A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm needing to "officially" end my 3 year relationship. We're both in our early 30's. I love him but he isn't good for me any longer. He has emotional abandonment issues so every so often he goes "missing" for days or weeks and then comes back like nothing ever happened, which is what's going on right now for the last couple of weeks.His mom neglected him when he was younger and I remember him telling me once (after his mother passed away) how she gave him money and told him to leave so she didn't have to deal with him. He also told me once that his father beat him and very few people knew about it. I'm assuming this has something to do with his abandoning me. It's been brought to my attention that he did it to 2 other women in his past as well.From what I can tell there doesn't seem to be too many people that's really been there for him like I have. He's 35 and can hardly take care of himself because he spends what little money he makes on weed and therefore spends most of his time getting high. He's moved 10x in the last 3 years and seems to get into a fight with everyone he rents from. Everyone in town seems to know him and you'd think just adore him but he pisses so many people off because of his asshole attitude sometimes. By this point I know you're asking how I can love this man but we had a lot of great times together and when things were good they were really good. When they were bad they were absolutely horrible. Sometimes he treated me like crap and sometimes he was good to me.Over the last 3 weeks I haven't gotten to see him because he's went emotionally distant again. He texts me something every day but he's pulling the same shit as he's done before. This time, I can't handle it any longer. His priorities are all messed up and he can't get his life together. If someone would take him in and keep him up he'd be okay with that. He's definitely a free loader. He likes to sit around and do whatever he wants to without having the responsibilities that come with having a girlfriend. Over the last few weeks he's spent all of his free time just playing video games and everything he wants without even thinking about me, or us. He texts that he loves/misses me but it's obvious he doesn't want the burden of a "girlfriend".Anyway, like I said before, he's abandoned me in the past and when he comes back he acts as if we're still together and everything's cool. He basically left me 3 weeks ago but still contacts me as if we're still a couple and I'm here waiting. He doesn't seem to realize he's really left me. I've had enough and want to end it. However, the problem is that I still DO love him and think about the good times we had. The times where he genuinely opened up to me and shared details about his life he'd never told anyone before. The sex/physical aspect of the relationship was so passionate I can't even describe it. I'm hurting so bad as I type this right now 'cause I know, once upon a time, we were truly in love. I don't know how to move on with my life. He'll text me again sometime in the future and say he loves me but that's where it ends. By him doing this I'm not letting go and it's making me miserable. When he contacts me I get excited thinking things will be different but they're not. I'm hanging onto that hope. I really need some positive words right now. I'm so lost and sad and have no idea what to do to move on from him. It's killing me inside to know that I have to force myself away from someone and something I've known for so long. God, this hurts like hell. :'(
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (2 October 2013):
 OP, you will hurt a lot less once you've stepped away from this very unhappy situation. Yes you will miss him and grieve the relationship for a while, but then you'll come to realise that you can have a much happier life without him.
You're not his mother, nor are you in the position to make up for his mothers faults. Those are his issues, they needn't become yours. If he has abandonment issues, it's his responsibility to face these issues through therapy. It isn't and never was your responsibility to fix him.
It sounds like he needs to learn to parent himself. He won't do that while you - or any other Florence Nightingales - are there to do it for him. Meanwhile, you're clearly very unhappy in this role.
Summon all your strength to walk away. This means telling him how unhappy you are, and for your own well being you are breaking up. Tell him that, in order for you to move on, he must not contact you. If needs be (if he disrespects this) block him.
Don't feel bad because it's for your own good, and actually his own good - he needs to face himself. His behaviour is completely unacceptable.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 October 2013):
 I hate to say this, but your guy sounds like a fake and a liar to me. He "has abandonment issues" so he takes off for days at a time? His mom neglected and his dad beat him, so he mistreats women and uses them? Yeah, right. Sounds like he's been watching too many afterschool specials.
Honestly, it could very well be true and he was neglected, abandoned, and beaten. But why I call him a fake and a liar is because no matter what happened to him, he's responsible for his actions no matter what his past is.
He's mistreated two other girls before you, wastes his money, moves 10x in the past 3 years, gets into fights, and these are classic liar moves. The guy is a liar! He cultivates the melancholy sympathetic image to get people to feel sorry for him to get what he wants from them.
There's only one thing you can do, and that is to make him dead to you. Meaning, no more contact. Block him on every way he can get ahold of you. You stop hurting when you stop playing ball with him, meaning you finally see through him and get him out of your life once and for all.
Your boyfriend is a serious, compulsive liar. You're in your 30's, so you don't have much more time to waste on that human toxicity of a guy. Wanna see yourself grow old with a real man, or waste away in a cloud of THC and despair?
You can either sit and type and cry, or you can wipe off your tears, stand up, break it off for good, and take control of your life. Stop trying to worry about being his therapist and caretaker and wrapped up in his "my life sucks" fantasy and worry about yourself, because you're wasting your life for this liar.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (2 October 2013):
 You need to speak to a therapist. I agree with CindyCares. I think you also have issues that you need to work through. Perhaps he is mirroring your issues. When you shine a light on what is blocking you from leaving him, then you will be able to leave. You know deep down that this is not a healthy relationship and it is not going to change. You can't change him, but you can work on yourself so that you can make healthy relationship choices in the future.
Concentrate on yourself for now. Seeking advice in this forum is a good start. You have recognized that this relationship is not good for you. That is a great first step.
You can try a combination of traditional therapy (talking one on one with a professional), and hypnotherapy. I've used hypnotherapy in the past to figure out stuff and it was very successful for me. Do a bit of research on it before you try it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that this is more about you than it is about him. Good luck on your journey of self discovery.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 October 2013):
 " A rose by any other name would smell as sweet " . and a freeloading asshole of a loser , even when called " man with possible abandonment issues ", still is a freeloading asshole of a loser.
Perhaps, said without the least irony, you should explore in therapy your own abandonment issues. And the modality you get attached to people .There must be something a little off kilter there- otherwise you'd realize that what you say about the really bad times / really good times makes not much sense.
You CAN'T have a healthy relations when there are terrible, horrible times. That's not even a relationship , that's a neurosis, a compulsion.
Of course even in the best relationship there cannot be just only and always moments of sheer bliss , only fantastic times. Let's say that there will be great , fantastic , memorable times- and thee rest may be Ok, normal, nothing to write home about, so-so times. But even during the so -so phases , the " needs improvement " times, there cannnot ever be absemce of trust and respect.
You let this guy absolutely slap you around, metaphorically speaking, by his unreliablity and selfishness. But you sit there waiting and let him come back every time.
If you'd see an incoming car getting closer to you, you'd jump out of its way, because you care about your body and you don't want it to be hurt.
Why can't you care as well about your emotional wellbeing, and accept it to be hurt by a man that you consciously know is unworthy of you ?
You can't leave to him the job to respect you and honour you, because he is so incapable of doing it - so you'll have to do it yourself , by making the right choices . Why is it so hard ? because he's good in bed ?... Pardon me, maybe it's an age thing, but would not you agree that if THIS is the reason, it sort of elicits a legitimate eye roll in the average neutral observer ? Sex is very important, no denying it, but there 's only so much and no more that one can do to get herself a good lay.
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