A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm really struggling with something at the moment which i am reluctant to admit to anyone. My boyfriend has a child and i am struggling to come to terms with "The child must come first". Obviously i understand that a man/woman should love their child and look after them as they brought them into the world, but when i read on another website from a parent that if his partner were in hospital and his daughter at the same time - he would go to his daughter's bedside first -it blew my mind.How can anyone accept coming second like that? I love my boyfriend very much but what hurts me and cuts me deep is that his child will ALWAYS have his love, i could lose it tomorrow, just like that.I also don't understand the concept of he loves his child in a very different way - to all parents out there - how different does it feel? The other thing i want to ask is this, if a child is the most important person in your life, then why do you bother to have a romantic partner at all? Are they just there to fulfil your sexual desires? Please help me to understand and lay a few ghosts to rest. Thanks.x Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (7 June 2008):
 Hi there, you gave back a little insight into your own life and that is the fact that your father walked out on you at a very young and vunerable age, however I do think that being honest at that time in a child's life is better than letting them getting to teenage years and then screwing them up because they walk out the door when they are hormonal and much angrier than in their early years.
I grew up in a very stable home and so was very fortunate and my parents stayed together until my dad passed away last year. They would have been married 55 years but my dad died one month before the anniversary. Not everyone is the same as them but they still argued when I was growing up.
I can understand where you are coming from in as much as now that your step mum is out of the picture your dad now wants to get to know you. Too little too late as you have said.
However, one thing I would say is that to truly know yourself you do need to know where you came from and as we only have one life maybe you could see your dad from time to time but not full on, maybe get to know him before it is too late as you can't visit him when he has passed away and you could end up kicking yourself for that.
Perhaps asking him to go with you to some sort of counselling to vent some of the built up anger towards him would be a way of working on your relationship, if he doesn't want to do it then that is something else you will have to consider, however if he wants to build bridges with you perhaps it could lay a lot of old ghosts to rest.
Don't totally dismiss your dad without letting him put his side across first and then make an informed decision whether you want to continue having him in your life.
I think you have summed up the feelings of jealousy really well in the fact that your bf is the father you always wished you had. If you love him so much then support him not condemn him, if he is as brilliant as you say he is then talk to him about your own relationship with your dad and he may understand where you are coming from and your relationship may benefit from your honesty with him.
Remember children can be fun too and they allow us to be big kids again as seeing something for the first time through children's eyes is truly wonderful.
Wish you all the very best of luck OK.
BFN
Country Woman
x
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 June 2008):
 Cannot blame you for being jealous of his child because s/he is getting more attentions than you.
Even some wives can be jealous in that way when the men
lavish more attentions on the child than to them.
If you love him , then you need to treat his child like your own.
You won't know what the parent-child bond is really like till you have your own kid.(Being a parent.)
It is very hard to explain to you .
For you have to experience it yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): Hi there thanks for the replies. It's not that I don't accept his child, more that I want to understand the difference so that I don't feel jealous feelings.
My own dad left us when i was 2 and a half for another woman and then barely saw us as my step-mum made him choose. I guess this is possibly at the route of my insecurity. My step-mum has now left my dad and my dad wants us again but it feels too late.
I love my boyfriend, but sometimes it makes me jealous cos I wish my own dad could have been more like him when i was growing up.
By the way, i would NEVER make my boyfriend choose - for a start I know I'd lose and I wouldn't put my boyfriend in that position anyway.
Thanks once again.
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A
female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (6 June 2008):
 Hello,
It's all been said really well! Just to add....your profile says you are 18-21. At this time in your life, I believe you are too young to want to take a partner with a child. As you are feeling the way you have said, it would probably be a lot more fulfilling for you to move on and find a guy without emotional ties. He is right to put his child first and you need to accept that and love him for accepting that. However, for you, it's the wrong time and you have to think of you. Move on with love and be honest with him as he sounds like a great guy. Hope all goes well H xx
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A
male
reader, Jamer70 +, writes (6 June 2008):
 Like everyones said Kids ALWAYS come first. Your an adult and can fend for yourself if need be
Kids cannot do this and need their parents to help them through life until they are adults.
So like Country Women said you either except this or find a man with no emotional attachments
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 June 2008):
 Country woman is totally correct, if you can't embrace this child you need to move on and find someone who has no children. Your resentment towards his unconditional love for his child is unfounded and will only be a constant source of pain for you. All of this will be clear as crystal if and when you have a child of your own.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (6 June 2008):
 Yes, children always come first. Country Woman said it all.
But what you need to make sure is that his child coming first is not to the exclusion of you. If you are part of his life then you should become a real part of it - a part that he takes notice of and considers when he makes any decisions including those about his child. If you are cut out because he is single-minded about the child, then that's not going to work for you or, eventually, for him and his child.
Your example of both a partner and a child going into hospital: yes, he would go and sit by the child first, but he would and should be sitting by you too.
If you and the child were stuck halfway up a cliff with the sea rising, it would be the child first and then you he would rescue - and if it were him and the child and you stuck there with the rescue services only able to take one at a time, it would be the child and then you and then himself that he would want rescued. AND, for me at least, that would apply to anyone's child stuck with me on that cliff, not just one of my own.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (6 June 2008):
 I am a single father. Had a romantic relationship, she wasn't a nice person, now I choose no romance and just parenting.
Children are a part of the parent. It's not just a desire, but a duty to protect, care for, and raise them. It's a love without condition. It doesn't have to be earned, it just is.
There are some parents who place their children on a lower list. We read their stories in the paper. They fill the files of Child Protective Services. Some are sitting behind bars.
Truthfully, placing a child first, also means, placing their needs above the desires of ones self. My kids get new shoes before I do. They eat before I do. I make sure their studdies are completed. Lunches packed, when needed. That they have time for play dates with other kids.
Parents are responsible for their mental, phyical, and health growth. They learn from our example.
Does this mean the partner is not important? Not at all. But you're right, you don't know if your the one or not. I will say, if you are not, you probably would not be if he didn't have children as well. Two people being together can develop unconditional love. It's a choice to do so, but it can be done. It's much more rare now, than years ago. So many look at sex as love. It's not, it's temporary gradification. Love is much deeper than a single desire. Sex between two people in love, is not just for a release. It's a physical connection in bonding their love together.
I believe you're afraid of loss. Find out where that fear comes from, work on it, then relationships may be more clear to you. Take care.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (6 June 2008):
Oh sweetheart it is so hard to explain a love for a child I must admit as a lot of it you cannot put into words.
From a mothers point of view I always knew I wanted children from when I was child even. I wanted to love something so much and that is basically what a child does for you.
As a mother you carry that child in your womb for almost 9 months or more in some cases and you nurture that child you stroke your tummy and you talk to it, I played music in the car as I was driving along whilst I was pregnant and you feel like you are protecting this child that grows inside of you. It is a warm and fuzzy type of feeling and as that child grows and starts to move around your love grows with it. You want the very best for your child, so you try to eat the right things and do everything in your power before the child comes into the world so you are prepared for it's arrival. Having said that nothing truly prepares you for the overwhelming feelings you have once they arrive. The birth is a distant memory and you are then responsible for this new life. You have to do everything for them and it is scary but also exciting.
This is what we were put on this planet for and it makes your life make more sense as we are here to reproduce in essence.
I will never forget what my ex said when our daughter was born and he was there during the delivery and he said he just couldn't believe his eyes and it was the most special and wonderful day of his life. A baby is something you have made together and even though I am no longer with his father we do share a special bond that is our daughter.
A man is the protector and yes you would probably say that your child will always come FIRST, another adult can fend for themselves but a child can't and if given the choice you go to the most vunerable one. The love is unconditional.
It isn't about sex or anything like that as the love for another person is very different for the love you have for your own child.
The main thing you need to understand is that whilst you try to push your bf into making a choice he will always protect his child and you would if you were a mother to. It is a normal feeling and very natural. You should try to embrace this child and join in not sulk in a corner for attention.
Part of me feels that your own insecurities are what is making the problems here, did you feel close to your own parents or was there a distance there?
You cannot truly understand the feelings of being a parent unless you are one too.
As adults prior to having a child I think we are all a little selfish as we put our own needs first and I know I did, I used to condemn my sister for not always wanting to see me when she had her twin girls and even her later daughter but your time is so devoted to your child it isn't that you love your family less it is just that your child needs your time and love. We mould our children into the type of people that we feel we want in the world and sometimes yes no matter what we do they go off the rails but we try to be role models for them that is why we give so much of ourselves to our children.
Nothing compares to seeing your child fast asleep in bed and then hearing on the news how someone has taken a child or killed or hurt a child. Your blood boils and you feel even more protective of your child. I am more paranoid than ever before when you hear so much of the cruelty children suffer, it is like a defenceless animal they can't say STOP hurting me or treating me this way and children are very similar they may be able to speak but when a massive man is abusing a child the whole size and strength thing is so overwhelming how can a child defend themselves against that. We as parents try to do that for them instead and that is just ingrained in us.
I guess it is like a form you might sign for marriage, never being married I can't compare but you sign up for LIFE and that is something you don't WANT to walk away from.
You either have to accept this love your bf has for his child or walk away and find someone who does not have children.
The more time you spend with his child though you not only get to give and receive love from this child but also your bf sees a woman who has kindness, love and compassion so it could actually make your love stronger and not pull it apart.
Wish you well.
BFN
Country Woman
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