A
female
age
41-50,
*anniepeg
writes:I am asking a question here because I was talking to my boyfriend for 4 hours last night and neither of us has the energy to do that again today. We have a 3 year relationship.Whenever our relationship progresses into the next level, he would find stupid excuses to end the relationship. After 4 hours of talking I discovered that the real issue is that he never healed from childhood sexual/physical/emotional abuse plus his strained relationship with his mother who hides problems instead of facing them. His mother is 75 years old and it's impractical to make her acknowledge the childhood trauma she chose to ignore.Our conversation ended with me concluding the relationship does not have to end because he needs time to heal, and that love is not a race to find out who is a more competent, productive husband/wife, it is about accepting whatever stage of spiritual development we are at. I am not going to withhold my love just because he wants to give up.My questions are:Why is an abuse survivor devoid of life energy?Why is he selfish?Why does he choose to see me as unreliable, inattentive, selfish when all I tried to do is learn to be more understanding?Why does he always want to help people, but resent having to help them?Why does he associate helping people with losing personal freedom?How can I make him realize that I am not in his life to get rid of his pain?How can I make him realize that he can heal even when his mom seems indifferent to his problems? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2011): I am Native American Ancestry as well and it is such a rapant disease from the trauma our ancestors battled when our children were taken from their family and homes and put into care of others that were not so loving, let alone child sex predators were present.
We still struggle to recover from all that evil and horror.
I'm glad he is getting healing- sweats are so rejuvenating- and its good he is working with Elders, as our Elders are wise, loving, and having endured so much, have the strength and years to aid the BF.
Hang in there.
*hugs*
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (13 November 2011):
janniepeg is verified as being by the original poster of the question He has therapy in his work place. Today he is going to a sweatlodge for healing. The elders invoke spirits for healing. I hope it is helpful. It was very difficult for me to help him when he kept breaking up with me and coming back. I had my first panic attacks since being with him and so I get comfortable and avoid confrontations because I didn't want more break ups. I guess he is finally fed up with living a soulless life, and has to release pain however overwhelming it will be for him to dig up memories.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2011): He has abandonment issues and anger/resentment towards his Mother so he has carry over feelings towards the women in his life and currently it is you.He does have healing to do and he should be in Counselling ASAP because if he doesn't like his Mother not owning up to failing him, he needs to see he is failing himself by waiting for someone who won't help him heal.Forgiveness is a tricky thing and in the end, it may only be him doing all the work.He probably struggles with trusting and loving because he already gave so much of his innocence, love, energy, goodness to the evil person/people that wronged him.He should be angry, it is a grave injustice likened to murder when someone robs you of your childhood and your innocence. Just wish the courts would see it as such because for such a sin/offence, there can be no restitution.The victim of sexual abuse, crime has to live with a life sentence of self loathing, self destruction, and the pain and evil and ugliness of the twisted that harmed him spiritually, physically, psychologically, emotionally.Most survivors of incest/sexual abuse are compared to soldiers who suffer from PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder.Some survivors are unable to handle the stress, night terrors, memories, the suppressed memories that come to the surface and turn to alcohol, drugs, and other sources of addictions to avoid and may not have the necessary tools to cope and deal with even the everyday.So please, tell him he does not have to suffer alone. That he has someone to comfort him when he needs it, to hold and cherish him. To be his friend.He deserves happiness and goodness and Love just as much as anyone else (which he believes he doesnt because of what happened to him- its such a horrid battle of the inner soul). He can have it and he can get their with Counselling.
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