A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I will make this simple short and sweet. My wife lied to me about her sexual past and was not honest about it. She had made herrself sound innocent and I knew she wasn't a virgin when we met. Being dumb and naïve I didn't press the issue further. A situation came up again later in life and we were forced to discuss it.We have been married for nine years and we have one kid. We have never fought about anything before this. Of course I was angry and upset at this news and I lashed out at her. I realize that I acted immature and not the most supportive husband possible. I was more upset at the lying than the sexual past but putting both those together is really bad. So for my sanity and well-being of the family I apologized.I also forgive her for what she did even though she didn't feel remorseful about the lying or her past. The problem I'm having is now I'm very numb inside and I feel like I have changed into a worse person. I feel like something is lost and things have changed. I am definitely more flirty with women and girls and I fear that I might do something to jeopordize the relationship.I want to know if any men or women have done the same thing and feel the way that I do? What I'm really trying to figure out is when something like this happens is the relationship changed in your opinions? Has anybody cheated on their girlfriend or wife in a situation like this.I know the person is the same the marriage is the same but something just doesn't feel right anymore.
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flirt, her past, immature, sexual past Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2015): There is nothing "spoiled" about wanting a partner who really is the person they told you they were, and getting upset when you find out they have been lying for 9 years.
to the OP,
Don't make this about her past sex life. Make this about her lying & manipulating you into a relationship when you might have felt her real history was a deal-breaker.
Make no mistake, feelings of retroactive jealousy DO NOT GO AWAY. There is no magic future time when you will get over it. "Getting over it" is what people who don't understand this problem think should happen, not what really does happen. These things are usually rooted in deeper moral differences that don't get fixed. You either break up or accept a permanent problem that needs to be handled carefully for the rest of your lives. Its never going to stop hurting, you can only decide to deal with the hurt.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2015): Yes it changes the relationship. Especially if neither of you take the proper steps to redeem yourselves (or herself). It raises a lot of questions about that person's integrity. It makes you suspect that person must have a lot to hide, if she feels the need to lie. It makes you question what else she's lied about and whether you even really know this person.
I am always suspicious of people who paint themselves as too innocent and righteous. It doesn't seem natural or human to me.
I understand your resentment but I don't think you should cheat on her. Two wrongs don't make a right. And, frankly, that seems like an immature solution to the dilemma you are facing. And makes you no better than her.
You two need to talk. Like a real heart to heart. She needs to redeem herself and come clean with you. She needs to talk to you, the man she chose to spend the rest of her life with, openly and honestly. And you need to hear her out nonjudgmentally.
You two are not children so you need to stop with these childish games. She needs to stop playing Ms. Holy Virgin Mary and you need to be a MAN and a HUSBAND in dealing with this. Not a brooding spoiled little boy.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (14 February 2015):
 She should be remorseful for the lying, but not her past because it is just that: her past - as in, before you.
If she's not apologetic about lying, that's a big problem because it shows that she thinks it's okay to lie.
As for your flirting, you can stop that and not have to "fear" something will happen because you're in control of your actions, so it's up to you whether you jeopardise your relationship further which, by the way, you're already doing by flirting with others and knowing it's not harmless.
Personally, I think you need couples therapy to get to the root of your issues together and try to resolve it properly.
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A
female
reader, mrspiggy +, writes (14 February 2015):
 When you say 'she made herself sound innocent', how do you mean?
Because you assuming that she us innocent and her lying about it are two different things. What is this new information that has made you feel this way? Why does it change things?
If she didn't actually lie to you and you just made assumptions then I don't understand wgat
And no this is not a reasonable reason to cheat. There are no good reasons to cheat.
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