A
female
age
36-40,
*ethanymay
writes:I really need help, I don't know what I'm supposed to do.I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years, and I know he loves me more than anything in the world. He's the most wonderful person and I trust him completely.He's the first person I've slept with, I always wanted to wait and be in love because it's a big deal to me. I've always known he's had a very different past to me, and before he met me he slept around a lot. I know if he didn't do what he'd done in his past he wouldn't be the man I love today but I can't explain the pain I feel when I think about it.I've talked to him about it but he doesn't understand because he was brought up so differently for me. It just hurts SO much when I think about him with all those women, and I don't know how to stop the pain.I have no doubt we'll stay together forever, I just don't know how I can stand this hurt forever.Will it get easier? What can I do to stop it hurting?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008): I think you have a right to be bothered by this. Bothered a lot. You've made sacrifices for him (which probably help HIM rest much easier) that he has not made for you. No wonder you're hurt about it. I don't think the "makes them who they are" reasoning is worth much. It never consoled me any. Getting mauled in the face by a wild animal might also help "make me who am" (mentally as well as physically) but that doesn't mean it was anything good for me in any way whatsoever. It doesn't mean the experience is worth respecting as a necessary part of my life to make me who I am. I don't agree with the idea that people learn anything from loose sex. We learn from relationships, not sex. Maybe having loose sex teaches a person something one or two times. After that it's just racking up partners for fun. There is no way to make this hurt about your partner go away. None that I've ever found. The only way it is TRULY REMOVED from your life is by never having it happen. You do that by making a guy's past a prerequisite for dating him. It's not being judgmental. You're not telling people with long histories that you think they're bad human beings. You're just making a choice about what kind of partner that YOU personally want to be with, and you have a right to it.Then just pray your guy doesn't do what tons of women do: Lie to you about their past long enough to get you seriously involved with them, and then spill it much later once you can't back out. This is the worst situation of all. (And most of the crowd feels YOU are the problem here!)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008): Oh Honey, I feel your pain. Just last night I was stupid and asked for more details about my loving fiance's past. It hurt her that I brought it up again. The new details haunted me for the rest of the night. Now I am a zombie at work becuase I have had no sleep.She loves me so dearly, yet I can't let her past go. Its what makes her who she is, but I just can't see her living the way she did.It's called retroactive jealousy. It eats away at your heart day in and day out. You want to be happy, but its always there pulling you back down to depressive state.I am so sorry you have to go through this. I was like you. I was saving myself for someone special. I almost wished I hadn't. Maybe then I could let this go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008): hey,u should try to stop worrying so much about this..i understand it's hard for u,but try not to think about it..if u love him,and he loves u then there's no point in worrying about his past..the most important fact right now is that he is with u and u have a loving relationship..good luck in everything u'll do..
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (17 September 2008):
 Bethany my luv...
... you must forget it or get used to it.
Easier said than done - you say, I know, but are you willing to lose this man - you love so dearly - for not doing anything wrong in your relationship?? He is, after all innocent here, and your not being fair on him or yourself.
You're torturing yourself honey. You will hurt for the rest of your life all because you can't come to terms with his past.
He loves you, and you trust him completely, and if you want to be with him 'forever' then accept the fact that he had a life before you.
If you carry on feeling this way, you will put pressure on your relationship and he'll eventually walk, he can sense you're upset about his past, and in a way you're giving off signs that you don't trust him, and believe me Bethany, men don't like to think they're not trusted.
Just keep saying to yourself, "He's with me now, he makes love to me now, no one else, and he will always have sex with me, because it's me he loves and it's me he enjoys".
Come to terms with it or beat yourself up about it, the choice is yours.
So now, be happy and be strong and just enjoy your loving relationship with him.
Take good care of yourself hon.
BigSis
xXx
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (17 September 2008):
It will only get easier if you try to stop thinking about it, and think about something else instead.
He can't change his past, so you can't let yourself get upset about it.
People can't all be virgins when you meet them. I know my hubbie was engaged once before, and I don't like the thought of him loving someone else or having sex with girls, but I don't know the details and don't want to and just don't think about it.
He's with me now and it's brilliant.
Good Luck!! xx
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