A
female
age
36-40,
*harlotte84
writes:I’ve been seeing this man for nearly four months. He works in a bar that I used to frequent and one night I stayed there until late, all the people left and we were alone. Before all this happened, he was always flirting with me, smiling at me and I knew he liked me. That night, when I stayed there with him, we started kissing and we didn’t stop for another three hours. Nothing more happened, and then he drove me home. He asked me for my phone number and promised to call me.I didn’t care too much because I was sure it was a standard night for him, a cute waiter, so I wasn’t really waiting for his call. He texted me the very next day that he keeps thinking of me but is afraid to hurt me and doesn’t know what to do. We met and spoke and we ended up making out again. And he said he wanted to be with me.I gave him a week to decide what he really wanted and I left abroad. He kept texting me all the time when I was gone and when I got back, we met, he took me for a walk, to dinner and then I ended up at his place, of course. That had never happened to me before, I always dated men for at least a couple of weeks before I slept with them.Right now we seem to be having a normal relationship although we don’t really go out and see each other very often. We often spend our time in bed and I’m okay with that because we both are rather busy people and we are tired to go out. Or maybe that’s what I want to believe. I don’t mind it too much but during the time we’ve been together I have really fallen for him and it bothers me that he prefers to keep our relationship a secret because, as he claims, he doesn’t want to explain anything to people that come to the bar and talk to him. He says they are not his friends, just customers and he is bothered to tell them anything about his private life.He also was (and perhaps still is) kind of a womanizer but when we are together, everything is great, I really like him and I really think he likes me. I don’t think he is cheating on me but you never know. Lately I’ve been thinking about the secret thing he insists on and I feel kind of humiliated that he doesn’t want to tell anyone, not even his real friends. Do you think I’m only a booty call girl to him? He said he loved me a couple of times but these are just words, right? I tend to freak out because due to this I don’t think I’m able to trust him properly. I really need to see this from a different point of view, can you please post me some advice? Thank you. BTW. As for the age, we both are in our late 20s.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (17 July 2011):
 You do not lack the strength. Strength comes from experience.
Our muscles get stronger because we use them, right?
WE get stronger with our courage with each time we excercise it.
You lack the experience to shut down someone who is not meeting your needs. Besides, who wants to date a young guy who acts like a boring old man, sitting at home in front of the Tv? Yawn!
Remember, its ok to ask for what you want if really, REALLY feel like you need that to feel secure in a relationship.
You may not get it. Then you just gracefully act like an adult, thank them for the fun times, and wish them well.
Best be on your way to your OWN happiness with someone who meshes with you better.
Best Wishes.
A
female
reader, charlotte84 +, writes (17 July 2011):
charlotte84 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou are right. I should stop it... thanks for the advice. I feel lost, I really fell for him because when we are together, he is great to me, he takes care of me, we can talk and laugh. But then he says something that hurts me and mainly I am concerned about the secret thing. Some ppl saw us together and he was quite fine with that but he wont tell anyway. Also, he claims he doesnt wanna go out because is fed up with people that he sees at work so he prefers staying at home and watching tv. its no good i guess, i just lack the strength to ditch him.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (17 July 2011):
From everything you described, this guy sees you as a casual relationship and not girlfriend material.
Sorry.
A guy who is really into you and feels like you are a part of his life, is going to show you off to his closest mates. He will be PROUD to say "THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND".
Does he need to tell customers who are you are? Nope. But if he his flirting with other women IN YOUR COMPANY and makes no connection with you at all in public? Yep, he is just enjoying the other benefits of being with you in private.
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