I have let people walk all over me my entire life

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family, Pregnancy, Troubled relationships

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Question - (25 February 2021)

5 Answers - (Newest, 2 March 2021)

A female age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi...sorry for this long post but I really need some advice. I have been feeling a great void in my heart. I find I let people walk all over me. And maybe it's because how I was grown. My parents tried to control every aspect of my life, be it my career, my spouse and my choice in having more children. So it is like, all my life, people try to manipulate me and i just allowed it.

Right now, I can say I really don't have any close friends. When I do consider people my friend, the friendship isn't mutual. I would give 100% and they would just give 50%. The only person I do open up with, is my sister in law who herself doesn't give me the same consideration as I do to her.

My husband's family are pure narcissists. His mother is the ring leader. All because of a property, my mother in law treats her own daughter as trash. My husband is the first and he has a different father to his siblings. His sister came 5 years after him, born to a man whose parents owned a lot of properties. My mother in law had 4 more children after my sister in law, but she committed paternity fraud as the man she lived with was told he was their dad. She eventually told them all who their fathers were. Her common law husband knew she was very loose and wanted his daughter to own the property where they lived, and died before he made a will. Since then, my mother in law and 3 of her children that came after my sister in law give heartache and are very wicked to my SIL.

My husband on the other hand always stood up for her. She had 7 children with one man and he was abusive and didn't used to provide for his own children. So my husband stood in the gap and was a father figure to discipline her children when needed, he provided for her and her children as she didn't work and her children were 1-3 years apart. He fed them, sent them.to school. Her first 7 children ranged from the ages of 13-22. The 3 oldest are boys. They are doing very well now. The oldest boy and my husband had a dispute. My sister in law and her sons came to the property to start to build and her own sister and brother tried to stop her. She broke down her home to renovate and decided to rent until her home was completed. Upon seeing the structure of the home, my MIL decided to stop her from building and the 22 year old ran up to his grandmother's face and cursed her and my husband stepped in. So he stood up for his mother. His nephew he took care of and sent to school, cursed him and ran up to him to hit him. Then there were rumours that the guy said my husband can't talk to him, if he did, he will spit in his face. So my husband was hurt to know how his nephew lacked gratitude and he was angry that he disrespected his grandmother and to know his sister saw nothing wrong.

She used to open up to me but it seems like that falling out with her son, she holds back what she would say. One time she told me something and I told my MIL I heard about it and never told her who I heard it from. Because of that, my SIL stopped talking to me for almost a year.

Where she was renting, the land lord was taken to court by his family members for the property. So she had to move. She had three more children with another guy who she lived with. The man along with her second son help pay rent and the Bill's. She tried to build her home but her mother wouldn't let her. She was hurt and cried and cried. I used to comfort her and cried with her when she spoke of her dead father.

She feverishly looked for a new property to rent. I went with her one day and she saw a place that needed a lot of renovations. I asked her if she got through with the place she lied and told me no. Days passed and I asked her daughter if they got a place, she told me no. I showed empathy and told them I do hope they get somewhere soon as it was Christmas time. She finally moved, lied about where she went. Only for her to invite me home and only to see the same property that needed renovation, she moved there. I was like why you didn't tell me, she said she wanted to surprise me. I went by her that day, and she just paid me and my sons no attention. She was busy talking to her 2nd son and her common law husband. I didn't see the point of being there.

She went in and out of hospital for the past few months. Telling me she needs blood. I offered to give but I didn't know what she needed it for. I told her I know if you are doing a surgery or making a baby, ik you would need blood. Ofc there may be other reasons, but the reason she gave made utternonse. She sent a picture of her driver and her friend waiting to donate blood, mind you, she claims, they didn't know the reason.

My husband got in an accident on jan 16. Nothing too serious but he went into hospital as he claimed he was getting a little chest pain. Same day she told me that she was in hospital. I was angry to know she was sick. And none of her family members knew. I even told my father it is so wrong that this girl doesn't have any one to be there for her. Two days later, my brother in law came to look for my husband at home. She asked me to tell her brother, If he doesn't know she is in hospital. I asked if she told him she was there. She said no, I said he will say how would he know when she never said anything. She foolishly replied, that is what she wants to hear him say. She said tell him it's no baby thing as he always said she was looking pregnant. Before I could go and talk to him, he left. Thank God cause I would have looked like a fool or a liar. Some days later, she sent a picture of a baby and said look my baby. I said where you got that baby from, she said God. I was like ok congrats. She video called me showing a baby lying on her chest. She then messaged and said, you really believe me girl, that's my son's baby...the 22 year old.

One week later, my mother in law visited my husband and told him, his sister has another baby. He asked me if I knew, I said no. Because she told me it's her son's own. I then messaged her about what her mother said. She just lied again and said her mother told her my husband said her son has a baby. When I never told him. I said it is not my place to tell, when she is ready to let her family know, she would. So she lied to me about my husband saying that her son has a baby when she specifically asked me not to tell anyone. She just kept asking about what her mother said and saying all sorts of thing about her mother. I had to ask, so is it your baby or your son's. She said it's her baby and she doesn't care what anyone thinks. I said so why lie. I then told her I am sure the driver and her friend who went to donate blood knew. She claimed no one knew. I was like wow...this girl lied to me about getting a place, lied about where the place was located, lied about her son having a baby and at times she say things to hurt my feeling, given the sarcastic tone she would say it...I just felt hurt. She told my mother she has to do a surgery and my mother asked me about her, I said well she had a baby. My mother laughed, as I got a taste of my own medicine. When I was pregnant with my 2nd son, I only told my parents in my third trimester. I hid my pregnancy because it was my 2nd child out of wedlock. But my sis in law knew and my mother said, that's a friend girl after she realized I didn't know the girl was pregnant. I was later invited by my sister in law Saturday gone. I didnt go. I never made the time to see the baby either. It was 2-3 weeks after she had the baby I found out it was really her baby. I am busy with homeschooling my three sons. And that Saturday, I wasn't well. I messaged her 2 days ago, she never responded. My son messaged her and said he can come by her this Saturday, she never responded. So now I am feeling like she just wants to stop talking to me again, and for some reason, it bothers me. Although I have been told time and time again, she is not a good friend. Would you let someone like that go? Or would you still be friends?

Now, my main issue here is that I have been feeling a great void in my heart. Reason being, I had a TBL 5 years ago with my third son at 27 years old because my parents wanted me to do it. The doctors asked me if I want to, I said yes, thinking about my parents. After I had my baby I was depressed because of what I have done. It took away my choice of wanting more children. It hurts. And everytime I see someone with a baby, i go into a depressed state...wishing that I could have one more. And now, seeing my sister in law with her baby, the depression came back again. I feel angry with my parents. Cause all my life even after marriage they want to control me and I let them. I told my husband I didn't want to have the TBL and he was ok with it. I just said ok, my parents said do it, and I will. So it's like I have reached to a point where I keep looking up stories of people who had a baby after a TBL naturally. And if I don't stay occupied, my mind goes back into thinking about how much I desire to have a baby. My sons always ask for a baby brother or sister...and I would tell them I can't. They even asked me to adopt. I don't know how to get over this feeling. How do I get over it. Sorry for this long post.

View related questions: christmas, depressed, grandmother, liar, sister in law

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2021):

I think you are concerned that you took bad advice and agreed to a tubal ligation.

This was your own decision as an adult and you must have had your own reasons for considering it important to do so such as financial, health etc.

However you are now fearing that your decision was the wrong one and this is because your sister-in-law has been extremely underhand in the way that she has communicated with you about her recent pregnancy and birth.

Because of this you have started to doubt the integrity of everyone around you and this is why you feel a void in your life.

You feel insecure about your decisions and I think you may need to keep your sister-in-law at arms length because she has a way of undermining you.

You are quite capable of running your own life even though you feel you have a shortage of people you can trust.

It is important that you look after yourself and your boys because otherwise they may feel, also, that they have a lack of people whom they can trust and relate to.

You can be a very good mother to your own sons and in later life you may become a grandmother.

I think it's best to see your life as your own life.

It's not a comparison life with anyone else.

It takes a lot of effort to make three sons and look after them adequately and I suspect that you look after the boys very well indeed.

It is possible that your sister in law is actually jealous of you but you may never have picked up on this.

Don't worry about needing another baby as you already have your hands full, but do speak to your doctor about how you are feeling in these present times.

Tubal ligation is reversible with 50% to 80% chance of pregnancy afterwards.

However there is also a 50% to 20% chance of it not being successful in terms of future pregnancy so you would want to seriously consider if it would be worth it to you.

It can be expensive and you may prefer to take your brood on holiday when this pandemic is over.

There is always a downside to every decision in life because we never have perfect options so I suggest you talk this over with your doctor before allowing yourself to think that the answer is another baby.

I think you deserve some congratulations for successfully having 3 boys!

That alone is quite a lot to be proud of so treat yourself kindly now and again and don't give too much time or energy to your sister-in-law who seems hell bent on unsettling you.

Make sure you celebrate every birthday with a cake and enjoy your time together with your children and husband!