A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have low self esteem and have battled with depression for years. I have a really bad body image and hate the world right now because of how it has become about hot bodies, sex, one night stands, etc. i feel like women have become more obsessed with being sexy and wanting guys to f*** them than trying to be real women with real careers and love. i have this distoreted image of the world and am hating everything and i need help. is there any book i can read or something to help me out.i don't want to have this negative view of life anymore. i don't want to hate everything. i can't afford therapy so self help books or workbooks would be great.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 May 2011):
 @ anon female reader, that 's your depression talking, and it must be rather severe if you have such a warped perception of the world .
How is the world's fault for making women depressed ? Society and media push lots of different ideas, concepts, and products, it depends from which are important to you , and, in fact, from which you choose to make important.
True, advertising and TV show a lot of fake tans. That does not make me depressed. I dislike tans, I am very happy and proud of my milky white, sun-damage free skin ! I don't want to be tanned, and tans do not make me depressed- I just do not think about them.
And you too, anon reader : I don't think you buy and crave ALL the thousands of things that you see on magazines and TV , right ? You woudn't become an alchoolic because they advertise liquers, or a smoker because they advertise cigarettes. You don't feel , I hope, you have got to get everything you see. You would not be depressed, because they advertise Mercedes and you drive a Toyota. Or because AD magazine shows pics of palatial mansions with 16 bedrooms, - and you don't live in one. So how silicon tits and fake tans MUST necessarily make you depressed ?
...Probably because you give an irrational, totally out of proportion value to these things. But the trick it's not changing the world, it's changing your values ! Which I hope you can do soon, with the appropriate professional help if needs be.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): I hate to say it but by becoming depressed over the fact your not the 'perfect' bodyshape, you are reinforcing the problem by showing it really matters.
OP not all women care about being sexy and having guys. Yes most women (including yourself it seems) want to look nice but it's not their reason for living either. Most people are just trying to get by. I'd stay away from certain tv shows, magazines etc because they give a very distorted view of the world. Very few women are perfect like you see on tv. I know in your age group there is a lot more peer pressure but when you're older hopefully you'll see that you're worrying over a very small matter.
Reader anon, if you've done modeling then are you sure it's not body dismorphia? I have a very small chest (less than a handful) but I've dated a few guys (all of whom seemed to find me sexually attractive), had more ask me out and many more hoping for sex and I've never done modeling. So I can't see how that alone is your problem. When I was younger I was aware of having a small chest but just found it didn't matter to me because I liked it and if anyone didn't then that was their problem. You don't need to be found attractive by everyone, if it was just this one boyfriend, move on.
Anyway I'd suggest both of you check the links and try to be self-accepting, put two fingers up the world (as you perceive it) and just go out, enjoy yourselves and live life the way YOU want to. Otherwise you are just buying in to everything you hate about the world.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): Well Miamine, I have to say, I do suffer with depression, but I'm doing okay. The op just covered briefly the things that lead to my depression. I do feel it's the worlds fault for making women feel self conscious about body image. Everywhere you look there's silicne and spray tan, and I'll always feel unattractive whilst men like these women. I've always felt rejected and unnattractive. I'm not ugly, infact I've even done modeling in the past. But I have a very small chest that guys are not attracted to. My last boyfriend wasn't attracted to me sexualy. I din't know any men that are or will ever be. And the brainwashing of the media does not help.
I, personally feel this IS the worlds fault for causinf low self esteem. It's not nice to not be desired because your boobs aren't big and round, it's not nice to feel unattractive and not able to change the way you look or feel. I would never get surgery, I would never contribute to the damage that societies allready done. It's not much to ask to be desired and lusted after but no one lusts after my body type.
I've never pushed a man away, I was once a happy person until I found that my boyfriend doesn't find me sexually attractive. It didn't help my self esteem that he could never ejaculate during sex. I'd rather be on my own than have to attempt to live up to someones expectations, and feel second best. And when suffering from depression and having the issues that I have, the last thing you need is the world throwing image after image of fake women to distract men from the real women. I don't know if I'll ever see the world any other way, I find it hard to accept.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (6 May 2011):
 http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/DEPRESSION%20-%20Causes,%20Symptoms,%20and%20Treatment.html
Sorry I can't properly hyperlink this site, but it's the best explanation I've ever seen for what happens with depression. It will explain exactly why it's important to keep negative thoughts at bay and how they make the depression worst until it becomes destructive. You will need to copy and paste.
You can also read "Shoot the Damn Dog" by Sally Brompton. She suffers from incurable (treatment resistant) depression, and shows you how much you need laughter, peace and calm to survive the condition.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 May 2011):
To the original poster and the anonymous lady below... you have depression and you need to concentrate on battling your negative feeling not the hating the world for the way it is. It's not the world that is wrong, it's your thinking. Tisha has given you some helpful links, and I suggest you use them. Withdrawing from the world, hating the world, or planing to bring up a child with no father will not make you happier. I suggest you contact your doctor for treatment. When you have depression your mind will find something to hate. If it's not the way you look, it's the amount of sex in the world, or other people being in love and happy or even the fact that the sun shines bright or people like to sing.Beware the negative voice of depression, that is the illness talking. It's difficult to have any type of relationship with depression, even if every woman was ugly, fat and flat chested, you'd still be unhappy and wanting to push any man away.You need to reach out for sunshine. Instead of hating the world and yourselves, you must learn to love, to laugh and to heal. The doctors will help you with this. Work on making yourself proud of you, hating others is just making you sicker.You need to learn to be nice and kind with yourself and with others.http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htmhttp://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/DEPRESSION%20-%20Causes,%20Symptoms,%20and%20Treatment.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): I know the feeling, and it's no wonder so many women feel this way, the pressure we are under and the expectations.. I'm afraid it's probably always going to be a man's world in that sense.. I don't think your image of the world is distorted, I think the world IS distorted sadly. I'm not sure a book can help you feel better about things, I think you have to spend time alone and really think, really try and become confident and forget about what others think, although the world is unfair at times, try to find your inner peace..
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 May 2011):
OP, I don't know how to say this without sounding preachy or sanctimonious, but I think that the world has become.. the way we choose to see it. After all, it's like our own living room, it depends from what we let come into it. If we fill it with dirty socks, pizza crumbs and empty beer cans it will be a filthy, smelly place- if we fill it with fresh flowers, beautiful paintings and immaculate furniture it will be harmonious and comfortable.
Again, I 'd loathe to sound holier than thou, but I have learned along the years to filter through what comes to my awareness. I don't read Cosmopolitan or gossip magazines, except maybe once in a blue moon for a laugh. I stay away from violence and vulgarity as much as I can : I don't watch talk shows or reality shows , or horror movies . I am far from ascetic, in fact , I love
elegant, beautiful things- but I don't " go shopping " as a pastime, I don't need to get the newest technological gadget, I don't follow trends and fashions- I set my own fashion.
The people I surround myself with are not obsessed with consuming or winning or impressing or competing. They are very diverse , some of them were born rich ( good for them ! ) some are totally broke, but they are anyway more into ideas and art and music and philosophy, than into showing off their six pack or a trophy wife, or flaunting fake tits or a sugar daddy.
I am not tryng to pass myself off as a noble, spiritual being, as a matter of fact looking good always had a relevance in my life, not only out of personal vanity but also because I used to be a performer. But the natural passing of time, and some little health problems have turned me from a hot chick into a not-bad-for-her-age lady, and I am very glad that this happened, it changed my life for the better. I stopped associating with "cool " people, I stay with people I have something in common with.
And I like being appreciated for,say , my wit or intelligence more than for just my butt .
OP, you can choose, at least to some extent , what's part
of your world. If you don't want superficiality or promiscuity or shallowness in it- just slam your door on these things and don't let them put a foot in. The world is a beauty contest- only if you join the contest, it's a rat race only if you accept to run.
You don't need to "fit in ", at least not in the sense you mean. Why playing by the rules when you CAN do your own rules.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 May 2011):
 Sorry to hear you are suffering from "stinking thinking." I have a couple of things you might find helpful.
Books: "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck, M.D. Basically acknowledges that life is suffering but it's worth working on yourself.
"You Can Heal Your Life" and other works by Louise L. Hay.
Website for working on anxiety and depression issues and how they distort one's perception of life: http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome This is free, you have to register and work through the exercises.
I just found this one recently and think it has some good stuff in there: www.actionforhappiness.org
I personally find yoga to be extremely healing, self-nurturing and has led me to a greater acceptance of my body and myself. Spend the money on a few classes with a good teacher. Find a studio that specializes in the meditative aspects of yoga, don't go to the ones that are basically glorified exercise classes. I would advise you look for a class of women of all ages, a gentle yoga class, in fact, where you will find women of all shapes and sizes who are content and connected with their bodies. It's an eye-opener, I can tell you. One of the women in my class had breast cancer back in the dark ages, never had a reconstruction on the one side, then had a brain tumor, lost all her hair, and yet here she is, soldiering on, with a husband and children and grandchildren. She is an example to us all. Did I mention she has a bladder the size of a pea and rushes to the loo every 10 minutes? Bless her, she doesn't let any of that stop her from engaging fully in life!
I would urge you to unplug your TV and stop watching shows unless they are uplifting and will not cause you distress. You can research which shows those might be as an exercise in learning to live in the real world.
You are young and presumably have some spare time? Find a really good cause to volunteer for. Read books for the blind. Go cuddle babies in the NICU. Get involved with breast cancer charities, autism, diabetes, heart disease, there is so much out there you can help with.
Start an exercise program if you don't have one, I don't care what you do, just walk for 30 minutes 3 times a week for a start. Move your body and move the blood through your veins. It's good for your heart and your brain.
If you are eating crappy food, stop. No sodas. Watch the red meat and saturated fat. Have you been to your doctor lately? Go see him or her. I had depression and didn't know what the hell to do until one day I finally made an appointment. This doctor ran a full physical on me and at the end of the appointment, I was standing on the sidewalk with a prescription for an antidepressant clutched in my sweaty little hand. I wavered and finally thought, 'what the hell do I have to lose.' I am thrilled I followed through with his prescription and I have been off that medication now for nearly 2 years. I took it for less than a year and it completely altered my life. It reset my brain chemistry in some way and I now manage to stay on track through exercise, good nutrition, yoga and doing the things I know are good for me. Don't fight the help when it's offered.
Play happy, uplifting, inspiring music. Preferably without lyrics so you can create your own.
Study someone's life. I don't know, the Dalai Lama? Harriet Tubbman? Cleopatra? Henry VIII? There are some great biographies out there. Churchill! Buddha. I am a particular fan of Elizabeth I.
You are over thinking things right now. Give your mind a break from analyzing yourself and everything and focus on something completely different.
I found a great prescription on another website. I'll let you find it:
Removing negative thought: Tips to overcome and step outside of your comfort Zone.
Create a realistic and viable plan.
Do something positive everyday, no matter how small, that will help you get to your end result.
Craft your one-minute elevator “sales pitch” because this will require you to really focus.
... Accept that sometimes you are going to fail but not trying is more of a failure.
If things begin to go awry maintain a sense of humor.
Instead of saying “I can’t” start with “I can.” For example, change “I can’t possibly run a marathon” to “I can run six miles” now how do I get to the marathon.
Believe that what you are doing (or want to do) is important and make it a priority.
Exercise (always helps to get the endorphins and creative energy flowing).
Help someone; this is one tip that I am going to begin to pursue more frequently because there is no better way to create positive energy than to help someone who is really in need.
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Go find 6 more websites; you can do it.
Oh and one more thought, read "B as in Beauty" by Alberto Ferraras, it has some interesting stuff for a fictional piece. It might change up your mood. Quick and easy read.
Check back here tomorrow and let us know what you have done. Off you go!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): Wow, you are so young to feel this way. Don't worry about what anyone else does just be yourself and do what you think is right. Try going online to find a book to help you that would interest you. Do things that you like to do to keep yourself positive. I have felt this way about the world too, it can be so superficial. It does no good though because it won't change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): You need to enrich your life with good hobbies and focus on you for a change OP. Stop watching TV, stop reading women's magazines and things like that and start filtering out all that "money is god, beauty is king" bullshit that the world tries to throw at you. I haven't watched TV for a non sport event in about 5 years. I only ever see advertisements at half time and usually I'm making coffee or something.
I watch all the TV shows I like online, I listen to good music, I associate with people who are deep meaningful people who don't worry about that kind of stuff and most of all I spend the majority of my time improving myself and my life. Working out, reading, studying, playing music, spending time with my girlfriend, friends and my family. I'm too busy to give a shit about all that other stuff because if I did then I'd hate it.
This isn't a new situation OP, women have always been like this. It just so happens women are the ones who have to attract a mate, we guys are the one who have to do the chasing. So beauty has always been a massive issue for women, always. From the caveman days, to Victorian times when they wore wigs, rib breaking corsets that made them pass out, lead based powders for their faces, to modern times where they think they have to have huge fake breasts, orange skin and be sluts because it is the fashionable way to assert their "power as women" when all it does is keep them as mens perfect slaves.
What girls your age don't realize is that we guys absolutely love the whole promiscuity thing which is the norm now for women when we're younger, because it means we have a lot of fresh pussy. (excuse the terminology) What they don't get is that's all we want those girls for because when we get older and want to settle we don't go for promiscuous girls and a hell of a lot of guys have a huge problem dating women who were even like that in their past, even if they're not now.
Just browse through this site and you'll see the amount of guys that just can't get over their partners past. It's part of our biological imperative OP most guys can't help it, so instead of hating that life is that way, just feel sorry for those girls because their past will dictate their future, just be glad you're not one of them. Because it may all be fun and games now but when a lot of those want to settle and be serious they'll discover that their dating pool still consists of guys that only want a good time.
When a woman's focus is being sexy and having sex then that's all we guys see her as good for and when she wants more then it will be incredibly hard for her to shake off that tag.
I'm all for women's liberation and I'm all for full equality but the world hasn't caught up to that yet, while there is so much focus on women being given freedom and power no attention has been given to the effects this has on the gender balance. We guys haven't really changed at all, so all this new freedom and sexual assertiveness women think they have is only relative to how men view them. Our attitudes haven't really changed at all OP. "Sluts" are "sluts" and we only see them that way, it's not fair but it's the way of the world still. Women aren't biologically designed for promiscuity, we've made that the case through the invention of the contraceptive pill. Women's new found sexual assertiveness which allows them to act like men is actually all based around a man made chemical.
Women are biologically designed to have one child every year and sleeping around is counter intuitive because a woman is designed to mate with a man with the best possible genes.
What my big long winded lecture is basically for OP, is to show you, it doesn't matter how others live their lives, let them, you're not missing anything and in fact your way is the natural way to live and the one which will guarantee you the most success in life. In other words you have nothing to feel negative about because you're living a good life and just because you don't want to fit into the crazy hedonistic lifestyle. That seems to be the norm and has caused a massive increase in STI's, teen pregnancy, rape, abortions and a massive increase in divorce, unsuccessful long term relationships and a general decline in population growth in the world as people struggle to fit into new gender roles, doesn't mean you have to worry.
As for your boyd image, just improve it OP if you don'tlike it. Live a healthy lifestyle with a good diet and plenty of exercise. Change the things you can and learn accept if not love the things you can't.
Life is great and even though I made a big long statement about the state of the world, that's only a massive generalization and it doesn't apply to everyone. That's just how the media like to portray it, so turn off the TV and pick up a book instead. Grow, learn and constantly strive to improve yourself. You don't need a book, just write down all the things you'd like to improve in your life, all the things you'd like to do, then just research online how to do those things then begin. Easy as that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): Hi. I am so glad I just found your question. I have recently been diagnosed with depression. I completely understand how you feel. I thought it was just me that has these views on the world. I also have no self esteem what so ever.I can no longer see the point in relationships, because no one sees them as commitments or serious any more and that you partner will just leave you for when something better, more attractive and younger comes along. I can't see why men get into relationships when their eyes still wonder and they have to watch porn. And women are hell-bent on looking perfect we seem to have forgotten what actually matters.I sometimes feel like I was born in the wrong era. People's moral have changed so much. We are all so judgmental and cruel. I'm going to university soon and hoping to get a good career as a freelance illustrator and have a child on my own as I feel no one is that trustworthy.Any way I'm sorry I didn't really answer your question, but I've been so down recently its just nice to find someone that kind of feels the same
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): HiDoes it really matter what the world appears to want? What do you want? live by what you want, the world does not own or design you ....only if you let it. Look within and see your uniqueness your beauty and WHO YOU ARE....low self esteem can be built up when you believe a different image of yourself and the world...therapy these day's is talked about as some quick fix solution, when you actually have all that you need within if only you start to find it. Sometime's we have to drop every belief system we ever thought life was about and find that we have to rebuild a reality that is a TRUE REALITY...you have spirit so why not find it......who gives a monkey's about what WE THINK others want...that will build you a false identity and will take you further away from your true self....learn about what YOU WANT forget what the world wants.I hope you find what you are looking for...stay true to you and rebuild your self belief ....and that may mean dropping outdated notions of who we are led to believe we are....distorted reality means you are split in some way.Good luck...i send you a rainbow smile...be happy... spunky monkey
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