A
female
age
41-50,
*ornwoman
writes:I am a 30 year old attractive and smart female. I was a former Ford model in teens and early 20’s, and after graduating college, I am currently a VP in pharmaceutical sales. How do I choose? Here’s some background on the men.Guy #1--We’ve been together since we were 17 (13 years)! He has been with me through good and bad all this time and is still in love with me. He is the safe choice; I feel like if we were to stay together, we could have everything…nice house, nice cars, etc. but I feel like I might be settling. I haven’t felt the same spark and passion for the past 3 years, even though I love him, but am not in love with him. But I used to feel it when we first got together 13 years ago! He is very smart, 2 masters degrees and makes over 6 figs, so I know that we would be very financially stable. And my family loves him. He has some flaws however, and when I was young I ignored them but they have really started to bother me. They include being very frugal/cheap, not liking when I go out with friends, not having any of his own friends, and being selfish. By selfish I mean he always feels like he should receive just as much or more than what he gives. Despite that, I know overall he has a good heart and loves me. But he is also just average in looks and shorter than me, and I know the short thing bothers both of us. He asks me not to wear heels because I tower over him... and sometimes I find myself having a wandering eye, though I never acted on it. Until I met guy #2.Guy #2--I have known for the past 4 years, and what started as a platonic friendship grew into something more. We have so much fun together just laughing and talking about anything, and he completes me on an emotional level. He would do anything for me, such as waking up early to make breakfast, or driving 45 minutes to surprise me with my favorite cookies when I’m having a bad day. He has told me he loves me, I am the one and he wants to be with me forever. He has a lot of good friends and family that support and love him. However, he’s not quite so ambitious; he has a steady job and goals but never went to college. He does IT help desk for a company, and makes a bit less than I do. I’m afraid that the difference in earning potential will create problems later. He’s 5 years older than me, but very good looking, tall, and people say we make a beautiful couple. We have a spark and chemistry between us but the relationship feels a lot less “safe” than guy #1. But I’m completely in love with this guy! (not sure if I’m just in the honeymoon stage though. It’s only been about 6 months). I can see myself growing old with him and having babies (I never wanted to have them with guy #1).Guy #1 is pressuring me to make a decision so he can move on with his life. I don’t know who to choose! Please help!
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ambition, move on, spark Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (28 February 2010):
I agree with Frank's answer, which is brilliant. It's all too easy to give up on guy 1 because things have become a little stale. But Guy 1 knows you, loves you, and has been through the bad and the good with you. So far with guy 2, you can only judge him by the good, because nothing bad has happened yet. Guy 2 will have his flaws too, and in another 13 years, you'll be in the same situation.
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (28 February 2010):
 The point of making ANY relationship work is to put WORK into the relationship you already have...and that includes when temptation strikes.
You could be in the BEST relationship of your life, and you will ALWAYS be tempted by another. The point is to take all that extra time and energy that you are currently putting in guy 2, and re focus it on guy 1 to rekindle what you feel you have lost over time.
Guy 2 is going to have flaws just like Guy 1. No one person is perfect. You are so lost in the romance of the moment that you have lost sight of what you already have.
How do you know if you need to leave Guy 1? When you forget about guy 2, put all the time, energy and effort you currently direct in to thinking of Guy 2 into your relationship with Guy 1. If after that, it is still not doing it for you, THEN end it. Not for Guy 2, but because Guy 1 is not addressing your emotional needs. Your break up with Guy 1 must have nothing to do with Guy 2 (0r 3 or whoever) if you want any chance at long term happiness...which right now you might be taking for granted due to this honeymoon phase of being in "lust" with Guy 2.
The other thing to consider is that maybe you and guy 1 might consider changing the relationship structure you currently have from something monogamous to something more open...he might be interested in having his extra-curricular fun too. If he has all the qualities that you claim, surely there are women that have pursued him that you do not know about, that want him, as much as you used to.
Good luck!
-Frank Kermit, author of
Making Monogamy Work
and
Alternative Relationship Choices
http://www.franktalks.com
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A
male
reader, HarryFlashman +, writes (28 February 2010):
If you are struggling with this question, you aren't ready to choose.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (28 February 2010):
 What is the criteria for choosing a mate?
Choose someone whom you can't live without.
Choose someone who will placed you first in his life.
Choose someone who has the time for you and be there for you always.
Choose love or choose money .
Choose happiness or a dull and boring life with a workaholic.
There is no guarantee's in life. Today rich , tomorrow maybe gone.
Good luck to you .
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (28 February 2010):
 Guy 1. Sorry, my personality would match well with guy 1. I really believe you can fall back in love again. But you want to choose the easy way out. Guy 2 flatters you, make you feel good but it's guy 1 you need. So for 14 years your relationship was basically good. You have recently just focused on his negative side. Would guy 2 make you breakfast for 14 years? You are seeing the perfect side of guy 2 right now, he has flaws too he's hiding. Guy 1's flaws aren't all that bad. I am sorry if this is the only thing you could pick on I think he's actually quite perfect. I find no reason to break up at all rather than you want something new, exciting and fresh. The economy isn't good so this gives you more reason to stick with guy 1.
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