A
female
age
30-35,
*itteh
writes:Hi, my name is Charlotte, and I am 17. Basically the story is, I have strong feelings for one of my greatest friends Jason* (I have known him since we both started school), and a couple of years ago, I became friends with Lucy*, Lucy and I got along well, and through me she met Jason. They of got together , and have had a fairly rocky 1 year relationship (it being rocky is because, Lucy is an incredibly needy person, and Jason is a guy who really likes his space).A couple of months ago, I went walking with Jason, and we really opened up our problems, and we both let slip that we have feelings for one another, and over the next couple of weeks, we began getting more intimate, with kissing, oral sex etc...After these weeks, I asked Jason, if he loved Lucy, and he replied that he did, and when seeing my obvious distress added “in a way”. So of course I backed off, feeling heart broken.What followed then was, my real loathing for Lucy, and now I avoid situations with her and Jason at all costs, because I get too upset if they start kissing/ touching near me.The thing is I still really love Jason, and all I want is to be with him, and I can tell he is not totally happy with Lucy, he tells me so and its obvious to everyone.Our friends, and his mother, both think he would be happier with me, and no one really likes Lucy very much (because she is a quite loud and a little bit socially inappropriate). I can understand in a way why he is still with her, I think it may be because his mother and father resontly got divorced and it was a horrible time for him, and he wants the security of a relationship, perhaps to prove people can stay together?But really, I don’t understand why Jason would do all this, we have been friends for so long, and I don’t believe he would throw our friendship away on a fling. And he gets very upset when he sees that I am unhappy. But I cant really let my feelings out (partly out of respect for Jason, I don’t want him to be upset by me, but also because Lucy doesn’t know about all this, and again it would just make his relationship with her harder to bear, since she is unlikely to leave him, just give him a harder time) But its just getting harder and harder for me to deal with this. This feeling of utter devastation is taking over my life, and I cant concentrate on anything. What should I do?P.s. Sorry about the long question, I just need you to know the full situation.
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female
reader, flower girl +, writes (8 July 2007):
 I'm just going to tell you the way i see it and you might not agree but here goes.
He has been in this relationship now for a year, they have no childen and they are not engaged to be married.
He is not tied to her in anyway, so if he really was not happy he could leave her, even after what has happened to his parents.
He knows how you feel about him so if he wanted to just be in a relationship then he could do that with you.
He has been intimate with you and all the time you let this happen he has the best of both worlds.
If he was really that concerned about your feelings he would not go down this path with you.
What i personally think you need to do is tell him that you are no longer prepared to be his bit on the side, and if he really wants to be with you then he needs to leave his girlfriend.
Tell him that because of the way that it makes you feel knowing that when you are together he is just going to go back to her, that you think it is a good idea if you did not see each other anymore.
If he really cares for you that should make him realise.
It's only how i see it remember.
Take care.xx.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2007): he sounds insecure and indecisive about his feelings for you and this Lucy. you are right that his divorce has made him search for the security of a relationship.
but if you want him invested in a relationship with you, you should do this: approach him alone and simply say, "i know you used me, and it hurt my feelings. i thought we could have a relationship. don't ever speak to me again." then walk away. no tears, no drama, no emotion except a bit of genuine hurt in your voice and eyes.
then, don't ever speak to him again. be strong-- this could last from the moment you say the words above to one week to even six months (but this 6mos is more common with men in their 30s). You're halfway to him being yours if he approaches you and apologizes. This means it's been wracking his brain the whole time. If he never gets to this point then at least you kept some dignity with the words above. If he apologizes and wants to be friends only, just simply say "No" and don't smile! (I have a hard time not smiling myself) He's smart enough to understand why. Let him figure things out from there. The more work he does to get you, the more invested he'll be in the relationship.
Simply put, guys react the way you want when you give it to them simply with as few words as possible.
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