A
male
age
22-25,
*ourglass776
writes:Hi everyone, its been a while since my last problem and i still dont know how to start these questions. Thank you all though for the helpMy problem this time around involves my own parents and siblings.My parents are amazing as parents. Through out my life i cant think of a situation where they didnt try and help me when i needed it the most. Though they usually ever help me with medical and tangible problems like bullying or bad grades. They have coddled me my entire life and ive become quite the shut in because of it. Im not good with in person conversations or making friends relying on the internet for all my social interactions. Ive been trying to break out but its a slow process for me. Im 22 by the way for more info about me. I still live with my parents and all that cause it cheapers but they have rules for me. Like as long as i pay the electric bill and things like that.My parents have never been the most emotional supportive to me. I get the occasional "you can do it" or "i believe you can do it" but thats all. Honestly it feels like to me my parents wouldnt love me if i wasnt there son. And by that i mean they love me because i am there son and they raised me but they dont Love "me" they dont love the person who is there son. They dont like my personality and they dont value me as an independent individual.I have extreme flaws. Im very emotional i have some anger issues. I fight sometimes to get my way. In my blind ranger i dont listen. Im loud and im lazy as shit. Im alot of things. And I get some of these from my parents but they never want to admit it. I try my best to not get this way when im with them cause i want some family time with them and i try to get them to do things with me but they are lazy and rather spend time alone and independent from each other too. Mom spends time in room watching tv soap operas and dad is on the couch watching sports, both things I cant get into. I play games and collect them as well as fix electronics so i dont have a good connection with them. Its been like this since i was a young teen. It feels like i have a resent me toward them. Maybe its cause they dont listen to me or feel like they value my input on things, maybe cause they want me to treat them like a parent rather a friend. Im not sureIm not sure why i have such resentment towards my parents and feeling so angry when im around them. If anyone can help please do so. If you need anymore info please dont be afraid to ask im not against talking about my home life and such
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (26 June 2021):
 Sometimes we act out around people we are closest to because we see it as a safe release. Are your parents the only ones to whom you feel resentment or are they just the ones at whom you feel safe directing this resentment? Do you also feel resentment towards, for instance, siblings or teachers or other people who have been part of your life?
Parenting is often a thankless task. No matter how much parents do for their offspring or how many sacrifices they make, sometimes it seems like it is not enough. You admit your parents worked hard and supported you in your journey to where you are today. Have you considered that, despite your resentment for what they did NOT provide, they did their absolute best and provided all they actually could? I ask this because, for many years, I was very resentful towards my own mother for what I saw as her failings in my upbringing. It wasn't until my aunt (my mother's sister) was staying with us for a few weeks and we got talking that I found out the full details of the horrendous relationship my mother had with HER mother. It was at this point that I started to understand why my mother was incapable of providing much emotional support to me or my brother - because she had never experienced any from her own mother and did not understand the concept. We had a much better upbringing than she did, as she obviously did her absolute best not to repeat her own mother's mistakes. Sometimes other people's best is not ideal but perhaps you could cut them some slack and appreciate they did their best?
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female
reader, Tanuki +, writes (26 June 2021):
I would say it's pretty normal for a 22 year old to get annoyed with their parents if they live together. This is a time in your life when you need a bit of space to become your own person. I would recommend moving out. I moved to another continent at that age and only spoke to my parents once every couple of weeks. I started feeling closer to them again in my late twenties.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2021): Please pardon typographical errors!
I meant to say:
"Suggesting that they don't know all the answers, their style is too old-fashioned; and worst of all, that they aren't the expert or jack-of-all-trades they want us to believe them to be."
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2021): Thank you for clarifying a few things. It's now like having a conversation; and I appreciate the honesty in your response.
Your relationship with your parents is pretty normal. It's pretty typical for our dads to want to be the boss and supervisor over jobs around the house; and yeah, I can relate to how they won't listen to suggestions that might make the job easier. It's like telling them they don't know what they're doing; so they'll take the suggestion as a personal-critique. Suggesting that they don't know all the answers, they're style is too old-fashioned; and worst of all, that they aren't the expert or jack-of-all-trades they want us to believe them to be.
My dad owned some rental-properties, had great handyman-skills, and was pretty adept with construction-work. Putting himself through college, he worked under different trades. I was nervous around power tools; and he used to get annoyed about it. They were outdated, and didn't have all the safety features they have now. They were really loud, and had a lot of kickback in those days. I took shop in junior high school, it helped me get used to using band-saws, table saws, drills, and other tools. I wanted to prove something to him. I just couldn't learn under his "roll-up your sleeves and do-it" training-style.
He got annoyed when I couldn't relax my shoulders holding the power saw. He was a very kind man; but some things just got under his skin. He'd get so exasperated! It's really funny now, and he used to joke about it at the dinner table. He even threatened to make me cut boards and railroad ties with the power saw as punishment when I did something wrong. [LOL]
I got my vengeance by replacing all of his old power tools on Father's Day, Christmas, and birthdays. Turning the table, and having to teach HIM how to use the modernized-tools with safety features. You can imagine! He refused to use them, claiming they weren't as good. He had no choice when the old ones wore-out and died! I even taught him how to use a power-roller to paint! Loved it! I love power tools now! My nail gun is my favorite!
Consider a lot of things you've touched-on pretty typical dad-behavior. They have their pride. Being challenged by his young-adult son is a thing dating back to ancient times. They don't like being perceived as the aging-bull losing his vigor, and ready to be put to pasture. Such father-son clashes are normal. It shouldn't rise to a level you feel you'd need therapy for that specific reason; but if you have issues with your temper and coping with tense situations, it's a very good idea. You need a place to vent, and sort things out. That's better than internalizing it as anger or frustration; then letting it build-up until you lash-out, or explode. Hobbies, sports, exercise workouts, and arts & crafts do pretty much the same thing. They provide a good outlet for tension or nervous-energy, and produce dopamine.
Your resentment may be misplaced. You still don't clearly explain what it is you find to be dissatisfied about. You admit you're not perfect; so you should be more understanding about the flaws you see in your parents. They may not meet a standard of quality and character you feel they should; but my friend, that's what their love compensates for. You can't change who your parents are, or how they behave. You can change and improve yourself.
It's time for you to move-out and live independently. This will allow much of the resentment building-up to subside. You will clash from time to time with your dad; and mom will allows treat you like a baby. It's a mom thing.
Our aging-dads feel their vitality and manhood is diminished; when compared to your youthfulness and vigor. You still have the world before you, you have untapped energy, and potential you have yet to discover. He doesn't want you to look down on him; so he may not handle it well when you challenge his authority, or question his logic. It was easier when you were a kid; then he could pull rank. Now you're a man, and he can't push you around like back in the day. He feels disrespected when you call him out when he does something that looks dumb. Like the fence painting incident.
I sort of gather that your resentment as being somewhat ashamed of your parents for their simplicity, or down-to-earthiness. They're not overly sophisticated; and may be crude about a few things. You might want to them to seem a little more hip to what's going-on. You want them to treat you with more tenderness, and to believe in you. Make you feel as if they are genuinely proud of you. If you move-out, and focus more on setting goals and meeting them. You'll have no time left for scrutinizing and resenting your parents. Distance sometimes changes the family-dynamic; as absence makes the heart grow fonder. Your opinions and decisions are better put to use under your own roof.
I have a clearer picture now. I do understand how you might feel a little under-appreciated as an adult; and it's mainly because you have outgrown your surroundings. It's time to move on.
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male
reader, hourglass776 +, writes (24 June 2021):
hourglass776 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo to Wise, ive been looking forward to someone answering this all day and reading you post has helped me in someways but i feel like i may have not given enough context or said somethings to give the wrong context.Im a 22 year old male who lives with my parents while I work. I'm finacially stable and independent from them and the only reason i do live with them is cause it is cheap. And maybe hope to build a better bond with them (im not sure if that is how i feel about that im saying it cause im thinking of why i ever chose to stay in their house). They were the ones who convinced me to live with them until i was ready so i just agreed and went along with it.I also should state im not ungrateful about what they have done for me in my entire life, my parnets have fought tooth and nail for my future by working hard jobs and bankruptcy and my siblings bullshit to put me where i am today. And i love them for it. I love my parents with all my heart and i love them as family.I said my flaws as i didnt want to seem like i was trying to paint myself as the best dream son. As if I am sayinf "My parents dont like me, why dont they love their elegant and beautiful son???" None of that. Im a human, i have flaws, my parents have flaws and that something here im not seeing here that is conflicting between our relationship.I probably came off wrong asking the question, what i meant to say is i have this deep feeling of resentment i dont understand towards my parents and Im absolutely not sure why and Its hurting me and im taking it out on my parents unintentionally. I dont want to be mad when im around my parents. I want my parents to know i love them and to believe me when i say i love them but it feels like i get unnecessarily mad with them and i dont even realize it. The reason i asked this question is because recently me and my parents got into an arguement. This was over the new fence they got in their backyard. Ill try to be as unbiased as possible with this story. My father has asked me to help me with the water proof finish on the fence. He had gotten these two pump sprayers from lowes i think and wanted the both of us to do it. The sprayers really sucked, for one they needed to be pumped constantly and two the sprayer was both too forcefull and not wide enough as the sprays need to be up close but if too close would just cause big splash backs. After a bit and having to resort to paint brushes to even get a gnice steady coat, i knew this would take us forever. I said to my dad "Lets stop this, and figure out a different way" my dad refused to listen to me and just wanted to keep painting. After more nagging from me we both started to get heated. At some point in that argument my dad said "You know ***** i hate doing things with you" and to me that hurt. After a while of my dad just saying "just go and figure something out", im now not wanting to leave him painting by himself and now painting out of spite cause he wanted me to leave. After a long while when we finished just one entire pannel in the fence with the finish we put the brushes down. My moms outside looking for someway to get this fence done that doesnt involve me and my dad in the hot sun for 8 hours painting a fence. My dad goes to talk to my mom and i noticed when my dad was using the sprayer it got the side of the house. There was a enough of a gap between where he sprayed and the side of the house. And its been a while since he sprayed and with the hot sun out it began hardening fast. I could still get it out with my finger nail but not deep enough with a brush. My idea was a small pressure wash with the pressure washer. Both my parents thought this was a bad idea and refused to let me try and power wash the side. Eventually out disagreement turned into another arguement and my mom saying "Just let me him do it so he can fuck it up". After that i couldnt take it anymore and stormed off,(maybe like a child but its the only thing i could think of when its my parents) since then me and my parents are on very little speaking terms. My dad doesnt want to say anything to me, this is pretty usually after and arguement. He always gets like this even when he is in the wrong. He doesnt like to admit hes wrong and hes very quiet about his feelings he doesnt like to express how things are and he doesnt want to talk about it. My mom doesnt understand my boundaries as an adult and treats me like her child alot. Sometimes it small things like she packs my lunch bag and helps me out when i need her help with documents but it goes into how she treats and talks to me " im her baby boy" and "ill always need her help" ive tried to get to treat me as an adult but she doesnt respect my requests for her to stop and weve gotten into arguements in the past about that.Maybe i honestly need a therapist again but ive tried so hard before with other therapists but the results never last too long. And you are right i think its time i finally moved out and lived on my own. Ive actually started yesterday looking for my own apartment but alot of studios or 1 bedrooms around me are taken but ill keep trying.Back to your comments.Quote:"If you want some quality-time, simply ask for it. Either make some tempting suggestions; or take some suggestions on what they'd like to do"Probably when i was young ive tried doing this thought ive never gotten consistent results. My parents have become sort of indoor people. They dont usually go out and ive adopted this habbit early in my life. I spend most of my time in my room cause i dont have good social skills or friends (and we just moved to a new state recently too) so im not too sure on how to go out and find things we can do as of now. I mean as of recent i suggested the idea of a water park cause of how hot its getting and my parents liked the idea but im not sure as a of now.Quote:"while still under their roof. Yet you're complaining? They should be writing DC wonder why their son resents them and won't get a life?"Again they suggested i stay under their roof as long i help where i can. I do my best when im around but i still got some happens like i dont make my bed, im late when doinf laundry, i dont clean my plates right away. The small things ive been trying to work on. I have online friends that actually feel great to talk to and spend time with. Ive been going to the gym regularly every tuesday, thursday and saurday. I also explore the state whenever i get the chance alone in my car. I have a life its just my relationship with my parents isnt the best. Its like i got some kind of unfinished business with them but im not sure what it is and im angry with them (im not sure if thats exactly what it is im trying to describe my feeling)Quote:"You can't behave like a total scornful spoiled-brat; then turnaround and want everyone lavishing you with love and affection"I really hope im not coming off this way to you and especially my parents. Its just like my parents say i lash out at them but i have no memory about every wanting to be mad at them. Im trying to understand this feeling i have with them. It feels like im not a family memeber, like again, i feel like my parents only love me because im their son and not because they love, Me the individual with who i am as a person. I feel disconnected from my family and its not just my parents but my half brother too but thats another issue.Im not sure what else i should add right now and i hope thats enough. Im talking from the top of my mind and im never good with talking about my problems in a coherent manner so please forgive me if i seem like im all over the place or not giving enough info. Thanks again Mr. WiseOwlE
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2021): Typo corrections:
"They should be writing DC! Wondering why their son resents them, and won't get a life?
"That's something given strictly voluntary; and it all depends on who you are as a person, and what you truly deserve as the recipient."
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2021): You need to grow-up and gain your own independence by living on your own. Instead of sitting there drumming-up reasons to resent your parents; based on presumably weird and unjustified perceptions. That is what happens in an idle-mind; that has nothing better, or more constructive to do. You live at home for cheap, when you should be out fending for yourself.
News flash! Your parents are two free adults living in their own home, and doing what they like to do. If you take issue with their choices; you are welcome to move-out and find your life! You've admitted to being lazy yourself, so who are you to point any fingers?
I doubt you'd have the benefit and advantage of cheap rent; if they didn't truly love you. They could kick you out on your keister; and let you face the daily struggles of the real-world. It is not their fault who you are as an individual; once you're a full-grown adult. Strictly because you can make your own wise decisions and choices; and you can do things to improve who you are, and how you live. You can seek professional help; to work on mental-health issues, or any perceivable emotional or social disorders. You no longer need their consent.
Once you're a grown-man, what you do is fully your choice. You suffer the consequences of your own actions. It's all on you! There is no mention of child-abuse or serious neglect from these people in your post. Just that they don't coddle or treat you like a little kid anymore. It's convenient to blame your parents for your shortcomings; and it's harder to own-up to them. Take responsibility for your own faults and flaws. It's your job as an adult, to undo whatever faults and weaknesses you feel you've inherited from your parents. You're now a grown-up! You can venture-out and explore all the possibilities. Find yourself, and discover your own potential. It's hard, but you have to decide to take the first-step. They don't need to push you anymore. You got your flying-feathers back when you were between 18-21! If you lack ambition, and you're aware of it; the next step is to do something about it. Hopefully, you've got some college, or a degree. If not, it's still not too late.
If you want some quality-time, simply ask for it. Either make some tempting suggestions; or take some suggestions on what they'd like to do...all your treat! If you're not presently working, get a job! Talk is cheap! Complaining and whining requires no constructive-energy. Offer to take them out for fun and entertainment once a week. They have the right to decline; especially, if you're prone to making public spectacles or scenes. Suggest going on family-outings to the movies, nature hikes, or dining-out together. If they don't want to, that doesn't mean they don't love you.
Let's get-down to the nitty-gritty. Remember, with you comes a history of who you were as a child and a teenager. It now extends into your adulthood; while still under their roof. Yet you're complaining? They should be writing DC wonder why their son resents them and won't get a life?
Your disposition, attitude, and behavior has a direct effect on how people behave with, and around you. Sometimes how you're treated depends on how you treat others. You can't behave like a total scornful spoiled-brat; then turnaround and want everyone lavishing you with love and affection. As if you're the dream-son of the century. You know you haven't been, and that you're not. You've put them through some things, and you know it! Yet they've kept you safe and close; even as an adult. That's in spite of it all!
I wonder what their story would be, if they had the chance to tell their side of things?
Your complaint and resentment is unfounded. You have it made, but you're ungrateful. Most sons like you've described yourself to be, get kicked-out!
Try working on yourself, read books on self-improvement; and even consider finding spiritual-faith and worship to enlighten your soul. If you believe in God, pursue more about Him. Be thankful for what you have, and the fact you have parents who don't mind that you get-by on the cheap. You've admitted they've supported and encouraged you all of your life.
You don't get to choose their parenting-style, or decide how other people should show you love. Love is a gift, and you take it with grace and gratitude. That's something given strictly voluntary; and all it depends on who you are as a person; and what you truly deserve as the recipient. When you become a parent, make up for what you belief your parents fell short of. See if you can live-up to, or surpass, such a challenge.
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