A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have some issues with regards to marriage, maybe someone here could really advise me in what I can do.My husband and I just recently moved to the States,and I was told from his parents' experience that not everything comes all at once when moving from one country to another so one must be patient. I'm trying to be patient just like thay advised me to, while he's not cause expects everything to happen at once. We moved here cause of his job contract, so for me it is a new start. Not being long here, he's started to pick on me for not doing anything. (While he was at work, I was going everywhere to get furniture and accessories etc for the apt, suiting the place up). I can't work since Im awaiting for the job permit and that does take some months, and I told him that I can't till I have it.While he's at work, I do the laundry, cook, clean up, take care of every domestic thing around the apartment and then I have time for myself which the I read book and go to the gym. (Im not used to this lifestyle but I feel held back since it has been much about him when he signed this job contract).I used to manage a retail store but then I left my job because I had to relocate to where he was living. And now I hear, how incapable I am of holding a job and that my job was peanuts comparing to his job and duties. I know that if I hadn't left that job that now I would have been a market manager with having many stores to manage, I was told by my boss at the time I was leaving. Yet I always kept inside of me and never said anything to my husband since I left my job for him. When we go to the store, he just wants things that are very expensive, and since we have one income I try to be humble and remind him that we have intially agreed to save as much as possible so that we can buy a house when the contract expires. We can afford a lot right now, but I dont go and splurge out. Yet when we go into a store and if he doesn't get what he wants he starts literally acting like a kid. Body wise, he has been picking on me. I feel ashamed of how I look. Im very petite and underweight, yet I have been hearing how flubbery my legs are :( Im not all that pretty and confident in myself. I have bags and dark circle under my eyes so I need to conceal that with make up. I wear little make up . Though he has threatened to throw my make up out. Before, when I was working I didnt glam my self but did same routine as I do now just concealing yet now it seems so terrible. Before, I dont even go to a hair salon anymore. I feel 40 but Im just in my mid 20s. Im not perfect, I have bitched at him for him not cleaning up after himself when he is at home. That is, when we lived at his parents for few weeks cause of the moving process. He managed to clean up everyday and voluntarily help around. While here, I must ask for help or things go unoticed and left for me. I was so happy over one weekend because I felt that things are changing for the better, we have gone out and had a nice time but then he drops a bombshell the next day. He saw an ad on tv about bipolar medication and says that maybe I have that and need this medication. I felt so crushed cause it offset into an arguement. I studied psychology and I wasnt that. Yet he managed to label and hurt my feelings. He never apologized nor acknowledged my feelings. He's been threating with divorce, all the time when we he have some misunderstanding. So I just give in. Ive been called stupid, psychotic , schizo, ugly, b*tch, etc. One day he has told me that he hates me very much and regrets marrying me and the next day he says he loves me very much. I only say to him how much I love him and have never said the word hate to him.He says he wants me to be happy and when Im happy I feel that sometimes he brings me down to remind me where I stand in our marriage. What am I doing wrong?
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at work, crush, divorce, my boss, petite Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (17 March 2008):
 Hi,
Sorry to say, but it looks like you two simply are not right for each other. It is a terrible thing to suggest a marriage is doomed based on a few sentences, but you paint a rather gloomy picture. He appears to have very little respect for you and you don't seem to see eye to eye on anything. You end up looking for glimpses of normality to boost the hope that your relationship is still workable. There doesnt seem to be much there. Maybe you could move back home for a while to see if there is anything worth saving. You will just drive yourself into the ground they way you are going now.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (17 March 2008):
 ... Wow that is a long list.You seem to have various issues all at once. First the simplest. Moving country is never easy, you have a completly new life to build up.You compound this by going from a career woman to a stay at home wife (not even a mom).You have some issues with how you look. You have a husband who sounds as a self-centered prick who puts everything on you if not in fact one small step away from being abusive (mental torture counts just as much as physical).The moving and loosing your job thing I can't help you with, get involved with local affairs to make new friends, but you will just have to wait out your permit. However volunteer work might be allowed. Your own self-image, why is that half the women complain about being petite and underweight and the other half about being big and overweight? Surely by the law of averages some of you should be the right figure? Most likely you look a lot better then you think but things around you keep you from realizing that.What things? Well this ..... you call your husband. If anything he is the one who is bi-polar, nice one moment, an asshole the other, your studied headcracking, crack his head for a bit after you found your old schoolbooks and read the chapter on abusive partners.You make a lot of excuses for him but the guy is obviously having some problems and you are blaming yourselve for it. Come on, you studied psych, this shouldn't be too hard if you are honest with yourselve. Battered wives syndrome?This marriage screams abuse. You have brains, use them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): I would insist on getting a job any job just for the sake of your self esteem. As for thge bi polar go to the doctors and get a clean bill of health then wave it in his face when its brought up again. It sound like its early in the marriage but you really need to stand your ground or it could be detrimental to your confidence, self esteem and possibly your mental health.Ulimately it could end in divorce. But thats better than being a martyr.Good luck
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