A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm not even sure if this is a question... I just need to write this out, and maybe get some clarity...Ten years ago, when I was in high school, I was in love with someone. I hung out with her occasionally, but kinda distanced myself, because she was into drugs, and dating around/having sex a lot... I still loved the way I was when I did spend time with her. There was a lot of laughing and good times. Over time, she would only call me when she needed to cry about a boyfriend, or some other horrible problem that would come up in her life.... I would disappear from her life, and we'd eventually talk, and then the process would seem to repeat itself... She kissed this guy in front of my friends and I when we were all hanging out, then told me years later that she liked me during that time... I don't know how that was possible if she was doing that in front of me, but anyway, I digress... Because of that moment, we didn't speak for ten years. Bring us to 2012, technology, Facebook, ect... She found me. She was dating some guy, and he was on his second chance. She promptly dumped him. She told me that she wasn't really trying to be with anyone, but I asked her if she was sure, because she might miss out on a chance with me... She said yes, and we started dating... (P.S.) I'm in the Navy...One of her exes was a friend of mine, and he died while we were in high school. On our first date, before we went out, she wore his ring and asked me to go to the cemetary to pay respects, and it was super awkward...But afterward, we went out and all was great...We went to a concert, but she said that she had to introduce me as a friend to people, and I wasn't about to deal with that, and she slowly told people about me...She was super supportive through my first two underways, but then she got all distant... Her mom said that I texted too much, but I did because she never wanted to talk on the phone... Her mom told me that I can't be looking for reassurance that things are ok, and that I have to be a man... I thought that caring was important.She ignored me for about a week, and finally offered to come visit... Her grandma was sick, so I sent her home early, but when she visited, she was drunk the entire time, so we didn't really have fun. She was here for a day, and basically said she needed to be with her grandma, but was too drunk to do that, or go out and see her friends later...We scheduled another visit... I bought her plane tickets to see her brother for her birthday, then she would connect here, then connect to go home a week later...She never got on the plane here. She said that she had to be home with her sick grandma, and that her mom would fly her home. Her mom never got her a ticket, and she ended up hanging out with an ex boyfriend all night, but she said that nothing happened. I was also mad because I still could have got a refund or a later flight, and she was really inconsiderate. We texted throughout the week after we talked about things, and then she got distant again. All of the sudden she tells me she had some sort of realization, and there's things that she needs to do... I probe a bit, and she's got chlamydia... and we argue over e-mailes (because I'm out to sea at this point) and she said she tried to tell me that she can't be in a relationship, and she shouldn't have let me pay for bills and plane tickets... and she cares, and that's why she tried to make it work... i feel like i got let off the hook because she cheated or something... I don't know what to make of it. I just know that it hurts incredibly, and that even after everything, I still love the woman that she was being in the beginning... but I don't know if that woman was real, or if she cheated, or fell out of love with me... I just don't know... I asked around and she got her own place now, and she seems happy... i sent her a message saying my peace in a nice way, but I have no peace.
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drugs, drunk, facebook, her ex, navy, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think it was... Well, I'm letting I guess whoever sees this in a little bit... she was my home. Every day I feel like there's this crater in me because she hurt me... She said that I treated her well... I keep trying to figure out in my head what made me so horrible that she couldn't be with me after I treated her better than anyone else... It's like... I'd be willing to change things if she would just tell me what bothered her so much... Part of me says move on, but part of me keeps clinging onto this little bit of hope that years from now she'd see that I really am just... crazy about her... I've been engaged, and I've been in love, but I always held something back, and I gave her my whole heart...
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (28 November 2012):
 So she has confirmed that she doesn't want to be in a relationship at the moment. Take note her use of the word 'like' rather than 'love' and continue moving on with your own life.
It really is better to have no contact with her or you'll never move on; otherwise you'll wait for her to be ready to have a relationship, and I fear she will never be ready to have a relationship with YOU.
She's trying to be nice and stop you feeling so hurt, but she's telling you again that it's over. Time to forget her...
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe told me that she had a lot going on and kinda had a breakdown and panicked because she wasn't ready... and that she does like me but she can't be with anyone, because she's trying to fix her life...
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm trying... thank you. It's just hard because I'm kinda piecing stuff together as to what might have happened, and I think I definitely got cheated on... She apparently told my friends that my attempts to text and call her while we were in a long distance relationship made me seem a little obsessive or clingy, but people that were familiar with everything I told you all said she probably was just cheating and trying to create friction... Yet... I still miss her... Was in the process of deleting pictures and found ones of us together and it was hard...
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (22 November 2012):
It's normal to still be thinking of her. Try reading this link:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/you-cant-erase-an-ex-from-your-mind-but-you-can-reduce-their-power-and-keep-pushing-forward/
You'll be ok.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm trying but still, somehow I miss her... I keep just thinking of her at random times, wondering how she's doing...
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (15 November 2012):
It does suck, and nobody can explain it ... probably not even her. People change, feelings change, situations change.
The only thing I can say is that you're not alone. I don't know any adult who hasn't been heartbroken to some extent. It's miserable and horrible, but it does get better and you will move on and you will feel a bit better with time - I guarantee it. Be patient. Take care of yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere were small things that she would do sometimes, like cuddle up next to me, or just come up and hold my hand and hold me tight... and she cried when I left for first underway... but she just... changed when I got home. it sucked... I'm going to try really hard to move on..
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere were small things that she would do sometimes, like cuddle up next to me, or just come up and hold my hand and hold me tight... and she cried when I left for first underway... but she just... changed when I got home. it sucked... I'm going to try really hard to move on..
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (15 November 2012):
At what point was she a good person? She wasn't the first time you met her, and she isn't now? Was it when you started dating after the ten year absence? People can put on their "best behaviour" but I suppose it's hard to keep that up in the long term. I don't know why she was so disrespectful ... maybe that's just her.
You've written a lot about her and none of it is nice. Read it back to yourself when you are feeling very sad, and hopefully you'll eventually realise that it was a flawed relationship and that you deserve better.
I suggest no contact. No more messages, no more looking on Facebook and no asking friends about her. It's finished and time to move on.
I know how painful it is. Try to distract yourself and try not to let yourself dwell on her too much. You will look back on this one day and realise that she wasn't the right one for you, and it's a good thing that it's all over ... It just takes a bit of time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAny female opinions would be awesome too...
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's really hard because we were friends first... You think she would respect me more... :(
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2012): "she said she tried to tell me that she can't be in a relationship"But she DIDN'T tell you she was banging another guy."and she shouldn't have let me pay for bills and plane tickets..."But she DID let you function as her personal ATM."and she cares, and that's why she tried to make it work... "But she DOESN'T care, you're a sucker whom she just wanted to string you along as long as she could to extract money and favors out of you. "i feel like i got let off the hook because she cheated or something... I don't know what to make of it."Sorry, but you got conned and then you got dumped when she had no further use for you. That's what to make of it. "I still love the woman that she was being in the beginning... "She was putting on an act. "but I don't know if that woman was real, or if she cheated, or fell out of love with me... I just don't know..."She was never real and she was never in love with you. By deduction, she was banging (an)other guy(s) behind your back. "i sent her a message saying my peace in a nice way, but I have no peace." Sorry, but you've been used and discarded like a piece of tissue; she's a scheming, conniving, manipulative, heartless little bee-aw-itch (mod alternative: female canine) who played you for a sap and reeled you in hook, line and sinker. She overrode your good judgement and common sense by appealing to your ego and vanity, and she overrode your brains and backbone by appealing directly to your dick. By keeping in contact with her you are just playing into her grubby, greedy little hands. Heartfelt messages from you are lost on a heartless bee-aw-itches (mod alternative: female canines) like her.If there is a counsellor or chaplain on board your ship then you might benefit from talking to him/her.
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