A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 22. To cut a long story short(er), last year I broke up with my ex after having discovered he'd cheated on me numerous times during our 3 year relationship. To make it worse, I had no clue nor did he do anything that raised my suspicions, although looking back on things now I should have realised some things just didn't add up.After the break up, about a month later - completely by accident - I met the most perfect guy. He wasn't a rebound or anything as I'd already emotionally checked out of my previous relationship due to drama/ his problems etc. I have been with this man ever since; he's not perfect and neither am I, but he is such an incredible person who is so attentive, loyal and caring, and absolutely adores me. He's honest and upfront about everything and has never given me any reason to doubt the trust I have for him.For some reason, because our relationship is so great (coming up to our year anniversary) it's like my brain is trying to convince me something will go wrong because of my previous experience. It's almost like I go looking for trouble (not snooping or anything, I just assume the worst in some situations when it's totally irrational). As I said, he's never given me any reason to doubt him, he involves me in all aspects of his life, and always refers to 'us' and 'we' and the future. I love him beyond words. I assume this is because of my ex, and it really irritates me!For a few nights now I've been having dreams about my ex and I don't know why, nor do I want it to happen. In the one last night we were sitting in bed talking, he tried to kiss me but I said no and that I love my boyfriend. I don't know whether it's because things are unresolved i.e. I haven't seen him since it all happened and calmly discussed it, but I don't think I need to do that; he's not someone I would want in my life as a friend. On several occasions (my birthday and Christmas) he sent me texts saying he loves and misses me etc which is completely inappropriate since he knows I'm with someone, so I showed my boyfriend the texts and we replied firmly telling him that I don't want him texting me.It might be because I found out he started going out with this girl who, in high school, used to be somewhat like me, e.g. wanted to do the same career, and in many ways looked up to me. She's somewhat smart, but is much less ambitious now (which would suit him - he was always intimidated by my ambition/ intelligence and hated that men always checked me out[not to sound conceited]). I assume he cheated because he felt insecure. I've had him blocked on facebook for ages but can guess what he says on her statuses/ pictures of them and it annoys me that he doesn't seem to have matured or learnt from the experience. I don't know why it irritates me, I have no feelings for him whatsoever and am actually grateful for the experience since it led me to meet such an amazing man that I'm so thankful for.So I occasionally talk/ make noises in my sleep (lol) and I'm concerned that I might say his name or something whilst sleeping with my partner, which would be a bit awkward! How can I let go of whatever I'm feeling at the moment and get him out of my dreams for good?!
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ambition, anniversary, broke up, cheated on me, christmas, facebook, insecure, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): Because of the way your last relationship ended you might have questions, resentments, what-ifs, etc and they are coming out in your dreams. I don't think it's anything to worry about, part of the grieving and healing process. It may take a long while to stop having these dreams, because it wasn't all that long ago and it's possible you may not be completely over your ex.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 February 2014):
 Don't overthink it... dreams are not what we really feel.
they may be stuff jumbled up in your subconscious but they are not the bearers of truth.
and you can't direct your dreams... if you talk in your sleep and your current partner asks about it, tell the truth... it's just a dream and it doesn't mean you aren't in the here and now and present with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): We can't control our dreams. You met someone only a month after your breakup; so your subconscious mind is still completing the detachment process. Something that it normally does during a gap in-between relationships.
You immediately began a relationship, so there was no real gap. There is a psychological process of letting go and moving on from a previous romantic partner.
Your dreams are just manifestations of this psychological process underway. You still fight with him, or try pushing him away. This is symbolic that your have cut all ties.
Your mind is analyzing and purging old data. Addressing unresolved issues; and creating closure for unfinished business you couldn't deal with (or didn't have time to deal with)in reality. Out with the old, in with the new.
You're also feeling guilty. Like you're cheating on your ex, and he is admonishing you for it.
Your subconscious mind knows that he has been replaced; and telling you that what you're doing is fine. The one that has to go, is your ex. Let it all play out. It will stop.
It is a battle between the present and the past. When you fight back, the present is winning.
Tell your new boyfriend you're still slaying dragons in your dreams, and it's from your old relationship. It has nothing to do with him. He'll understand.
It takes months to get over an old relationship. You can't bypass a natural process that takes place in your brain.
You simply found a physical replacement for your ex in record time. Before your mind had the time to adjust to it. So it needed to catchup. You were fortunate to find someone who fulfilled your needs. That doesn't always happen.
Don't worry about what you say in your sleep. You're proof to the advice that I give OP's about how the mind works when we breakup. It still takes time. No matter how we try to speed it up, or get around it.
A rock band called the Romantics released a song in 1983 about talking in your sleep. It isn't what they claim it is. Dreams aren't reliable evidence that something bad is going on. It isn't exposing "the company that you keep."
It will all come to a happy-ending in your head. You found love again.
Sweet dreams!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 February 2014):
 Dreams are not as straight forward as most people think. For example almost all dreams involving your ex fall into the same category. They are your subconscious mind seeing patterns in your current relationship that reminds it of your ex relationship. So when you say " it's like my brain is trying to convince me something will go wrong because of my previous experience" you are probably right.
My advice to stop the dreams is two fold. First try guided dreaming. Second take the dream seriously. Review your current relationship, Is there anything that looks familiar? Is there any way you can step up and strengthen / deepen your current relationship? Other wise it sounds like you are making all the right moves in handling the ex.
FA
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