are the one who has created this situation. You are deliberately causing pain and hurt to people. One was always going to be hurt by this. As a woman you know this.
Really, I do not think you truely love either of these men knowing that you are are going to create this hurt and pain. You have only to look on this website to read about people hurting after a year or more when they discover the cheating that has been going on. Unable to get the images of cheating out of their heads.
What if one attempted suicide over this? Don't you understand how serious this can be?
Another persons life is going to be badly upset because of this type of very selfish behaviour. So unnecessary.
Why don't you just flip a coin to decide?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, they know I am waivering, and and I find myself drawn to Guy B, and Guy A feels me pulling away, it is so sad....
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reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (5 February 2008):
I guess I'm one of the "smug" people that anon refers to. Nobody here can tell you which one to choose. Only you know what you're looking for in a partner. If you want two partners, so be it. Just be sure they both know about each other. Nobody likes to be deceived, whether you feel vindicated because you don't "pry" into their personal lives or not. I have a gut feeling that you know that they are both devoted to you, and you only. Otherwise, you're concern for whether they get hurt or not would be moot.
This is my last comment on the subject.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, anon, for such a thoughtful response, your insight is what I was hoping for. I appreciate that...
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2008): I am not sure I am trying to answer your specific question because there isn't an answer, but I would like to comment on a few points.
I am 54 and have learned that age is no barrier, in fact mostly irrelevant except interestingly down to ones own experience and maybe appearance, and how people relate to you.
Now I am 'older' it is funny how not knowing someone else's age causes surprise when one finds out. I deal with medical records and sometimes a guy is with me and I think he is 'old' and an internal pigeon hole device puts him in a category too old for me, and he turns out to be 10 years younger!
I also often find men attractive who are 20 years older when a guy 20 years younger has no appeal at all. It is all down to chemistry, and that brings me to another point. It is OK for all you smug people out there to sit back and judge others, but we do not always choose to 'love' two people. I also think many people have happy marriages without any chemistry and that friendship and good sex is adequate, or even without good sex, friendship, trust and honesty is the most important ingredient so I would choose the guy who you trust. The one who would stick by you if you had to have a breast removed, someone who is prepared to put your interests before his, even though because you love him you would not let him. A guy whose values you could live with long term and respect him for them.
... but age...nah...tis nothing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2008): Hi
I am going to propose another option for you......
I think that maybe you should consider that neither of them may be Mr Right as my conclusion is that if you cannot find something about either of them which is the deciding factor in how, who and what you wish to do with your life, then perhaps neither of them are what you are either needing or wanting. But your having a great time.
Maybe you should consider what it is that you are looking for.
I would suggest that neither of them rock your world, and if this is so - wouldn't you want someone who does?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008): So guy A, closer to your age (more on the same page as far as life), never been married and willing to try (and therefore not holding onto bad feelings about the past with someone else). If he is a great dancer, then you can always teach him to be a better lover (plus then you do more exploring together).
Guy B, sounds great, but you never know if in time down the road it would work out. Is he open to a marriage too (maybe on the rebound), or is he going to hesitate because of his past experiences? Incredible sex is great, but sometimes that will fizzle out later.
So regardless of success, wealth, attraction, in the long run which one are you going to have a friendship and relationship with that lasts??? A stronger friendship will make a lasting relationship if everything else works out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I talked to Guy B last night and he steadfastly refused to consider our age difference, and said he wants to give me the freedom to make up my mind whether I want to be with him...sigh...(not making this easy on me)...now comes Guy A...
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 Most older women would prefer the younger guys. They are more appealing even though the age difference is larger but in love, it does not count.
You not only is looking for love but also a sexual partner who can perform to your satisfaction.
I would say go for the younger guy and don't worry about the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008): The one you feel the most comfortable with,Sorry but, I can't help feeling that you still don't feel like you should if you were trully in love, when you meet "Mr. Right" you just know, if you met him, you would not have this dilemma. You don't care for neither of these guys, it is a matter of companionship on your part not love......I hope that your party-triangle doesn't blow up badly for you....
GOOD LUCK
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008): Oh this is so so easy. I don't know why you have difficulty sorting this one out. The answer is quite simple. You give both of them a test. You tell them both exactly the same message, it must be identical to the word. You look them in the eye and explain that as well as seeing them you've sleeping with and seeing someone else at the same time. All you have to do now is see how they handle it. You will find out so much more about them by this simple little test. Very revealing. I don't know why you haven't done this already. Good luck
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reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (1 February 2008):
I forgot the question.
BTW, I'm hot and appealing and I'm 53 . . . but I look A LOT younger. ROTFLMAO.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, there hasn't been a conversation with either of them about being exclusive, and I do not pry into what they do when they are not with me, as that is simply not my style...
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reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (31 January 2008):
Hi. You are definitely stuck on the horns of a dilemma. Torn between two lovers, if you will. I was in a similar situation once myself. I was dating two women that were both attractive, attentive, and fun to be with. As the relationships started to progress, I felt like I had to make up my mind as to which one I wanted to spend more time with. I'm a one woman man, and I felt that, in order for me to be focused on one, I had to drop the other. It was hard to do, but it had to be done. The one that I chose never knew about the other (as far as I know anyway), but I did tell the one that I dumped why she was being dumped. She was hurt and I didn't feel good about hurting her, because I did care about her. You have gotten yourself in too deep with two people. Being sexually active, in my book, represents a form of commitment to someone (unless you're a sleep around, which I don't think you are). Since you have created a form of commitment to two men, you are in the unenviable position of having to choose one over the other, if you want to move either relationship forward. It sounds as though you are trying to be pragmatic and weigh the pros and cons of each relationship. It's hard to be pragmatic in affairs of the heart . . . and only your heart can guide you through this one. Who do you love? Or do you love either one? Only you know the answers to these questions. Hopefully, you'll learn not to get involved with two people at the same time in the future. Good luck.Ponungp.s. - I never thought I wanted to have children either, but one day I decided it was time. It was the best decision I ever made.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTrue, hind-sight is 20/20, and I am back at square one.....
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reader, Serinity +, writes (31 January 2008):
 You say you prefer 1 man at a time yet you've been carrying on with two. Now you are at a point where you feel you need to choose only one without devistating the other. That's something you should have considered before you become physically and emotionally involved with the two of them. Now you have two men who are emotionally attached to you but have no idea that you have someone else on the side. If you realize that you're the only one who can make this decision based on what you know about them and your feelings toward them, then what is your question? We can't choose for you and they both sound like good guys. There's really not much more advise to offer.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2008): WOW! is all I can say. Search deep with in your heart and think on it. It is going to be a very tough decision, but I'm sure you will make the best one. I wish you luck and success in your decision.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know it is my decision, which is why I am agonizing over this (get it? Agony Aunts?). I probably could carry on with both of them for a while longer, but I prefer one man at a time, thanks. Plus, if either found out about the other he would be so hurt, and I honestly love them both. They are so different from each other. Guy A has been my friend for a very long time, Guy B not as long, but he has always felt like I was the one and I certainly remember that day we met. Guy A wouldn't hurt a fly, Guy B would pulverize it. Different styles of dealing with issues, both of which are effective, especially in their respective businesses, which are just as different as the men.
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reader, Serinity +, writes (31 January 2008):
Hmmm, sounds like a tough decision. I think you need to try and look at long term here. Which one do you think you'd be most comfortable spending the rest of your life with? I assume they don't know about eachother but who says you need to chose right now? You're not committed to either one right now right? #2 personally sounds like a better bargain to me, but you know them better than we do, so obviously this is a decision only you can make. Good luck!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2008): the lucky one will be the one that gets dumped.Good luck
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