A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am turning 30 in a week. I cant help but look back at my 20's and think the only good that came of them were my 2 kids. My relationship has been more rocky than happy lately. I only have a high school diploma no further education,no job in the last 8 years. Mostly due to Husband wanting me to stay home and tend to the kids our home and him. I am suddenly very aware that I am of no use to society(accept to raise the children I made,which I am happy to do) I have let myself be "molded" into what hubsand wanted in a wife,and now I dont know who I am or how to find me. I am scared I will never see "me" again.Is this Just jitters about getting older? Or do I need to make a big change? If I do need a change How Do I Do It? I think I have forgotten how to make a decision,,unless it involves home work ,"whats for dinner",and "can we go outside to play"Can anyone help me? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): When we're younger the urge is to conform -- to peer groups, to parent's expectations -- and then when we enter a relationship it is easy to let that pre-established pattern happen again with no thought if it is really what we want -- so we conform to society's expectations, to our partner's expectations.There is nothing at all wrong with finally questioning if following those expectations will make us happy.As we grow older we find that happiness comes from doing what we like, not what others prescribe for us. You'll find that sixty year olds are notoriously indifferent about whatever society -- or other people wholly unconnected with themselves -- thinks. Because they want to get as much happiness out of their future as they can.This is a pretty typical moment in the growth of a family. That first decade is so full on. So all-consuming that the time just flies. It winds down from there as the children slowly grow into adults themselves. Which isn't to say that the Hormonal Years might not present challenges. But it is surprising how quickly you go from helping them eat, teaching them to eat, teaching them table manners, to teaching them how to cook, helping them cook, to being ordered out of the kitchen as they cook for you and their new boyfriend.Now that the home front is so much less full on it's worthwhile redefining who does what in the running of the household.Firstly, your husband should step up. It would be unfair to be 50:50 in all things, but it probably should be 50:50 for the routine tasks of the household -- laundry, cooking, cleaning. It would be reasonable for him to snarf a weekend wash, dry and fold; a weekend vacuum and dust; and Fri, Sat, Sun meals as his share. That gives 3 meals each and one night where you get takeaway.Secondly, as the kids grow from 10 onwards they should be given household duties. Certainly at 10 they should be making their beds and keeping their rooms tidy. At 15 they should be full members in the cleaning and the simpler cooking (eg, assisting with, but not responsible for, cooking on a night or two a week). At 18 they should be contributing as a full adult member of the family.As for you, you need to live your early 20s again. Try a little of everything until the thing that interests you grabs you by the throat and drags you through whatever education and training is needed to become proficient in that interest. With luck that interest will be in demand and you can use it to earn a wage.You should talk about life plans with your husband. What do you want to do when the kids are adults? That's only a decade away.
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (5 March 2011):
 Hi!Let me start by saying that 30 its not old... You are still very young lady..Sounds like you have a perfect life, 2 beatiful children, a husband that loves you and most importantly support you. I bet many women out there will do anything to be a stay home mom. As you know, 80% of married couples both work and still don't make enough money..When you mentioned rocky" its hard to give you advice because I don't know if is your husband doing something wrong? Or if its just you feeling this way?If its just you? Then I will suggest if you make some time for yourself..meaning, get together with the girlfriends, exercise, find a hobby. Maybe once a week you could go out just you and your girlfriends, maybe sister. Think about something that you like or would like to learn..Don't feel depress,sad thinking something is wrong with you..its normal to doubt yourself once in a while. Happens to everybody. Sorry if I could not help much, but just take one day at a time..you sound like a lovely lady.. Keep us posted and let us know how ur doing..Good luck and feel better
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A
female
reader, little_3_eyes +, writes (5 March 2011):
 I am almost 30 too and I have been a "just" a mom for the past 5 years. Here are some ideas:*Take a class at the local community college, whatever sounds fun. This way you will meet lots of new people and you can find things you enjoy that are not a part of the family. Maybe even some stuff you can share with your family (like if you do an art class). *Take some time for yourself, take up a hobby, do things that make *you* happy. Take care of *you*. I hope that helped.
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A
female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (5 March 2011):
 Find something you are interested in. like volunteering somewhere! it helps the community and will give you a sense of independence. you are still you. taking care of children is the hardest job there is. id say just find some hobbies that make you happy and do them. it might not be getting the job of your dreams but still little steps. you could also try going to back college. OR taking courses online to get yourself a good job.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (5 March 2011):
 When you seek change, you act to make it. What about what you want in a husband? Is he that man? If he respects you and cherishes you as his wife, he will support you and help you achieve your dreams as a husband should. Don't worry. Of course you are useful to society.
Absolutely nothing is impossible, so do not doubt that you can further yourself in life if that is what you seek. Start by asking yourself what you want. Who do you want to be?
You are clearly a dedicated wife and mother. Therein lies great strength, so do not feel powerless. You always have your options. Look into them and then decide whether or not you want to change. If you do, never stop until you have reached your goals. Good luck.
I hope that helps.
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