A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Okay. Well where do I start? I have been with my boyfriend now for almost 5 months. I'm not going to go majorly into the backstory about how we got together, but before hand I had been in a 9 month relationship with another person who was a nightmare, there was physical violence on a few occasions and it felt like he was always manupilating me, I don't like to say it was mental abuse, but yeah, it was abit like that. So when I met my current boyfriend it was like a god send, like someone loved and cared about me, he had a good personality and just seemed great. 3 months in he cheated on me, so we had a one month break up and ended up getting back together, due to my own personal choices. Now however, i'm starting to have doubts. I have an anxiety disorder, and well I worry about everything normally, the prospect of him cheating again is always on my mind, and it does drive me crazy. I do believe that he may of learnt his lesson, but the paranoia never goes away and deep down I don't feel like I can forgive him for what he did, and the way I was treated by him when we broke up. Things did get better when we got back together, they are better than they have ever been between us, however it feels like deep down I deserve better and as I have never had an actual good relationship I do kind of get warped of what I think a good relationship is meant to be. Anyway I will get to the point about what has made me suddenly feel that I do not deserve this. Last night we went round a friend of ours to have a nice evening. He always has to show off and well just take the fun out of everything, he spent the whole night winding me up and in general being a twat. It made it arkward for everyone else there as I didn't want to have an argument around someone elses house but he just would not stop. Before we went around this friends of mine, he was telling me about how much he didn't like him (they have both had abit of a personal vendetta against eachother, but seem to get along when they are together, its strange.) but anyway yeah he was saying how he just was gonna go round to use him and to eat his food and so forth, which I didn't agree with but hey that's just the way it is. Later on that night this friend invited him to sleep, funnily enough he snatched up the opportunity even though he was slagging him off a few hours ago. Later on in the night another friend arrived with pizza. There wasn't much so he gave my boyfriend a slice and said he could share it, but due to him being selfish he mucked around with it to show off, and then eat it all. Now I know it sounds stupid that i'm irritated by abit of pizza, but listen here. He has loads of troubles at home, he gets a little amount of money of which he normally spends on tobacco or food. I buy him so much stuff, I share everything I have with him, he stays round my house almost every weekend because he hates going home, I give him money when he doesn't have any, and I buy him food when I buy myself some, I do it all out of the kindness of my heart, and he repays me like that? He's selfish, he always has everything his way, and because yeah i'm a push over, I allow it. Now i'm getting to the end of my teather and I don't know how long I can carry on. We never do anything together, and if we do its most of the time ME paying for it. When hes round his friends i'm second best, especially if they have something he wants. Hes two faced of which I don't agree with and we do nothing but argue half the time abaout the past and what he did. I text him the problem when I got home, and all I got was whatever. I have tried to break up with him, but then the tears come on, he says he can't live without me, and me being me, decides against it. I'm also terrified of being on my own, I'm scared about him getting a new girlfriend in a week and it affecting my mental health, or all he rumours going around my town which have been started by him, just like the last time. I can't deal with it again, and now I do not know what to do, I feeling like I can't carry on with him relationship wise, but I do not want to lose him, and I don't want to be on my own and all the rumours and what not to start again because of him. So suggestions? Thank you for taking your time to read this 3
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (3 June 2013):
 You're a caring person, but it's important that you take care for YOURSELF first. There is no benefit in giving giving giving to a leech. They'll just bleed you dry. "But I NEED you!" the leech may cry. Yes, that's true, a leech needs blood to survive.
What might be good for the leech is detrimental to you, however. So reflect that you are choosing your own situation, and may not have the perspective and the distance to realize that it's not good for you.
I do hope you'll find that out before too long. I would suggest some counseling as you seem to select men who are users and abusers. Your need to be 'caring' is seriously detrimental to your own well-being.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your feedback its helped a lot. I'm a very caring person and due to just being used to worse they say, It takes a lot for me to just stop caring. I know one day if he continues, it will get to the point (like it has with the other relationship) I decide enough is enough and walk away. I am not ready to let him go, and unless things improves or until I lose my patience completely, it will be then I let him go. All of the food and money is going to stop, I've never given him a big amount btw most I've given him Is a fiver. But I know he thinks he can get everything so easy, its like we walk into a shop and he immediately assume I am going to buy him something, its because i'm too generous obviously, and due to my age and the place I live, I know many people see it more as an opportuniry, so that is going to stop all the free things and the whole giving in thing. Also I have had a few days break to see if we did broke up if I could kind of handle it if it makes sense, as usually i'm not prepared and it comes as a bit of a shock when it happens, but I've dealt with it well so yeah. Thanks for the advice
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (31 May 2013):
 You'll leave him when you're truly ready to.
Until then, you already know what your reality is. You'll continue to have to deal with all the stress and tears he brings you regardless of how that negatively impacts your life. I'm sorry hon.
There's not much really to say about this situation other than that. You're not really actually ready to go because you haven't left yet. When you're REALLY ready to go, you'll just go and nothing he can say will stop you from leaving. Until then, you're making a CONSCIOUS choice to put up with his BS, and you'll have to live with that choice.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 May 2013):
Just tell him it's over, don't stick around for the tears. It's not your job to comfort him at that point.
Tell your friends that you are about to break up with him. Tell them that in the past when you have tried to do this, all these rumors start going around about you and you suspect he's spreading them to manipulate you.
Tell your parents that you need their love and support right now. Tell them what has been going on with Mr. Wrong.
If you need help in disengaging, do what So Very Confused advised, which is to stop paying for things, stop doing sexual things, just become extremely boring and unresponsive to him.
You do want to lose him, you just are a bit too dependent to see that just yet.
Talk to your parents and your girlfriends.
If you don't have girlfriends, perhaps this is part of the problem.
So if he gets a new girlfriend, so what? She's just his next victim. And it will show you very clearly that he's been using you for a long time.
Let it go, let him go. Be brave.
Ask for help from your family and friends and you'll get through it just fine. In fact, I suspect you will feel a deep sense of relief, only you just can't imagine that yet. It will happen.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=
that's some backbone for you, now use it, girl!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2013): There isn't much to be said here. You will reach the end of your rope; and you won't be too much of a push-over at the point.Your current boyfriend is dangling by a thread. I commend you for exhibiting patience, and that you have maintained a bit of control in spite of your anxiety. That is a show of strength in itself. You have the ability to forgive. However; he is pushing the envelope, and he is well past his expiration date.Boys at his age are generally immature and do a lot of stupid things. They often need girls like you to keep them in-line. As long as they do you no physical, emotional, or social harm; you try to have a sense of humor. You can put up with a limited amount of silliness.He has gone too far. He is two-faced, he exploits and manipulates you and his friends. When boys go that route; you're supposed to boot them to the curb. They have reached your limit of tolerance and may cause you to lose your friends.I don't think you need advice; just the last straw. It's here.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 May 2013):
 I read your whole submission and it boils down to this
he's a user
you want out but are too afraid to leave for various reasons
when you try to leave he manipulates you into staying with him.
IF you are not ready to break up with him and stay strong then you will have to make him so miserable he breaks up with you. It's better to LEARN to be alone and be strong on your own before you couple with someone
You say you can't deal with him or the rumors and you don't want to lose him... WHAT about him don't you want to lose, the abuse, the use, the rumors, the hurt, the manipulation?
this is what you have to do
1. STOP giving him money or buying him things. when the bank dries up he'll get tired of you.
2. if you are sexual with him in any way (hand jobs blow jobs etc) STOP IT. NO physical activity at all with him.
3. stop letting him crash at your place.. free food, free rent, free board... free sex... NO NO NO
stop making it so easy for him to use you
and know that his leaving in the long run will be the best thing that can happen to you... if you don't feel strong enough to be alone, find a good therapist to help you work on your self-esteem.
YOU are worth more than abuse
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