A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How do you get rid of a first love who keeps coming back?I know I'm going to sound like a nasty, selfish person - but obviously I'm not nasty and selfish enough - as I still can't seem to shake my first love off.The thing is - we (I'll call him D) started dating at Uni - about 20 years ago - we were on and off for about 10 years and then we drifted apart. We live quite a way from each other.Since we split up, I have since moved house without telling D and I have been involved with a couple of other guys but am currently single with no desire to get back with my first love.The thing is - in the mean time - this guy D - still managed to find out my new address and phone number and tracked me down by a mutual friend. He often wants to meet up 'as friends' for a meal or drink and then says it's too late for him to drive home (although I only ever offer him the spare room as I told him I don't want anything happening)!!I don't mind keeping in touch with D by phone or text as old friends do, as he does mean well, but it is getting to the point where he is annoying me by wanting to call round every now and then. He tells me if I was dating someone else he wouldn't keep in touch and would leave me to it - but I don't see why I should have to get a boyfriend just to make it clear to him that I am no longer interested!! So he just assumes he can call round whenever and 'still be friends'.The question is - without being really rude to him and telling him he is annoying me - how do I get the message across that I really don't want to keep in touch with him anymore? I have tried not answering my phone - but then he just turns up unannounced at the door sometimes.To be clear - he is NOT a stalker so I don't want an injunction or anything - as he does go away if I tell him I'm busy - but it's just I'm always having to think up new excuses!!Any advice?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 June 2015):
 He might have gotten the message, but when YOU don't actually SAY it, he keeps pushing the boundaries pretending to be oblivious... OR.. he is a bit dense..
Either way, your hints haven't worked time for some honesty.
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (9 June 2015):
 I agree with Honeypie. He doesn't get the hints and he believes the excuses, so he isn't hearing any of them for what they are. He's hearing "I'm busy" and taking that at face value, not reading into it and realizing what you mean is "I don't want you in my life anymore."
You are a grown woman and he is a grown man. It's time to be direct and ASK for what you want - in this case, that he stop contacting you and turning up on your doorstep uninvited, which by the way is just plain creepy. You are absolutely right to put the brakes on that!
You don't need to START with an injunction, but you should be prepared to follow up with one if you tell him to leave you alone and he proves incapable of doing that.
Good luck and best wishes!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHa - thanks Honeypie! I know I need to be tougher with him - but we have been friends a long time - so that's why I find it hard!
You would think he would get the message eventually - but obviously not!! :-/
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 June 2015):
Obviously, he sees your hesitation to telling him to go suck an egg, and leave you be as an opening. An opening HE can exploit maybe for some casual sex. I say that because of his lame attempts at "sleeping over".
You are TRYING to be nice and polite because THAT is what you have been taught all your life, but sometimes you NEED to STOP being nice and JUST being honest.
I would FIRST of all, tell your mutual friend to NOT give out your PERSONAL details, because THAT is not OK. I' be pissed off if a friend did that to me. If someone wants in contact with you... and they ask this mutual friend, the mutual friend can FORWARD their details leaving it UP to you to contact them OR not....
Second of all, I'd call this guy up and tell him: "LISTEN Buddy, I don't want to pal around, I don't want sex from you, I don't want you to show up at my house unannounced. I don't SEE you as a close friend, you are a blast from the past, and besides the once in a blue moon phone-call I don't see the point in keeping much in touch. I have tried to be polite in hopes that you would take the hint, but you haven't so now you know."
Now FEEL free to word it with your OWN words, but you NEED to do this, because the poor fella is NOT a mind-reader and isn't at all understanding you trying to be polite and subtle. Or he is the kind of guy who think persistence will pay off, that no, means yes if he JUST keeps pushing it... Either way - talk to him and BE honest.
Come on, Lady... you can do it.
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