A
male
age
41-50,
*ha_UK
writes:I'm struggling here.I'm married for 9 years, 2 kids, together just for the sake of the kids, no real love or passion any more.Problem - work colleague (married also). I had the hots for her, a couple of works nights out where we were close (holding hands, cuddle when leaving, nothing to think twice about after a couple of beers), but she has been pretty seriously on my mind for weeks. On a particular recent works night out, 3am, everyone else gone to bed, she is still there with me, she asks me if there is an awkwardness between us. Turns out she has been avoiding me as she has feelings for me too, to the point where she tried to get out of going to this night because she was worried about where it might lead.We go back to room, nothing heavy, just kissing, cuddling and a lot of talk about our feelings, fall asleep etc, she leaves my room at 7, we meet again at 8 for breakfast and we head to meeting.Lots of text messages later, she has told me she needs to make her marriage work, but can't turn off her feelings for me and needs some space. I'm gutted, not eating, crying at times even and it's been noticed that i'm quiet at home. What can I do? If she had said nothing, I would have carried on fancying her but not giving it extra thought. This night has screwed me right up, and all because she bought up her feelings and now it feels like she has used me.Can anyone offer advice? Should I leave her be to work out what she wants, or should i try and fight my corner?I have never felt about anybody like I feel about her, and this night has just confirmed my feelings, and now I don't know where to turn!Help!!
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male
reader, Pha_UK +, writes (14 November 2008):
Pha_UK is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf only things were that simple. I appreciate about what you say if the boot was on the other foot, but i really don't think it would bother me.A lot changes over time, and lifes too short. I've never felt like this about anyone(including my wife), which is what is making it so difficult. Vows or not, my life as it is will go nowhere!
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (14 November 2008):
 After taking vows, it's up to you to hold up your end of the bargain. If there isn't any passion, then you should be home sorting that out with your wife. Holding hands with another women IS "something to think twice about"! What do YOU think of men who hold hands with women who aren't their wife? Normal behavior? Type of guy that you'd like to be? Well, that's the kind of guy that you have become! Here's what I don't understand, why are you out drinking with work colleagues until 3 am? You are there on business, as your wife expects, not monkey business!!! You should be back in your room after dinner and a drink, not staying out till 3 am when you have a wife and kids at home. Your problem is that you are acting like you are single, and you are not. You need to stop making excuses for why your marriage is failing and start taking responsibility for your part of the blame in winding up where you have gotten. There are loads and loads of attractive people out there, and plenty of potential partners, so using this attraction a the reason why you have strayed is just a lame excuse. You didn't set any boundaries for you own behavior and this is where it's gotten you. "Talking about your feelings" and sleeping on the same bed with someone other than your wife is breaking your vows. Perhaps you have ignored your wife's feelings for long enough that she is doing the same thing behind your back with some guy and that's why she isn't putting anything into your marriage either? Ya, doesn't feel too good to think that the shoe could be on the other foot, Does it? Imagine if she knew, it would be a knife through her heart! The only kind of man to be is a stand up man who loves his wife and kids. You did get married, and you have kids, so what exactly are you doing??? I'm sorry if you expected sympathy, but you made all the decisions that lead you here, and what you do next will affect not only yourself, but three people who love and depend on you. Quite frankly, your actions from here on in will also define your character in your children's eyes forever. If you want to do what's best for your kids, love their Mother, as you have vowed. Everything else is just smoke and mirrors and if you keep on this path, there will be ANOTHER woman who you can't stop thinking about, and ANOTHER, because you went there. That's just a quick fix for what you really are missing out on, being close again with your wife, like you were when you decided to spend your life with her. I'm assuming you wanted honest opinions, and that's my 2 cents worth, and if it gave you pause for reflection, I'm glad. Good Luck.
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