A
female
age
36-40,
*eckie
writes:Hi,I'm worried and anxious all the time over a range of problems i seem to have at the moment and they are... i have just graduated from university and i went to a pretty prestigeous university for my degree but come out of uni with a great result but now i feel lost, confused, feel its all been a waste of time as no doors seem to be opening and i feel pretty trapped. The next thing is, is that my mum has been depressed for the past 3 years due to a series of operations that had complications,and now that i have finished uni i am living at home; whereas at uni i could live in denial and pretend everything was fine at home when it wasn't.I now have to play mum, clean, cook and look after my mum, dad and house. I feel as if i don't have a mum anymore, its like shes not even here and i struggle because i get frustrated by it all. Then i found out a few months ago that my dad had an affair when i was young for 2 years with 2 different women and i'm heartbroken, i thought my dad was untouchable, a man who could do no wrong, i was and am a daddys girl and it kills me to think that he hurt my mum so badly. Feel like my life has been a lie in a way, everyone else knew but me and my sister, i know they did it to protect me but still. I don't want to ask him about it either, as i don't want to bring up any unnecessary pain or conflict, and certainly don't want to upset my mum when she's not well!Finally, i have a boyfriend and i fell head over heels in love with him, and still do. He is still at university, which is a worry in itself as there is lots of temptation for him. I know he wouldn't do anything but it is still a worry. So he is an hour away, which isnt much but i dont drive yet, so i have to get the train which in itself is tiring and very frustrating as british transport can be awful!I seem to be making all the effort in this r.ship, i text him all the time, call him etc, and he merely replies to them. I am so so scared that he doesn't love me anymore, but i dont want to ask him about it as he's going through a rough patch too at the moment and told me not to hassle him at the moment (as i had been preoccupied with telling him my worries). Im so low at the moment, for a once very confident, feisty and bubbly girl, she doesn't seem to be here at the moment and im scared he has fallen out of love with me because i've become more needy. Oh and i don't have a job at the moment either so it makes it 10 times worse as all i have to think about is him!! I have gone on i know, just want some thoughts on how im feeling. Need someone just to talk to. Hope someone can help!
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female
reader, Beckie +, writes (14 December 2007):
Beckie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for all your suggestions and comments, i really appreciate it!
I can't seem to cope living here at home with my mum, its like shes taking me down with her. Im having to play mum and to be honest i don't want to, it sounds selfish but i just find it so hard to deal with. Its horrible watching your mum deteriorate, and not have any control over it, i just feel useless. One reason why i dont want to go and get a job is yes i am low and think i wont get one, but also because if i do il be leaving my mum at home on her own, but then i think well when am i going to get my life on track?? Never??
Im feeling desperate, i feel really hurt and sick at the moment about my boyfriend even though he hasnt actually done anything really bad. But i just feel like he's not there for me and cant handle the situation im in. I love him to bits and dont want to lose him, but im so scared im going to have to sit him down and ask him, like i heartbreakingly had to do with my ex, do you still love me or have the same feelings for me? Im scared because i don't know what the answer will be. I just want him to hold me tight and tell me he loves and that he'll be there for me despite him having to go through a hard time himself at the moment.
We had an argument last night because, i havent seen him for 2 weeks which to most people, you'll probably say thats nothing. But i was used to seeing him everyday at uni, and now i see him every weekend which i look forward to. But anyway, he told me to come next monday instead of today which i was so gutted about as im desperate to see him and also get out of the house. Its because hes having a boys weekend to celebrate the end of term and also because his housemate split up with his gf a few weeks ago. But i know this is selfish, but I need him. It seems as though im nowhere near the top of his priority list, which he disputes and says im at the top. But i duno, i just dont feel safe, secure and reassured, partly due to the situational circumstances im going through at the moment, but also because he knows im there so doesn't make as much of an effort anymore!
I spoke to some friends and they said that im being abit of a 'doormat' and hes completely in control of the r.ship, which he is i will admit. So they said to just be cool, go away- which im doing-going to a friends, and just be nice but not lovey dovey with texts etc, and then when i see him on monday to then have it out and let him know how i feel. But im scared, scared of what he'll say, scared he'll say, like he did yesterday when i was arguing, 'are you seriously doing this right now, when iv got so much to cope with, i cant deal with this right now'. Then tell me that im being selfish and just preoccupied with myself, and tell me to bugger off. I love him and don't want to lose him. I hope i dont because i need him. I hope he'll be the man i know he is and pull through for me!
A
female
reader, Beckie +, writes (14 December 2007):
Beckie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for all your suggestions and comments, i really appreciate it!
I can't seem to cope living here at home with my mum, its like shes taking me down with her. Im having to play mum and to be honest i don't want to, it sounds selfish but i just find it so hard to deal with. Its horrible watching your mum deteriorate, and not have any control over it, i just feel useless. One reason why i dont want to go and get a job is yes i am low and think i wont get one, but also because if i do il be leaving my mum at home on her own, but then i think well when am i going to get my life on track?? Never??
Im feeling desperate, i feel really hurt and sick at the moment about my boyfriend even though he hasnt actually done anything really bad. But i just feel like he's not there for me and cant handle the situation im in. I love him to bits and dont want to lose him, but im so scared im going to have to sit him down and ask him, like i heartbreakingly had to do with my ex, do you still love me or have the same feelings for me? Im scared because i don't know what the answer will be. I just want him to hold me tight and tell me he loves and that he'll be there for me despite him having to go through a hard time himself at the moment.
We had an argument last night because, i havent seen him for 2 weeks which to most people, you'll probably say thats nothing. But i was used to seeing him everyday at uni, and now i see him every weekend which i look forward to. But anyway, he told me to come next monday instead of today which i was so gutted about as im desperate to see him and also get out of the house. Its because hes having a boys weekend to celebrate the end of term and also because his housemate split up with his gf a few weeks ago. But i know this is selfish, but I need him. It seems as though im nowhere near the top of his priority list, which he disputes and says im at the top. But i duno, i just dont feel safe, secure and reassured, partly due to the situational circumstances im going through at the moment, but also because he knows im there so doesn't make as much of an effort anymore!
I spoke to some friends and they said that im being abit of a 'doormat' and hes completely in control of the r.ship, which he is i will admit. So they said to just be cool, go away- which im doing-going to a friends, and just be nice but not lovey dovey with texts etc, and then when i see him on monday to then have it out and let him know how i feel. But im scared, scared of what he'll say, scared he'll say, like he did yesterday when i was arguing, 'are you seriously doing this right now, when iv got so much to cope with, i cant deal with this right now'. Then tell me that im being selfish and just preoccupied with myself, and tell me to bugger off. I love him and don't want to lose him. I hope i dont because i need him. I hope he'll be the man i know he is and pull through for me!
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A
female
reader, michel  +, writes (13 December 2007):
Beckie it seems ur reflecting my situation. AND when ppl ask me how Im now, Im answering COMFORTABLY NUMB. In such situations maybe is not the perfect solution but it is a solution. You should help ur mom,no matter of everything.Be numb about the past and ur father. And as far as ur bf is concerned,Any loving man should be aware of ur situation and be helpfull in return. So dont worry about Him loving U ,ur just in the state of depression which raises this issues.
An hour travelling is not a big deal for him(if for you) to come see u and talk to you. And needy in ur situation is not in negative context, Ur neeady really and thats not bad ur facing difficult problems, and The one's that love you should give support.
Just immportant ? u should ask urself is are u prepared to see him,(and that not to affect ur relationship) Or rather get out of this situation first?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): Did you know that your problem is VERY common for kids your age especially right after college. ALOT of kids after college get very depressed because that phase of your life ends so abruptly and all of a sudden you have no idea what to do with your life. There is even a movie about it its called 'Reality Bites' with Wynona Ryder. Have you seen it??
I mean back when we were in high school we had the rest of our lives ahead of us or so we thought. We were going to college and naively thought that things could only get better and that perhaps everything would just fall into our laps. I know alot of people who DO have great jobs after college and even they are disappointed at the way that their expectations of what growing up would be like was not what they thought it would be. You so abruptly, without any transition, have to go from being a kid to being an adult. Its hard! And it can be very depressing. You may have to move away from your friends. Alot of kids have to move back home which in itself is depressing enough. Your whole environment changes as you have to go from being in a fun collegiate student atmosphere to transitioning to the banality of a 9 to 5 job. It sucks!
So anyways, you are not alone. ALOT of people feel the way you do. But you can't give up and let this consume you. What I suggest you do is keep trying to get a job. Keep putting resumes out on Monster.com and whatever you are using to get a job. And everybody has ups and downs. So just remember that even though you may feel down right now things are going to look up again.
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A
female
reader, lolo89 +, writes (13 December 2007):
 hi,
it seems you have too much to cope with, go easy on yourself.
you don't say what uni degree you have? but you do say no doors are opening, well in the past ive found doors dont open themselves you have to it. makesure you research all your options and take the nessesary steps ect.
it seems like you should talk to your family about getting more help for your mum, your at the point in you life where you have to focus on you. hopefully your family will understand this.
as for your dad, its natural to think your parents are perfect, your dad betrayed your mum years ago he's only human try and forgive him. it looks like he's done the right thing and stuck with the family. his affairs dont mean he loves you anyless.
You dont mention you sister much? maybe she could help and support you.
your bf seems a bit distant with you, give him time to sort himself out..but not longer than you are prepared to wait..remember you need someone to emoitionally support you not get you worried about the relationship.
Maybe a job would be good as it would bring you a new environment and money to enjoy yourself, it doesnt have to be anything connected with your degree, you could look for a better one that was more suited to your degree whilst doing another one.
You seem very stressed and down..find around 30mins a day of 'me' time..paint your nails, read a book, surf the internet whatever you like just 'wind' down.
I know life seems bad right now..but these testing times can teach you so much. Just try to stay postive.
Good Luck and hope this helps
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