A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm living with housemates and girlfriend. I love my girlfriend very much, I think she is amazing and so beautiful and incredible. I'm so lucky to have her.Last summer when we were apart, I went on porn loads during the week and I felt massively guilty about it. I've since told her and she understands, again, but i feel so horrible, that I'm an awful boyfriend and I dont deserve her.To make it worse, for reasons I can't explain, I went on a chat room website, and tried to pretend to be a couple and asked other couples to go on webcam so I could watch. Nobody came on cam thankfully, but they did chat to me and send sexy messages which I responded to. I dont know why I did it. and If i want to marry this girl (which we both want) then I need to come clean.What should I do?I fear its all too late. I feel guilty everyday, I know its my own fault though. The guilt is pushing us further apart!
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (18 April 2011):
 I hate to be the one to disagree here, but as long as it was just once, I would say keep it to yourself unless she asks. What good will telling her do? If it really and truly honestly was just once, I would let it go and move on. For instance if I knew my boyfriend had slipped up once, whether it was cheating or looking at porn, as long as it really was just once, I don't think I'd want to know unless it has happened within the last 48 hours. But that's just me, it's up to you and I'm definitely in the minority.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses,
I don't think any time is a good time, but I want to find a better time than others. That doesn't really make sense does it?
I mean I don't want to tell her at the moment, because we both go home for easter for a week, and we won't have time to talk, also she has exams coming up and I don't want to get distracted from them. However i worry im throwing excuses up.....
We've been together 2 and half years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): first off u need to come clean.. she needsto know how you feel because thelonger you wait the longer you have continued to lie to her. now she probably wont be happy about it (i know i wasnt) but its a personal thing and you would be stepping way outside your comfort zone talking about it and if its meant to be then your relationship will work out and if not at least your concience in clean. you cant keep living in a relationship of lies because once the trust is gone you have nothing! I wish you luck, just be completly honest and prepare to answer any perosnal questions she throws at you because she deserves to ask anything she feels necessary to figure out in her mind how you could do this. open up be honest and goodluck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): Hey pal! Im glad you have a conscience here about this. Thats a BIG step towards good communication with your GF. Yes, you need to tell her everything about this matter and absolutely apologize profusely. In addition, you need to give her a game plan on how youre going to repair things i e how you will show her action in how youve changed. Setup security on your computer for adult websites and have her keep the password...maybe get rid of the computer altogether or the webcam. Try to eliminate triggers of the behavior and I can guarantee youll see good improvement and she, too, as well and in the process you will earn more trust. Best on this man. Good job admitting your faults here, now correct them!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (4 April 2011):
 I don't think she'll see it as cheating, but she won't be happy, you can pretty much guarantee that. Still, it's better if you come clean about this rather than let the guilt make things worse.
Here's a thought for you though, and me playing devil's advocate here. Will telling her make things better? Is it selfish of you to do it?
Here's why I ask. Knowing this could really hurt her, and since you didn't really cheat, and since you're feeling really guilty about it, perhaps it's best if you suffer this alone. Removing your guilt by telling her about it can be viewed as a selfish act because you're feeling better while making her feel worse. Perhaps holding onto that guilt is the way you can insure you do not repeat such a mistake again.
Again, this is to argue the flip side, since this discussion is between us at the moment. I personally feel that open and honest communication should always prevail, but I have to admit, I've heard that other argument too, and it does have a lot of merit.
One point I forgot to make earlier. Make sure she knows that the reason you did this has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with you. Many women will feel very insecure in this type of situation, and they will doubt your honesty about how beautiful they are, how much you love them, etc. It becomes an issue of trust more than anything.
By the way, how long have you been together?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): You used porn? er, wow? and?...
most men use porn. it's kind of sweet that you feel bad about it but I wouldnt bother telling her as it's really no big deal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't really have an answer at the moment, I know I've got to come up with one!
When I told her about porn, she was more disappointed, and said she understood when that I wanted to when she wasnt there. but she doesn't like me going on porn(quite understandably) when she's in the house. Because I could be spending my attentions on her!
I'm worried she will see it as cheating.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (4 April 2011):
My train of thought is along the lines of the number of porn related problems we see here. Usually women's biggest problem has to do with the lies that surround it.
There really is no easy way to have this conversation. I think that she'll probably be thinking you are going to be confessing something worse than what you are. Some things are just easier to do quickly and in a straight forward manner, like pulling off a bandaid.
"Honey, I feel really guilty because I had some dirty chat with a couple in a chat room a few days ago. I did it because ______________, and I've felt horrible about it since. I love you, and I hope you'll forgive me. I don't like how I feel right now, and I'm hoping we can talk about it. I'm very sorry I did this."
What did she say when you talked about the porn in the past? Was she hurt? Did she express any displeasure about it then? Was she ok with it because you told her? Did you make any promises? Did you break those promises?
These are all questions you need to think about before you talk to her. That way you will know what you're getting into. The biggest thing you need to know is WHY you did this to begin with. "I don't know" isn't going to be an acceptable answer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the response!But I don't know how to tell her. There is no nice way to say it. I think she is open minded to an extent, but I'm not sure where your train of thought lies. I've never spoken about that with her though.....
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (4 April 2011):
Open and honest communication. You need to talk about this and stop projecting your fears about what she will do onto her. Give her the chance to react the way she will.
What compelled you to go on the chat site. You talked about being a couple, so it's not like you were pretending to be single. Maybe your GF is more open minded than you think, or has this actually been a problem in the past?
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