A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a gay female, I am not "super frilly or girly" but I am feminine and am attracted to the same in women. Im not the stereotypical gay female, I'm not into the gay scene due to not so good experiences in the past with nasty women. I know not all women are like this, I have come across nice women in the past! but im a little burnt now. I am not out to all and so have zero support in my life. I have no one, my friends are straight, and im only out to a few, if I told ne in particular shed never speak to me again, she super traditional.I have a coupe of lesbian aquaintances I see once every 10-12 months so they are super busy with their own life.Im friendly one to one and in small groups, and a kind person, I have something to offer too, but am quieter and big groups with loud people are not my thing, way too intimidating.Ive dated casually a few times over the years but never been in a serious r/shop, I have never had a women tell me they love and no one has ever told me I am attractive, opposite "im looking for .... type of person". Ive never even been given flowers, such a simple thing.The last woman I dated,a few yrs ago got a smll bunch of flowers from me and she didn't appreciate them, leaving me very hurt, guess that was my fault, not all like flowers..I feel unwanted, discarded by my own "people" and totally unattractive.Im slim buld and average looking, can look ok at times, am slightly unusual looking. Im not totally "ugly" (noone is ugly we all have something) but am no supermodel or hot chick either,)plus Im in my 40s and feel like im ready for the scrapheap, most women are partnered up at my age and have their own friends. I have no kids, my choice. How can I deal with being so unloved I have zero support, I feel totally isolated, groups have never worked out for me in the past, but maybe I need to try again, I just fear being rejected again..I feel like I've missed out on much, I am not "desperate" and will not date just anyone! Im not that bad yet! I haven't given up, I have tried online dating, that's how I met my acquaintances.Advice?thankyou
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): This is the 'rude anon', who mentioned college degree. Sorry you took it the wrong way. What I meant is, I know a lot of my friends are 40's now and seeking out different career paths. All I meant is that may be an option if you'd like to pursue a different avenue, because it is never too late to try something new, but since you've said you are happy in your career then that's not an option. I did not intend for you to assume I meant you needed education and I did not even imagine having it taken that way when I posted my comment.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): Dear poster,I'm neither the female anon who suggested you get a college degree nor do I know who she is. But I've read your response to her and I felt compelled to add my two cents if I may.I think she meant aspire for something challenging and new beyond that which you have already. A college degree was an example I believe. You could have replaced 'college degree' with karate class or paragliding and the message would have been the same.Will this solve finding a partner? Maybe, maybe not. But, it will increase your confidence since as you say, you "feel unwanted, discarded by my own "people" and totally unattractive." Also, it will have the added benefit of increasing your potential dating pool. I'd suggest you take up activities that you knew. Focus on making friends. Invite people for lunch at your house or suggest you go to the cinema with a couple of people that you meet. This again will feed into your confidence and you never know who has a friend /niece / cousin/ who's looking for a girlfriend.You are in a tough situation, but it would do wonders if you opened up to the world a little and not be so quick to take offense. You will be pleasantly surprised at how loving people can be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): this is the poster
excuse me to the very rude anon person who said I need education.
who are you to say this?? Im an educated professional with a college degree, I work successfully, I am not sitting at home
without a job!
you are rude poster, do not assume I am an uneducated ignorant person.
I have no money or desire to return to college, I am happy in my current employment thankyou!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): I'd suggest maybe joining some groups or doing a college degree, getting out of the rut you are in. Don't rely on other people to make you happy, make yourself happy first and once people see how confident and happy you are they will be attracted to you. You may never find that one true love and that is a fact for both gay and straight, but we can be loved in other ways, by friends who care about us.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 February 2014):
 So my gay friends are active in sports clubs, like softball and tennis, which does not sound like the bar scene at all. They are active also in horseback riding, hiking, climbing, cooking, dining out, cruises, raising dogs, rescuing animals, charity work, etc.
I'm older than you, so are my gay friends, they are in their 50s. Some are single, though most are paired now.
With all due respect, this is the chicken and the egg problem. You feel alone because you have no friends. You have no friends because you feel alone.
If you want things to change, you will have to reach out and make new friends. You are an introvert and don't like big crowds and feel uncomfortable in group settings, which makes it more difficult.
But if you are so unhappy and feel alone, you will have to make some changes which will put you out of your comfort zone, no?
You are young by my standard and have your whole life ahead of you.
Have you ever considered trying a group like Toastmasters to get you out of your shell and give you more confidence?
Find the liveliest and most social person you know and share your dilemma with her or him and ask for help.
Reach out, that's what you have to do. Staying home and feeling isolated will only result in you feeling more and more isolated! It's a vicious circle.
Go be brave. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): this is the poster@Tisha-1 the gay scene is where gays and lesbians hang out, mainly bars or clubs (which im not into,many reasons, as why any person gay or straight doesnt like bars,)anyplace gay ppl can be themselves, can be part of the scene its not a good word to use.I want to be part of "the world", not just the "gay world" though of couse I want to be part of that too! its not easy, I cant just walk into a club alone, I would look odd, plus im in my 40s and many bars/venues where I live are for 20 somethings.Id be the old lady there, have tried that!its not "A"!!The problem I have had in the past, is that at times gay people don't accept me, as I said im femme and ppl assume Im A: Im bi (nothing wrong with being bi but Im not)B: am straight and "looking"C: am attracted to butch/masculine looking girls, no offence intended, but im notD: im quieter and ppl often don't bother trying to talk to me, despite me trying in the past.guess ill have to try somehow, but its so hard, I know I need to get out there again, but its very hard when you have none to support you! I have to stress I have no one, no group of lesbian friends to hang wit, no gay guy friends for support, (I wish I had this) and no family nearby to help.guess ill have to try again. Its not easy at my age but im not giving up, im sick of being unloved and rejected.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 February 2014):
You are in your 40s, when are you going to start living your life with friends who support you?
It's way past time to 'come out'--if you lose a super-traditional friend in the process, well, that's her loss, she wasn't a true friend.
If you feel isolated and alone, you put yourself there.
I have gay friends, we hang out, I'm not sure what the 'gay scene' means, is it where people act all gay and get hyper giggly about being gay? Or does it mean a place where people who are gay get to just relax and be themselves? If it is (a) then definitely avoid the 'gay scene.' But if it is (b) then why are you avoiding it?
You feel unwanted and discarded by your own "people" because you don't want to be identified as gay by anyone. You've excluded yourself from your own "people."
I have lots of friends who are gay. One is still sort of in the closet in the community because she's concerned about her professional relationship. However, she is out to her friends and her family. Other gay friends are married and happy and out in the world, doing their jobs and enjoying their friends.
You can't live a fulfilling life if you are hiding you from the world.
You are in your 40s.
When do you get to be the real you to the people you call friends?
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