A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So here is my problem, plain and clear: My boyfriend makes no god damn sense. I am 22 years old. I am in University for engineering with a 4.0 GPA. I work out 5-6 days a week and I weigh 125 pounds, I am in top notch shape. I keep every part of my body meticulously groomed. I am always looking my best for him, all of the time. I enjoy playing video games with him, and I am up for anything in bed, I am about as frisky as they come. We watch porn together and I help him work on his car. It doesn't bother me when he checks out other girls because I know he loves me and I know I am much better looking than anyone he could get. I get hit on by other guys every time I leave the house and I always politely turn them down. Why? Because I love him. Up until now, we have had a great relationship. We laugh and talk and make love and buy each other presents and go out etc. etc. I thought everything was fine. Anyway turns out he has been cheating on me for the past 5 months with this overweight chick from his work. This girl smells like B.O. whenever I go in to see him at work, she is quiet and she is fat. She doesn't keep her hair neat or wear make up. She's ugly. I would never ever ever ever ever have imagined that he would have fallen for her. He's the kind of guy who likes girls in Maxim and Playboy etc. The kind of girls that I look like. I am flabbergasted and amazed and confused and angry all at the same time.Our personalities mesh so well together, and we have such intellectually stimulating conversations, as well as mind blowing animalistic sex. What the hell was he missing? We've been together for 3 years. What the...Anyway I found out because I went to surprise him and pick him up from work on our 3 year anniversary and I snuck in the back (he usually closes the store on his own and I was going to give him a quickie) and saw them kissing and holding hands. I left. I didn't mention it until a few days later, I asked very casually "why were you late picking me up for our anniversary" to see what BS excuse he would come up with. He was very smooth, said he wanted to make sure he was dressed well, smelt nice, etc. So that he went home to shower before picking me up. HAH.I got a confession out of him... he told me a bit of the story. I asked if they had sex yet and he said yes, they have, that they have had it a few times a week for 5 months now!!!! I don't know how to deal with this. I have never been cheated on, never imagined that anyone would cheat on me. My self esteem feels shattered and I keep trying to convince myself that I am intelligent, beautiful, etc. so that I don't go nuts.I feel as if I am going insane anyway.I never saw this coming! I guess I am surprised by his choice! He is a hunk of a man, very good shape, gorgeous eyes, very charismatic. He could get any. Damn. Girl. He. Wants. And he chose... her??? What? Why not at least upgrade- find a girl with bigger breasts or a bigger brain than I do, something, some one with SOMETHING to offer him that I cannot give him. This girl is a loser. I feel like a loser now.I don't know whether to forgive him or not. He said he was sorry. He said he didn't know why it happened, that they just had a connection. Well. I like to think I have too much self-respect to let someone walk all over me. But now I am confused because I always thought we'd be together forever. I love him. But he's looking for something I apparently cannot offer him. I help him through his problems, financial, emotional and family. I love him with all of my heart and have devoted the last 3 years of my life to him, and I have never been unfaithful though I have had plenty of chances. I feel used and abused and I feel hurt.
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female
reader, nikkij  +, writes (21 December 2007):
 Wow. Honey, I know just what you are going through because my boyfriend of two years did the same to me. I don't think you are vain. I was everything that my bf's slut wasn't. I was the beautiful, intelligent, willing to do anything for him girl...I don't says these things out of resentment or bitterness either...I too said the exact same words as you
"Why not at least upgrade- find a girl with bigger breasts or a bigger brain than I do, something, some one with SOMETHING to offer him that I cannot give him. This girl is a loser."
I still don't understand what I did. People might say that it is because I am too vein and he felt like I was too good for him, but he was just as intelligent, talented, and attractive (more so) than me...
And he threw it all away for what...this girl wasn't good for him...she has nothing to offer, but he is still with her after all of this...so I guess if that's what he wants then he can settle.
Everyone tells me to move on or find someone better...but I can't...not yet at least.
A
male
reader, leonard j, Douglas  +, writes (20 December 2007):
Someone once said that if you put hair around a hole in a wooden fence, that there would be some man to use it for his sexual gratification. You would do well to read some books by your own gender,as you'll need to better understand male/female sexuality,when it comes male love/lust. If you see that it is worth while to continue in the relationship,do so.But just remember his infidelity,the physical act, and your Mental infidelity, the good Lord says that they are one and the same. Have a nice Christmas.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): I have a different view from some of the other answers here.
Firstly sweetheart, I CAN RELATE. Exactly the same feelings when my husband cheated with a friend, who was fat, unattractive, common as muck and thick. I, like you never saw it coming. Thought my relationship was solid and secure. My first instinct was "It's not like you chose a better model!" I felt insulted - still do.
What I have discovered, which sounds a possiblity for your situation, is the possible reasons why. When someone betrays you as your man and many do, your biggest hurdle after the shock is to try to work out what happened and why. I think we can deal with the truth about things if we know what it is. You have had the biggest slap in the face from a man you thought loved you as much as you he.
The why: My husband was sorry, didn't mean to do it, it 'sort of' just happened. Well what happened is that he was feeling very selfabsorbed about his acheivments, his mates were all being scumbags and sex was the topic of conversation, thinking they were all superstuds, she had made it perfectly clear that she was available and into him, he said he didn't think much of her but felt comfortable with her. And he wanted to do something risky, dangerous and grubby. He wanted to escape from his reality.
The marriage guidance we have taken calls it 'a detour!".
I beleive my situation was a self esteem issue. Problem is in fixing that to have a healthy relationship as now, his self esteem in being caught out has tumbled further. You man will, if he truly cares about your relationship, start to become a bit reflective about what he has done.
Try at this stage to focus on yourself and how you now feel about him. Others are saying that you are vain, bullshit, your saying you don't understand what went wrong and if like me, this was your competition for his attentions, it sucks. I was a million times more everything than my mans slut. But thats apparently what was required, a slut and someone he knew was available to him. There was no challenge and he got a twisted ego trip in f...ing her. My favourite come back line was I thought he had more class! I understand and your going through the normal feelings about yourself and self esteem shattering emotions.
People need to understand that when someone does this to you, you naturally look at yourself and how attractive or desirable you are to the one who cheats. By default and even though we all know it is not about the innocent party, the repercussion on us are devastatingly and self reflective. Thats not vanity it has blowen her confidence.
Because you are the one who needs to forgive him, it tends to betray your own personal standards of how you are prepared to be treated. Again this is all normal. It gets easier when you get over the shock.
Darling, my advice to you is to see if he has more to share in relation to the Why... But everyone is right in saying that this is not about you. Equally, if I have learnt anything from my experiance is that as I still want my marriage to work, it now is over to my husband to make me feel he is worth it. It is his shame and self esteem which needs work, not mine. Same for you and your partner will no this. He, if you want to try, needs to fix himself and be pretty special to you. Unfortunately things will never be the same, but you now have choices about what you want and how the future unfolds for the two of you.
If this girl works with him, either she or he has to go for the sake of your relationship. You need a fresh start with all the bullshit out in the open and him to be the partner you thought you had. It is him that has been now exposed as a bit of a scumbag and lier - at least you now know what he is capable of, now you can choose, not him.
Your very welcome to message me - I was the hot one too!
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (19 December 2007):
 By the way you talk about all you have to offer this guy and how dare he I think he dared because your relationship wasn't fulfilling. I imagine if you could tell all of us you are much better looking than anyone he could ever get then he must have felt that you were too good for him too. No-one likes to have to prove all the time that you are worthy of someone. Maybe all he wanted to feel was worthy and he got this with the new woman. I think you should let him go as he is on the right track to finding happiness.
You can be the smartest, sexiest woman on the earth but if you have to go around acting like it, we will see you as something else. Vain. Find some realness in life and get some different priorities.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): I think it's a good lesson for you. Time to look at yourself. As per your question, he confessed to you. You should give him an opportunity to earn your trust back. If he succeeds, you should excuse his infidelity. We all make mistakes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): Could also be the "we'd be together forever" thing. Presuming your guy is around your age, forever is a long time. He may just have felt completely smothered by you and not sure of what he wanted any more. I get the impression that you took command in the relationship, and he may have known he had a great thing, but not sure how great. He may have felt that you decided for the both of you that you'd be together "forever" and he may have wanted to find out if that is how he actually felt. Give him space, if you are who he wants to be with he will return, but don't wait up too long.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): I am so sorry you are going through this. What he did was horrible. I mean at least he could have had the decency to break up with you. But to sneak around behind your back for 5 months like that is so pathetic. And of course I understand your anger about feeling like you are so beautiful and good to him and he does this to you with some girl who seems so mediocre. But that aside, your boyfriend just...ugh. He is way out of line. It just sounds like he is the cheating type. You know, no matter who he is with he probably is always going to be tempted by someone else and he's never going to set boundaries. It has nothing to do with your looks. It's probably just the way he is. And I mean you said it yourself that he is the type of guy who dates Playboy type girls. I mean a guy like him only cares about looks but has no substance. I mean alot of the type of guys who date girls like that are not quality guys with any depth to them. Charlie Sheen is the type of guy who dates Playboy type girls. And he is a cheater obsessed with hookers. Believe it or not, quality men look for MORE than just physical stimulation. As for you, I will admit, some of the things you said sound very vain. And with the way you are thinking you are going to keep attracting this kind of guy. I mean the way you compare yourself to the girls in Playboy kind of shows alot about your personality. I mean Playboy?? Why not something a little more classier and interesting like Vogue?? And how you say that you are so meticulously groomed. I mean a relationship is not only about physical stimulation and being perfect. Sometimes its good to be REAL and natural and get a little dirty. Especially since you are so beautiful already, you don't even have to try so hard. So it is possible that he just felt a connection in her personality that he was missing with you. But I just think that he is a womanizer, period. WITH THAT SAID, that is still NO excuse for cheating on you. No excuse whatsoever. He should have manned up and either turned his back to temptation or broken up with you. I would absolutely not forgive him for what he did, for even a second. Move on. And try to avoid guys as superficial as him in the future.
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (19 December 2007):
 It's not all about looks, some guys fall for personality you know and you need to stop thinking about her looks but what she's got inside that you didn't.
Maybe your more of a buddy to him, you play games with him, help him with his car, you let him look at other girls without getting jealous. I'm sure this girl isn't really ugly, if his fallen for her, let him go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): Ok first thing I noticed about you is that you are waaaaay too much into your looks and your boyf's looks. Sadly honey looks don't last forever and even if you "buy" new looks they don't last either and guys will be guys and they move on.....
It seems to me like he (as you put it) chose her over you because she has a personality and feelings and maybe doesn't spend as much time on her looks and treats him as a human instead of a model like person.
Get over it! There's plenty of other guys in the world, nothing lasts forever in this world any more
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (19 December 2007):
I am sorry that your bf cheated on you- NO ONE deserves this. Its horrible what he did and I can understand this has shattered your self esteem.
I dont really know why he did it. Perhaps although he may have alot of great qualities, he may still have inseucurities, so perhaps by having a girl on the side, it helped boost his ego? Or maybe, like he said, there was some connection which is what drove him to that...either way, he should have self control and the guts to end your relationship if he feels this connection with the other girl is special before doing anything with her. You are having trouble understanding why he went for a not so good looking girl when he had you who is super good looking...well my guess is that maybe he connected with her on some other level. I knwo this must be hurtful, because it seems like she wasnt just a hot chick he was attracted too...there was something more, a connection...soemthing that shoudl only be shared between you and your bf really.
You are asking if you should give him another chance. Well first off does he still want in the relationship?? You didnt say if he said that he does or not. You said that he said hes sorry. He can be sorry that he did it but still not want to continue the relationship. If he has this connection with the other female but not you then I dont see how this could work...unless somehow you two can build this connection, but i doubt it if you have been together for 3 years...
Personally, if i was you, i dont think i would give him another go, despite all your love for him. It can be hard to walk away from someone you love, despite all that they do to hurt you, but you can do it. If you do consider staying wiht him and he wants to give it another go, you have to talk deeply about this 'connection' he had with the other girl. Your relationship cant work until you solve what caused it.
hope this has helped :)
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A
female
reader, sxcarshalz +, writes (19 December 2007):
i cant imagine how you feel but oviously his not deeply sorry because he has been doing it for 5 months, its not like it was a mastake because his been doing it for a while. I know what its like to be in love and get hurt bad but you can walk away from him you will fnd someone who respects you more and someone who would never do that to you. once a cheater always a cheater.
hope you make the right decision.
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A
female
reader, Reebe +, writes (19 December 2007):
 You seem very into looks, yours and his, and whilst that is fine to a degree he says he had a "connection" with this other girl, and even though you seem to think she's not as good as you, he obviously thought she was, maybe she gave him confidence and made him feel special, the girls most men look at in magazines are a fantasy for most men, and it doesn't mean they actually want a woman like that, You seem very into yourself, your whole question was ME,ME,ME and how wonderful you think you are.
But all that aside you 2 need to sit down and discuss what you both want out of this relationship, and then you have to decide as to whether you can forgive him or not.
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