A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have posted on here in the past and got some helpful answers, so here goes!I met a guy about 6 years ago and we kept in touch (long distance I am in the UK and he is in Italy). We always had a connection. Recently we met up again as both agreed we wanted to see each other.We had a good time and agreed to meet again - I will go there in May and he will come here in July. He treated me very well, with respect and we hit it off, had a good chemistry plus personality connect, similar values and some shared interests etc. He told me quite sincerely that he had a beautiful time with me etc.My issues, to get to the point are around insecurity. I really like him and don't want to ruin it. I had a violent relationship in the past then a verbally abusive one (both long term). We usually text each other every day and catch up on facebook regularly. I know his working patterns and he is busy with shifts etc. However if one day he does not text, say 1 day out of 4 or 5, I really panic and get insecure. I put myself though hell about it and it always turns out ok in the end ie we speak again within a day or two.I can talk to him easily and we've agreed to talk on Skype. The issue is with me however. Has anyone else had insecurity issues like this and how did you handle them? Should I talk to him or should I just force myself not to worry and go with the flow?The reason I am asking is because for a long time I stayed away from relationships and now I have started seeing him, who I really like, albeit long distance and I don't want to ruin it. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated. Thank you :) x
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female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (21 March 2015):
I doubt you're immature but sometimes we all reach a point where we need help. CBT is amazing. I had it myself. I used to give 100% to friendships and relationships and come out with nothing and get hurt badly. I used to over-react to silly things and big things used to overwhelm me. I used to think negatively about everything and everyone.
But our situations are different yet similar in someways. When you like someone you want it to work but you're afraid of pushing so hard that you'll ruin things. I know how you feel. Like I said you have the chance to make changes now that'll last forever. You deserve to be happy and will get there with the right help.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2015): Keeley345 Thank you! I was thinking of doing CBT. It's not that I am immature as such - I am a mature sensible woman in every other way and even within this situation I have managed to be mature but just at times the past catches up with me and it is overwhelming. I really like this person and don't want to drive him away and don't want to ruin the underlying friendship which goes back nearly 7 years and has always been there :) x
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (21 March 2015):
I have had insecurities similar to yours. We all do sometimes. However if you feel they are consuming you, then there's a problem. You don't want to feel this way all the time if at all.
There is a term in Psychology called 'Rejection Sensitivity'. Google it. This may explain some of what you're feeling. Basically when we get rejected, hurt, betrayed, let down etc It hurts and that's natural. Not nice but sh*t happens. But if it happens all the time then we withdraw into a shell.
After that we react negatively to situations where we feel rejected or let down. Sometimes we even wrongly assume someone has let us down and withdraw and even become angry at the other person or ourselves. We live and create what is known as 'A self fulfilling prophecy' E.g If we think someone will let us down....they then let us down.
I believe we learn from past hurts but can become over concerned about future hurts happening. Being over sensitive you could say. History won't always repeat itself e.g if someone hurts us today, the same thing might not happen again in future.
How to stop, in your case with this man, over worrying about him not txting etc, is the start of making changes that'll improve your life and create happier, healthier romances and friendships. Start small and practice with friends. If a friend says they'll text you and they don't, try and challenge negative thoughts e.g "they've let me down" with "It's possible they might be busy, this friend has always been reliable in the past".
This suggestion is a form of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) I won't go into details as we'll be here for years to come...lol There is so much about CBT out there so I'd suggest you google it too, maybe buy a book on it and practice. CBT says when we think negatively, we act and feel negatively. This may be due to past events or things we are'nt even aware of. But you can change your ways so to speak.
There is no time like the present to make wonderful changes to your life hun. However if you feel you need more support, speak to your GP and you can be referred to a counsellor even a CBT therapist to help you. We're here on Dear Cupid to help as best as we can but sometimes we all need abit more help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2015): WiseOwlE Thank you for taking the time to write such a long reply. Yes it makes sense what you say .... I think I just didn't realise that I still had some of these issues, so I need to sort them out within myself and not put pressure on me or him. Much appreciated your reply x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2015): The human-mind doesn't really resolve itself to taking substitutes. If he can't be there in the flesh, you crave his frequent and regular contact through messaging and Skype. No matter how much we try, technology just doesn't take the place of the in-person experience. It leaves so much to be desired. The senses demand satisfaction, and they go haywire when we don't give-in to the cravings.
My dear, you're a mature woman; and sometimes you will have to use a little self-control. You can dismiss your behavior and rationalize it by using "anxiety" as your excuse. Be that the case, you may not be healthy enough for an adult-relationship; let alone one that is long-distance.
The feeling of anticipation is part of our love and attraction to another person. We all feel a little "panic" when we don't get that immediate dose of reassurance and reciprocation; however, we also have to employ some maturity to allow for circumstances that don't always allow us to have our way.
You both have planned-out your vacations, and it seems your connection is well-set. You just have to control your impulse to flip-out; because a day passes he doesn't feel like a chat. That is mainly because his schedule doesn't allow for it, fluctuations in his mood; and sometimes artificial methods of communication are tiresome. Neither of you are teenagers. You're both mature-adults. So he may like to take a break, and not sit behind a device to pacify your need to have your insecurities stroked.
You're a woman, not a child. The difference is the level of patience, understanding, and experience. Aside from the years we've spent on the planet.
It seldom gets through to some people who may be a bit needy, but there has to be "me-time" for everyone in a relationship. Meaning, they are not forced by "obligation" to check-in and remind us they are there. It isn't likely he forgot about you in a day. He just needs rest from using a device; when he'd rather be there with you.
Speaking personally, I just get overwhelmed with text messages from friends, family, and work. Fortunately, my boyfriend and I hate a lot of messaging. I know, I know... the difference for you is he lives in another country. Well, we all have to spend time on laptops, conference-technology to conduct business, smartphones, and personal computers around the clock. Sometimes a person just needs a break from it all.
Sometimes we must shutoff our phones!!! We just need the down-time. I get an average of 200 e-mails a day at work, almost the same by the time I get home, and my friends and family text me all day. My boyfriend is not the only person demanding my attention. I will overlook everybody else if he messages me, because if I'm at work; it's important!
Get used to the breaks. Send him a message to remind him you miss him. Just don't send it with a demand for a reply. You want him to send them voluntarily, not because he had better do it. You want them to come when he is in the mood to do it. So it is fun, and not a chore. If he felt he had to, he may reconsider seeing you anymore. Don't gauge a person's feelings by their response-time. If they lose their phone, or it's on the charger; you might go into cardiac-arrest! Sometimes silly messages for no reason are loveable; and sometimes they're downright annoying!
Long-distance is stressful. You make it more-so; if you allow yourself to be selfish and demanding of people to stick to schedule, regardless of what their personal-schedule may demand of them. Or, the fact that they just get tired of trying to express their emotions through artificial means.
You may be a little spoiled, and just need to find more ways to fill your time with pleasure and intellectual stimulation when you don't hear from him. But please please, don't lose that feeling of anticipation; because that is the joy of caring for someone. Just don't let neediness muck it up.
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