A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am married to a wonderful and caring man and have a good marriage. But when it comes to his female best friend, he becomes her protector and caused stress to our marriage.When I met him 10 years ago, she was already in his life for 10 years prior. So they have this ongoing 20 years of friendship. They dated when she was in her 20's and he was in his 30's. The relastionship lasted 3 years and he broke it off because she gained an enormous amount of weight (70 pounds) and is still struggling with it(she used to be a model in her 20's) and he felt she was not educated and worldy/sophisticated enough. Apparently she was very devastated. They did not talk for a year and after a year, she decided to come back to his life. She said " I know I will never have you the way I want so I rather be your friend and not to loose you." Well, shortly after she came back to his life, she decided to finish her college degree. At the time she was living far away from the college she enrolled in. My husband's mother was living alone and he thought it might be a good idea that she moves in with his mom since the college was close by. Just until she graduates and get her life back together. Well, she has not moved out since (20 years). My husband's house is 5 minutes away from his mother so you get the picture.When I was first introduced to her, even though the arrangement seemed a bit odd to me, I tried to accept her as his best friend. Afterall, his mother referes to her as almost like her daughter. One thing that really annoyed me was her personality. Very abrasive and intrusive. From day one, I felt like I was dating her as well. She would come and go as she pleased and utilized my husband's house as if was hers. Same thing with his mother's house. She would invite us every weekend to hang out with her and at the time she had a boyfriend. Even during weekdays, she would cook dinner at his mom's house and invited us over. Every Sunday morning, she made b'fast and invited us over. She always brought up all my husband's ex-girlfriends and the trips they took in the past togehter. Also bring up their past. After 3 years into our relationship, I finally told him it was enough. I was trying to build our history and future but if she is always part of our lives, I could not built the intimacy and privacy I wanted with him. He understood but did not say anything to her. So she kept on showing up and inviting us for another 2 years.This was getting too much but since I was not married to him at the time and did not know if we were going to get married, I did decline lots of invitations from her but tried not to make a big issue out of it. I thought if we ever get married, she knows when to back off.Well, 6 years into the realtionship, we finally decided to get married. At this point, she broke off with her boyfriend and she was alone, not many friends, and still in our lives. I started to hammer him not to include her too much in our lives. She got hurt when she found this out.Apparently she told my husband not get married before she does. Also when my husband and I got serious, she said to my husband, " I am screwed am I? We are not going to be the same.". My husband's reply was not to worry and that they will be best friends.When we were leaving for our destination wedding, she drove us the airport and she cried hugging my husband.When we returned from our wedding and hosted a local party for our friends, she went out of her way to help us with the reception.Even after we got married, she contined to be around. I started to resent her and struggled to be nice to her. Slowly, I would shut down and not say much to her when she was around. She complained to my husband that I am not nice to her and that she has been nothing but nice to me. She even cried couple of times as she was hurt by my actions. Now at this point, I am occassionally suffering from stomach aches because of the stress from this. She slowed down on inviting us on the weekends to hang out as once we got married but she kept on calling at nights or weekends to ask him a silly questions just so she can have a conversation with him.One time when I had a huge fight with my husband about jobs, she got involved. She sided with me and said she will alway be my friend. The jobs I was getting offered were from out of state and she encourged me to move out of state and commute back and forth. She then went on and talked about how I won. No other women in his life were able to marry him. Now, I did not even trigger this conversation and she kept on going.Now, I am just trying to keep peace since she is my husband's best friend and like a daughter to his mom.However a year ago, her actions caused me to have a melt down. She joined our gym. I used to work out with my husband every morning. By now she knows that I do not care for her. She even suggested car pooling every morning. I was starting to finally feel that we have our privacy and there she is again.I was going to have a talk with her but instead my husband wanted to talk to her to draw a line. She turned this whole thing around and accused us of being selfish and heartless. My moodiness is like dealing with a child and that she did not deserved to be treated this way since she has been nothing but nice to me. She said she is done with this high school drama and too tired to deal with as she is getting old so she said good bye to us. I felt finally she is gone.But my husband was so hurt by this that he hurt an innocent friend who has been nothing but nice and supportive to him. He then got very upset with me.I did not apologize to her nor agreed to his opinion. To make matter worse, she got his mother involved and the mother lectured me saying that this girl comes from a broken home and she does not have anyone in her life so I should be generous.We compromised and decided on when she would be included in our lives. I gave up the gym, told my husband that on major holidays and family gatherings I would be nice to her. But told him specifically that I do not want to be included in her birthday celebrations. Afterall she is his best friend. I never stopped him from socializing with her. Often time I encouraged him to go out with her. Now they spend every morning working out. Sometimes on the weekends, she is too lazy to go grocery shopping so she emails him the list of things and tampons were one of the items. She emails him almost everyday and calls him occasionally on his mobile phone but not to our home line anymore.Her birthday was last month and to my surprise, my husband threw her a party and much to my surprise, he assumed that I was attending. The day of the birthday, I got sick to my stomach so I did not go. Sent her an email to save my husband's face but he was upset. He even said noone at the table believed that I was sick. He was embarrased by my action. I told him that he did not follow our agreement and that we need to have the events in writing so there won't be any confusions. I listed all the events but he wanted me to cross out one of the family event and put down her birthday. I did not. He admits that she has been intrusive but it was a innocent cluless mistakes on her part. She is a kind of person who records sopaoperas and watches them every night. Innocent and cludless??? This is where we are.Now there is abosolute no sexuall tensions between them. They do act like brother and sister and best friends around each other. To me she is an emotional mistress. I trust my husband completely. I married him because I know he will never cheat on me and will be always honest. His weakness is that he is too nice and too protective. His is like this to everyone.Now, you women out there, how would you feel if you were me and how would you deal with this situation?Men, would you still keep the friendship?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): Are you serious. I am in shock as I am reading this. Best friends are you kidding me, their is no way in hell that two people who once dated can even be friends. If I was you I would get this bitch out of yours and your husbands life. I can't believe you tolerated having her around. If I was you I would be careful, don't be so naive because I would be surprised if they were or are having sex.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your suggestions and thoughts. I am encouraged by all of you.
Just an update, she starting online dating a few weeks ago. Not sure if she has met anyone at this moment. She did the online dating thing two years ago but did not work for her. She really does not have any other good friends. Just co workers to hang out once in a great while.
She also said she will move out last month to my husband and that she has been looking for a place but nothing has happened. I have been dragged to houses and apartments hunting in the past. She always had excuses why she did not move forward. Money issue. Yes, she spends too much.
My husband's mom is facing dementia for a year or so. Her and his mother always fight.
Looks like I have to stay strog here for a while. If I confront her, she will definately make me look like the crazy,jealous type and will manipulate my husband and anyone who would listen and side with her. I can't seem to win either way.
She is not going anywhere.
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A
female
reader, syrop  +, writes (3 November 2010):
well maybe your husband do not have any wrong intention. But the girl, MOST probably, according to me is trying to get the attention of your husband and his mum. she might want them to believe that she is better than you and in fact she is pretending to be a better house wife than You. You better be cautious. you can also try to talk to her asking what she wants and can ask to stop all these enacts. if she DOES NOT, that means she wants to take Your place. Yes!!! she might want to be the wife of your husband. You can do things that would bring out her true face only when you are confirmed that she really want to snatch your husband. and do things that prove you a better housewife. Gud luk
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): Whew, long story (w/ a long answer) but I hope you receive more answers than just two. I'm very curious of what others would do also. I've experienced something similar although I was younger and not married. My partner at the time and this woman were both over a decade older than myself so that changes the dynamic quite a bit from what your going through but they both boil down to a power sruggle in my opinion. She's fighting to keep herself involved and keep him in her life. It's not likely your husband is enjoying having to chose and he may be struggling with where to draw the line with the both of you. And then there is you in your position. I can totally see your point about wanting her gone. I wouldn't want some woman who holds a flame (a torch) for my man hanging around either. And no amount of "buddy buddy" bullshit and "we're just friends" would ever get me to relax. Call me clinicly insecure but I would be chapped but you sound pretty confident with yourself. And I would like to point out that you said yourself he treats her platonicly and you're not affraid of what I was affraid of, which is a full blown affair. So in your opinion your husband would never leave you for her so then whats the problem? If she's no threat then spare your husband the guilt of hurting her and take the opportunity do it yourself. Cruel and immature but you have no choice but to deal with it or you could be looking at a bigger problem when everyones mad at you for making her leave. So if I were you, I would apologize to her by saying, "I apologize for my irration jealousy of you, compromising my better judgement enough to see you as a threat to my marraige. If you're willing to just cling on to the edges of his life just for the sake of being in it at all, then thats you being pathetic, not me." But if you're going to stay on your current route, you husband will resent you for it greatly. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, mselu08 +, writes (3 November 2010):
Wow. I am completely dumbfounded. I am so sorry you have to go through this. When I was dating my fiance, I had a best guy friend who professed his love for me. I had no feelings for my friend, but out of respect for my fiance, I cut off all contact with my friend. Your husband clearly has no feelings for her, but he knows that she is in love with him. Out of respect for you, he should distance himself from her. Your marriage is much more important than this silly friendship. My fiance had a female friend in the beginning of our relationship. She would call him for every little thing. She even talked to him an hour about her low sex drive and period problems when she found out I was having hormone related problems. I would get so angry, but he acted oblivious to why I was upset about her. Men can be so ignorant. I know if your husband was in your shoes, he would be very upset. And you have every single right to be. You shouldn't have to share your husband, and that's exactly what you are having to do. She is manipulating everyone around her to believe she is "clueless and innocent" but she knows exactly what she is doing. Bottom line is, YOU COME FIRST. If your husband is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, than he should stop whether he understands it or not. I think if I were you, I would go talk to a professional. I would ask them how to affectively explain to your husband how badly this situation is bothering you. And if he still doesn't respond, consider removing yourself from the situation. You can live the second half of your life without stomachaches.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): I'm younger than you but jeez...Firstly, let me applaud you for how well you are dealing with this (I would be having more than stomach ailments with a woman like THAT in my life). She needs to grow up. High school drama?? SHE's the drama queen. I feel like she's going out of her way for all the wrong reasons and she doesn't know what she wants. She acts like a child and expects you and your husband to welcome this..I think your husband is being too nice, to be honest. Yes, a best friend is one thing, an important person. But you're his other half. so he SHOULD be siding with and listening to you MORE than her. Like tennisstar said, she definitely needs a boyfriend. I mean this is ridiculous. She is not innocent and clueless. In fact, perhaps she has a conniving nature...I guess he (your husband) does not see this as clearly as you, because he is so used to her, and probably doesn't know how she is towards others. It doesn't feel to me like she's a threat...just a major annoyance. Hopefully this won't drag on and you WILL reach some type of compromise. I suggest you have a talk with them both. And don't listen to his mother too much, she is obviously biased because the woman has been living with her for so long.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): Whow, what a manipulator. She has had your husband and his mum under her control gor years and looks like she has met her nemesis. Even if she was his sister, her behaviour is unacceptable. Its unfortunate that you did not act sooner and avoid many years of misery. Yes, you need to clearly define your boundaries to your husband and stick to your guns. She should not be able to part take in the conversation ...what I mean is, tell your husband that the agreement is between you guys, that you know she won't be happy but there is no negotiation of flapping to her tears to be done. Tell him if you can reduce this stress in your marriage, everything will be smoothly and perhaps offer the olive branch of a possibility in a few years time you could see her as a friend if she can control her manipulative ways. Also, it sounds like she never got over their split....softly suggest he is doing her a favour be reducing contact so that she can get on with her own life and stop meddling in his. If only you could encourage his mum to kick her out...hopefully if your husband learns not to be manipulated by her she'll leave of her own accord. If things are still bad, you may need to look at conselling as this is an unhealthy situation.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (3 November 2010):
 What do you owe her? Nothing. Yeah, she's been nice to you and went out of her way, you repaid the favor...Personally, it seems like she's an unwanted sister or a second wife. She needs a boyfriend, a career, dog, and some hobbies to occupy her time. Now my best friend is a male, but nowhere is he like this..so in my life as much as my husband. There's a time when enough is enough. However, you did know about her from the get go and how she uses everyone around her as an emotional crutch.
I would have a woman to woman talk with her. Tell her you understand she's your husband's best friend, but she doesn't have to be in your business and up both your rears 24-7..she needs to get her own life instead of being a part of yours. Tell her to back off. Then I would turn around and have a talk with your husband and let him know that this has been bothering you over the years that it has to stop interfering with your marriage. It's come down to him picking her over you, when it's supposed to be the other way around. That you're not trying to tell him to blow off her friendship but limit it. She is overstepping her boundaries.
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