A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can someone shed some light on this? My ex dumped me just before Christmas after a 3 month relationship. We had been extremely close friends for 9 months (I helped him get over his ex-fiancee who had been lying and cheating on him) but we waited until he was (seemingly) ready for another relationship before we got involved (about 3 months after his previous relationship). He was the loveliest man I ever met but immediately after we had sex for the first time he started ignoring me (the following is not an excuse but a consideration; he has a brain injury which means his social skills are very, very blunt, he finds it very difficult to be direct in asking for what he wants, and he forgets things). He wouldn’t even look at me or speak to me when we were out sometimes, not even hold my hand. The last time we saw each other didn’t go well - we went out to dinner with his friends and I had a lot on my mind (I was having a flashback to the time I was assaulted and also worrying about my relatives; my auntie was gravely ill having lost several pints of blood and my uncle was given a month to live). He doesn’t know about any of this and he didnt ask so I didn't tell him. I think he just thought I was being a bitch and he was taking it personally. Anyway, he was deeply hurt by his ex who, at the end of the relationship, would only spare 20 minutes of her day to see him and I think he felt that history was repeating itself because when I left that evening I said I couldn’t see him for a couple of nights because I was going out to parties. I didn’t say they were staff parties so I figured he thought I didn’t want him around. Alot of his behaviour seems to be a self-defence mechanism. The person that dumped me seemed to be doing everything he could to make me hate him and I don’t know why, but the minute he dumped me he was looking at me again and telling me he really liked me and that he hoped I didn’t hate him!!! I told him I don’t do friends with exs but the following week he wanted me to go to the cinema with him. I declined. Then 2 weeks later he tried again to get me to go to the cinema with him. Again, I said I couldn’t make it. Anyway, he turned up on the doorstep 3 weeks later (Weds) for a chat. He said he had no social life; I told him to go out with his best mate. He asked me if I was seeing anyone and I said I had a few dates coming up. I then asked him the same. He then said he met a younger girl he was interested in. He said they talked all evening at their staff outing (felt that was a bit of a dig at me given what happened before but I am hyper sensitive), saying how amazing she was, but he then said he preferred older women. (I am older than him). He had asked his best mate whether he should pursue her. He also said he had an older woman after him. I just told him to go for it if that is what he wanted, but I wonder why he was telling me all this? he is not used to be treated well by girls and doesn’t know how to handle it. He has always gone for the wrong ones. Anyway, to my suprise he phoned me up this evening to see if I wanted to go out with him and his best mate and his girlfriend but doesn’t that strike you as a double date and why has he not asked this younger girl out? I said no because I did have a prior engagement and he said when can I see you next?!?! He seems to be getting persistent, but I don’t know why. I have never been dumped before and I have never had an ex want to see me afterwards too so I don’t know what to do or even how to be around him.Be assured: I will not accept second best from him or anyone!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (5 February 2007):
 Hi,
Like you say, if he really has these women after him. Why is he bothering you. He sounds very immature to me.
Im not sure he knows what he want's, until its out of reach maybe.
I think you are doing the right thing in telling him your busy, and maybe you should stay busy.
It could be that his ex has had to suffer all this, and thats why she behaved that way towards him. After all, you only have his side dont you?.
If he really liked you and was an adult about it. Wouldn't he be trying to get you back normally, instead of trying to make you jealous.
Think about it, do you really want to put yourself through all this.
A
female
reader, Altindie  +, writes (5 February 2007):
 Now he's let you go he wants what he can't have. If he says he no longer has a social life since you broke up he's getting desperate to win you back because you're the only 'social life' he knows. Tell him to get out more if you're absolutely sure you shouldn't take him back, and I'm sure it wouldn't be a smart move to take him back myself.
Maybe you can offer yourself as a supportive friend now you're no longer together, and I think you're capable of that because you are resolute not to accept second best as you say. But sadly, once a couple have had sex, you never look at a person the same way ever again. I'm afraid he'll always see you as a potential partner now.
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