A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:It involves my ex bf. We broke up because I was a bit closed off, guarded even. I have a hard time trusting people and I've seen friends get cheated on so many times, that I have had an issue with trusting men I date.So, we broke up and I take full responsibility for it. He definitely was not to blame.He started dating someone new and for about three weeks pretty much threw his new r.ship in my face; showing up at my usual hangouts with her; kissing her and groping her right in front of me; calling her 'babe' when i'm within earshot (he also used to call me that and wanted to show me that he had found a new 'babe')But instead of making me jealous, I found it entertaining, almost pathetic. It was painfully clear what he was trying to do! I would just laugh about it (though, not to his face)So last night, he called me wailing (he was drunk) and demanded to know why I wasn't jealous, why I didn't care for him, why I seemed to not give a rat's ass that he had moved on so quickly and easily...I told him the truth; I knew he'd move on quickly. I didn't think he'd pine over me; I didn't expect him to and didn't want him to pine over me.He told me, whilst heavily under the influence, that he was still in love with me and that he didn't understand why I didn't love him back or cared for him at all.I told him I'd speak to him in the morning when he was sober to put this subject to bed once and for all.We talked at lunch today, and he repeated the same things. I do care, but I don't trust him. In fact I asked him if his new gf knew we were having lunch and he said no. That was clear enough for me to make a decision about him. Not going back there. So I wished him luck with her and left.But all afternoon, I've been thinking about this lack of trust I have in people. Being cautious is good, but being completely untrusting is not healthy.I want to be in a long term relationship in the future and I want to trust someone. The last thing I want is to end up ending yet another r.ship because I am too guarded.Any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): Hey, i could relate to your problem. actually we have the same problem. The reason why i don't trust men is because of the same reason that you have why you don't trust them. Most of all I've been very active in writing and researching about jerks and players, the more that i become obsess about being careful and guarded about men.To be honest, This is actually good, why would we waste time to a person that we know can never meet our expectation? After all if we stick to the wrong person we might not end up with the right person.. The mountain that i built up between me and men, is too high already, that you could say i became a man hater, but no i'm not. Just like you, I don't have a problem talking and being a friend to an ex. Just that I can't be stupid and play stupid with their games and stick around. Women like us are what you can call CONTROL FREAK, and being in control for me is power, we just wanna be treated right. To be honest there is a big possibility that I would end up alone becoz of too high expectation. I am ready for it. Since you're not ready, what you need is acceptance that nobody's perfect. Majority of male species are players and jerks.. I believe there could be 1 in a 5 million angel guy out there but the problem is where is he? haha.. anyway, i just want you to know that your not alone with this kind of mind set. I'm even worst. Don't worry about it. At the end of the day, you'll figure out what to do about it. For now, Think of it as an advantage not a liability... Good luck..
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): Hey, although I'm a guy, I feel your pain. I've been through this before. I've tried so hard to trust people but something just gets in the way and puts those little questions in your mind.This guy sounds like a bit of a no-goer, I think you did the right thing letting him go. There are plenty of guys out there who are completely trustable and would never do such a thing - use another girl to get at his ex.I guess these things take time. It may not be your next relationship or even the one after but you will learn to trust someone. I did. Unfortunately our relationship ended as we moved to other sides of the world! I still miss her even though this was 4 years ago. I trusted her and her me.What I'm saying is that trust cannot be expected, I don't think it can be learned. But it will come. I hope thats a bit of help...?
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