A
male
age
36-40,
*onnaeffitup
writes:Why can?t I stay hard?I bet you?ve heard a lot of questions like this, but I?m at my wit?s end. I?m a healthy, active 22 year old male. A month ago I got out of a 4 year relationship with a woman who I loved, but felt nothing for for over 6 months because she became mentally abusive. Never a single compliment, even when I begged; always belittled me and pointed out my every fault.I broke up with her, so good for me. I just met the cutest, most wonderful girl (she even plays Call of Duty, imagine that). She?s perfect. Tonight we tried to ?do it? for the first time. My tool was hard as a rock in my pants while making out and while undressing her. Once I started diverting my attention to her nether regions, it began losing ?pressure? if you will. This has never happened to me before, with anyone and it really troubles me.I know I am an attractive person; I know I can be satisfying in bed; I know my ex, though a b*tch was beautiful, as is this girl. I have no self esteem issues other than this. Why can?t I keep my willy hard? What can I do to help it?During the act, I eventually got it up by beating it myself rather roughly (she was honestly too gentle for my tastes and I told her, but I think that upset her) and fantasizing about my ex (in the sense that i was thinking to myself ?yeah ex, i don?t need you, eff you!?) and I got hard, but I couldn?t stay hard for very long without more stimulation. This girl was too gentle, but at the same time, shouldn?t my member be excited just by the prospect of an insanely attractive 21 year old girl right next to me? Instead it sat limp. I don?t know if while I started doodling her my mind just got too engrossed in keeping her satisfied that my urge for satisfaction went away (I tend to have ADD like that), or if this has something to do with my ex (even though I don?t consider myself as having self esteem issues, this girl is truly beautiful), or if it?s just something else.Before, I was kind of liked for being able to last a while and still be able to stay hard. Now, I feel like everything's been turned on it's head. I even tried servicing myself tonight after the fact, but all I could think about was my failure, and I couldn't even get it up, now I'm scared it'll just make it worse in the future. My ex used to love our sex for the reason that she would always come before me, and before I met her I was in a band and a bit of a man-whore but every lady I had relations with loved it! Now I feel like everything is turned around for me, and I'm just plain confused, upset, and even more upset because I finally met a girl that is not only beautiful, but nice and likes me as much as I like her. Please help :/
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broke up, limp, my ex, self esteem Reply to this Question
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male
reader, gonnaeffitup +, writes (15 January 2010):
gonnaeffitup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you! You have both been incredibly helpful. It makes sense. I think she really likes me, so I might have spooked her a bit too, I wasn't even thinking of that! I thought I'd be MORE turned on by something new, so I wasn't expecting any of this. Thank you!
A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (14 January 2010):
 Sounds like a classic case of performance anxiety that can tend to happen when you're particularly in to someone.
Don't worry, I am sure you will get over it in time, ... never known a guy not to if that was the issue, so try not to let yourself get in a pattern of thinking your going to not be able to perform coz that mindset will create anxiety - the exact opposite of what you want going on. Just go with each moment and try not to focus on the goal line.
Keep in mind tho that your girl's ego might have copped a battering too, and she is probably just as anxious only you can't see it in such an obvious manner.
On that note, It would be best if instead of saying 'you're too gentle', dissasociate her own performance from the comment and say something that does not have a negative association for her such as, 'I like it even more when it's done harder'. Dude, tho, you took over the tools on her and that has to have stung a bit.
Likewise, perhaps let her know incase she thinks you got a soft on coz you dont find her attractive or her hand job ruined it, ...that it happened because you are so attracted to her that it is making you nervous. Not only will you make her feel better, you will be getting yourself off the hook at the same time, as it is giving an explanation that is not only understandable but actually flattering to her and she is not going to be sitting there thinking something is up with either her or yourself - and your not going to be worrying that she is thinking something like this either.
Then you can both just relax and get there in your own good time.
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