A
female
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anonymous
writes:Hi, my bf and i have been together for just over 2 years, im 20 and his 25 years old, the problem is that i have trouble communicating my feelings and emotions and often bottle up everything.This is causing problems in our relationship and every so often he gets upset with me because i dont "talk" to him, i feel so bad about this and when this talk happens about me not talking enough i freak out and cry then he feels bad for making me cry, its just i dont know how to express my feelings very well and crying is all i know.When i was living with my parents, my dad would never let me have my say or listen to me or i would get in trouble for expressing my thoughs, and my mother she would not help, her advice was if your get in argument with a man just walk away or ignore it, in school was not much help either all my friends would go on about them selves and no one would ask me about who id have a crush on or if id like to go out on the weekend, after awhile i just though no one cared about my feelings or thoughs, now im with someone who does.I need advice on what i can do to help myself be better at communicating, does anyone have any advice on a course or if they have had the same problem and what they did? my bf told me that there are people far more worse off then me and i should get some balls abouy myself and grow a bridge, but thats easier said then done, i can tell myself this but it doesnt actually make me communicate better.I dont swear i dont drink or smoke, i dont go out clubbing or to pubs and i dont nag or complain,i though that is what every guy would want in a women, i feel like my bf wants me to be something im not, he says he wishies i would open up and say something if he does something to bother me to tell him straight out. i just dont know wht to do im so scared that ill loose him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you bev and martini for your advice, it was very much appreciated.
The idea about having a journal was a good idea martini but i have already tried this and my boyfriend just got mad about it saying that im not communicating to him by writting in a journal and prefered me to stop using a journal, so i did.
Bev that was great advice and as of this moment i am going to put in fource every time i want to say something i will, it will be dificult at first but i think the idea with rewarding myself everytime i come out of my shell abit more will help me alot, i have used this method before when trying to save money in the past, if i saved $100.00 a week out of my pay i would treat myself once a month to buy something and it worked great, i dont know why i did'nt think of that idea myself.thank you so much
You are correct about my boyfriend, he seems to think if no one is like him or thinks like him then they are wrong, he has even referred to himself as a genetically perfect person.
I do have depression and very low self esteem and major body image issues, mind you my body image problem has only become worse while in this relationship to the extent that i am obsessed about my appearance, i am a gym junky and im either starving myself during the day or counting colories,anyway thats a hole different story.
Thanks for the advice and if anyone else has any ideas would be great.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly +, writes (5 June 2006):
 Well, the first comment I have is that your boyfriend isn't really helping you to cope, with his badgering and his "get over it" attitude. If I were to speak to him, I'd be asking him to recognise that not everyone is as polished and perfect as he clearly believes he is, and to give you some credit for knowing when you have a problem you want to solve. (Although, to be fair, most men think that the they have to come up with some "solution" to every problem. He may not realise he doesn't have to fix this for you.)
The general idea is not to "build a bridge and get over it" or "grow balls". The idea is to work on convincing yourself that what you have to say, and what you think, is as important as anything anyone else says. A person does that slowly, in small steps, like everything else that you have to teach yourself. If you had to learn to play the panpipes, or learn to swim, you give yourself time to get good at it. This is the same thing.
BTW, if you've ever seen a "reality-TV" programme, then I can assure you that what you think is probably MILES more valuable than anything you'll see there! ;-)
You boyfriend can help you, if he's serious, by asking your advice now and then -- and if it's good, by taking it. A little recognition from him could help build up your self-esteem too, eg:
"You were right about the merlot! This is great!"
"I was worried that blue might not suit me, but I'm glad you talked me into it..."
"OK, I guess we've never been to Toronto. If you think it's a good bet, then let's do that."
Fundamentally, this is about your self-esteem. When you were a kid, your family managed to convince you that your feelings and ideas weren't important. Now that you're an adult and see that this is wrong, you have to do something to change that perception.
There's no sure-fire way to do that, which will work for everyone, but start by making yourself a list of your good qualities. If you have trouble starting that, then pretend someone else is describing you.
By the time you get 4 or 5 items listed ("I listen to people with problems and want to help", "I love animals", "Kids like me"...) you should start to realise that you're actually a pretty likeable person. You need to remember that, and remind yourself that the impression that you got as a child was *wrong*, and you need to unlearn it. Keep picking away at that fact until you start remembering it every day. You're a GOOD person, and your emotions are as valuable as ANYONE'S.
When you catch yourself bottling up your thoughts or feelings, stop. Say something, even something small like "I don't agree with that, but it's OK if you do". Then reward yourself for catching yourself in a bad habit. Treat yourself to new nails, or buy your nephew a small present. Something that will please you, and help you remember that you're slowly overcoming this problem.
Don't expect miracles. If you've got years of experience to unlearn, it will take you some time. But be patient and remember that taking little steps is OK.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2006): It's a great idea to keep a journal of your daily happenings, including your feelings bad and good, etc, and leave it somewhere, where your boyfriend has access to it.
Hmmm... I'll let my future gf know that would be a great idea if she has a problem communicating with me... Then again, your bf can try to encourage you to talk with him more... BUT that's his end.
Well anyway, if you have problems communicating, you're going to continue to have problems in your relationship until it ends. Aside from the usual counselling, you'll just have to promote talking between you and your bf by hanging out together more, doing things together more, and exploring other parts of your lives more. Sitting at home, watching a movie, going out to the cafe, and walking around the park is fine and dandy, but...
Yes, the journal thing...
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