A
male
age
36-40,
*akishehzada
writes:I have a problem guys! any help with this will be greatly appreciated! I have a girlfriend that i started dating in high school in my sophmore year, i am in my second year of college now. When we first started out i was a big jerk type of a guy, i did almost about everything wrong, i was not intersted in school and probably would have dropped out of high school! she talked to me about all the things that i did wrong and told me what i need to do to get my act together, she helped me alot, i graduated from school and she helps me out even now in college. Now that is the only good thing that she has done for me. She wants me to be on the phone with her all the time, on my days off i am on the phone with her since the time i wake up to the time i go to sleep, and even then she even wants to sleep on the phone with me so she can hear me breathe. She wont let me have any female friends. She wont let me hang out with my guy friends, everytime i want to go out with my friends i hae to ask her permission, then i would have to tell her that how long its going to take me and if i am late she would start calling. If I tell her that I am the man in the relationship and that she should give me atleat that respect, she tells me that there is no man in the relationship, its all equal. She fights with me about everything, she argues about everyting, If i say something she tells me its wrong. she cares about me and helps me in school. But recently i said something about her uncle, she got so mad that she slapped me several times in the school. Her and I have both gotten into physical fights before, all the time she has been the one to start it.Now after hearnig that anyone would tell me to breakup with her, but its really not that easy. If I say anything mean to her she would start crying for hours. She would tell me that i am the worst she has ever met. she would throw all the emotional things to make me feel as worst possible as she can.I had already also tried to breakup with her but couple days later we get back together because she just does not stop calling, and begging me to come back and then her emotional blackmailing. Also we go to the same school, that makes it even harder to get away from her. I know this post is really long but I really need some help! this is making me depressed and i cant get any help!
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male
reader, pakishehzada +, writes (5 April 2007):
pakishehzada is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst i would Thank each and everyone of you guys for taking time to read my situation and providing me with your views, as i said earlier any help i can get is appreciated.
For the guys who have recommended me to talk to her, I have done that many time already, but we have both ended up just the same each time. I think that the best thing for me to do is to break up completely. Its been a day and I am not letting her contact me in anyway. I am changing my phone number (Thanks to Suorpio).
As far as Love goes, we've been through so much that i cant even tell anymore if i "LOVE" her.
But still i feel like i am doing something wrong, i feel like an a**hole for doing this to her, is this normal guys? would she be OK? is this really the best option there is left?
and again any responses will be appreciated
-Thanks to all of you who will take time to answer in advance.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2007): Clearly this calls for drastic measures. Next time you break up with her, make sure you've blocked her email addresses, changed your phone number, and put new locks on your doors. This will make it easier to ignore her and simultaneously easier for her to get on with her life.
Make no mistake - this girl is an abuser. She's playing both the emotional, manipulative side and the physical one. When she throws a tantrum or any other bullshit, remember that it doesn't come from the heart, but is a carefully staged act to grab at your sympathy.
You need to cut all ties effectively for this one. Make sure you've done your prepwork in advance. Avoiding her at school will be trickier, but can be done if you know her daily routine. She'll also get the message to talk to you less at school once you've made the other gestures I outlined above.
Be firm and eventually she'll give up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2007): Yep, you got a problem, my young friend. I understand your gratitude for her "help", in high school, etc. But that was high school, and people change a great deal in the years afterward. Your friend has developed a possessive obsession with you, and this does not bode well for a future relationship. At least you are not apparently living together. That is a plus. It is time for some serious talking. If you are not willing to end the relationship, you must lay down some ground rules. "We are not married. We are friends. Friends do not try to run each others lives at the most elemtary level. Friends do not make each other "objects" they feel they own. I value 'our time' together, but 'my time' is also important. I respect your space and want the same respect for mine". That is very brief, but that is the basic speech. (I would personally end such a "friendship", but I am doing the best I can if you wish to remain involved with her). Good luck.
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A
male
reader, ebony-n-ivory +, writes (5 April 2007):
Well pakishehzada,
It sounds to me like she has tooo many issues for a healthy relationship. If both of you are not happy (and by both i mean her AND you), then the relationship needs one of two things: help or termination.
If you enjoy those types of things (which personally would drive me insane), then by all means continue in your strange little love life. But if you're like every other full blooded American who loves his woman, but wishes she would back off sometimes (or in your case, permenantly), then you have only one option.
DROP HER LIKE A HOT POTATO. LOSE HER LIKE BAD HABIT.
Don't be rude about it of course. But if you've dated for this long, then you should be able to tell her what's on your mind. It takes a lot for a relationship to last that long...a lot of love... or a lot of persistence...
If the love is gone and is replaced by pure annoyance, then go find some love somewhere else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2007): Hi my name is Cans if i was you i would get out of the relationship as quick as posible because i'm a female and i would know how serious we can get sometimes! And what she does is very wrong! The longer you wait the harder it's going to be for you to get out of this relationship! So do it while you can! because a relationship is not based on one person it's based on you both! And she does not get it! Sorry but i hope it helps a bit! PS.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2007): The best thing to do in this situation is cut off all contact. I know it sounds harsh, but the reason she isn't leaving you alone is because you keep going back to her. Going back to her and then telling her it's over again is much more emotionally damaging to a girl that flat out saying "it's over" and keeping your world. You need to "be the man" and tell her exactly how you feel--that you don't want to be with her and it's over for good. Then, actually do it. Don't respond to phone calls, don't talk to her, don't email. In the long run, it'll do her more good and make her move on. Would you rather be that guy who broke her heart and allowed her to move on, or that jerk who led her on?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2007): Break ups are always hard.. some harder than others and I think this one will fall into that catergory. But all the same it's something you have to do. You have to stand your ground, she will move on but things will probably be pretty ugly for a while. If you stick through that you'll both be fine. She oviously isn't completely happy herself or else she wouldn't be feeling so insecure about the relationship. It's not working so end it, be straight forward with her and let her know (nicely as possible) that there is no chance of a reconcilation. Just try and grin and bear it for a a couple of weeks, try not to see her (I know you go to the same school and that's hard) and just stay out of her way. Try not to fight with her or to get into the deep let's get back together conversations. Stand your ground and it will get easier every day! Good luck!!
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A
female
reader, gabriella lopez  +, writes (5 April 2007):
 Well it seems as if she thinks that she is controlling a puppet, what you need to do is cut the strings first talk to her and make sure she understand that you have a life and she does too, so stop trying to control your life also. And like she said you are both equal so tell her that if you can have guy friends I can have girl friends. You need to ask your self this, do you really like or possibly love her, and think you could have a chance of working things out then stay with her. If not each go your separate ways because if you stay with her is not just hurting you and the relationship, its truly hurting her also. But apparently not just hurting each others emotions but has gotten so bad that it's hurt both of you physically. In some peoples eyes thats the best thing to give a person is space. Hope everything works out.
Yours Truly,
Gabriella
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2007): Maybe you need to talk to her and give her an ultimatam. If she wants this relationship then she should give you some space. Do still love her ? If you are and you want to be with her, then you need to talk to her. She cannot control your life becasue she loves you.Love is about
trusting each other and giving each other some space. If you have this much problems now whats, going to happen later..but i know that you already know this.
About the breaking up part, there is no easy way with her, it seems. You just have to tell her that it's over and that you cannot put up with her controlling your life. Hope that I am not being too harsh here, but it seems like letting her go softly would still be tough. She seems obssesed with you and she is never going to want to let go. Be strong, guy, and just tell her it's over.
Take care and best wishes.
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