A
male
age
41-50,
*acobl
writes:The love of my life, and I met and began dating about 2.5 years ago. We seemingly had similar expectations and values despite our very different upbringings, and insane chemistry. About a week into our relationship she was told that I had previously been sleeping with a waitress from the restaurant where we met. Keep in mind we spent more time together our first week than I’ve spent in other relationships over the course of months. When confronted I lied, or masterfully avoided the truth. So I lied. I said the other girl and I had kissed and left it at that. When the subject emerged I always avoided or deflected. I did this not to mask feelings I had for the other woman, but to avoid judgment for a mistake I had made in the past. I lied so that I could have a chance with this amazing new person I had found. I was not her first either; she had sexual encounters and relationships that were less than respectable in her past as well. I knew that she was insecure and I compromised my honesty to avoid bringing out her insecurities, and also to retain the image of morality I wanted to project. I never cheated and never would have; I was never even tempted. She was/is the one for me.About a year ago we broke up. This happened for numerous reasons, reasons that I would attribute to her insecurity, and reasons she would attribute to my negative reaction to her insecurity. Long story short, she went straight back to her ex and slept with him. When I found out for certain that she was back with her ex I gave up all hope and sought solace in the arms of another. A few weeks later she was at my door; the love of my life, out of nowhere. She had a family tragedy, and things hadn't worked out with her ex. She asked if I was seeing anyone and I said no, and we picked up right where we had left off. A few days later the interrogation began. She had leveled with me and told me about sleeping with her ex. I told her that I forgave her, and for the most part I truly did. I was still hurt, and doubted her loyalty, but I was willing to try again because I still loved her. I asked her if she would accept and forgive me had I done the same. She answered "No." Shortly after her confession she began to inquire into my escapades. I offered the same response/lie as before. I told her I had kissed someone and it ended there. I lied, again. A little more background… This woman literally got up and walked out of a pg-13 movie because the women on the screen were wearing bathing suits and I did not look away. She threw away my magazines (rhymes with axim) and demanded I cancel my subscription. If I laugh at another woman’s joke or smile at one of her friends she would feel threatened or "disrespected". I have catered to these insecurities for over 2 years, and made some progress. I’m in love with her, despite all this. We were getting better. We had recently backed off physically and started practicing accountability and honor. I hadn't proposed marriage yet for two reasons: I couldn't say my vows knowing she believed a lie, and she wasn't all in. A few nights ago I dropped her off at her apartment on pleasant terms; she even blew me a kiss from the balcony and said she loved me as I left. I called her on my way home and we talked until we both went to sleep. The next morning I woke up and text her and told her I loved her as I normally did. She responded angrily, (not uncommon for her to wake up angry and insecure) saying she hadn't slept well and she knew I was hiding something about the waitress from before we met. This subject hadn't been mentioned since before she had left me for her ex. I evaded and eluded and turned the focus to why it mattered. For two days this went on, one minute she would say she was going to trust me and the next back to anger. My attempted subject change instead of denial or affirmation was fuel, and rightly perceived as an admission of guilt. She was furious. This anger spiraled and she demanded explicit details of the waitress encounter, I refused. It wasn't long before she asked about our break and if I had misled her about that too. I quickly responded, “No.” By this time I had already been discovered and decided to finally be honest. I immediately told her I had slept with someone on our break. I tried to qualify my deceit, claiming none of the events occurred while we were together and that it’s wrong to judge. I also played the “I forgave you” card pointing to when she had lied and slept with someone else. Yes, she’s insecure and there are many issues there, but we have made progress. Yes, I lied, but not out of malice or even in an attempt to mislead. I wanted to be perceived as loyal and not promiscuous. I bent the truth to deflect a judgment that would have been a lie. Our relationship was a roller coaster, but I can say with confidence that no one can love her as much as I do, and I will never love another as I love her. What can I do to fix this?
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broke up, confidence, her ex, her past, insecure, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): I hope you post some follow-up but I'll give my opinion.
You both sound like good people, shes just a little insecure and alot of women are.
At this point your lie is damaging the relationship, in many situations I would say to conceal the lie and never mention it again. But because she is already very suspicious I would tell her the truth and word it all in such a way that it ties in to how you lied because you loved her. Just be honest.
I suspect someone has already told her something so the damage is already done.
Its going to go one of two ways, she'll accept your honesty and it'll all disappear into the past OR she wont accept it, or won't be able to get over what you did. In this case the relationship will end.
Let us know what happens please!
A
male
reader, jacobl +, writes (4 April 2011):
jacobl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. I would ask the anonymous lady a question. Your ex was lying about a relationship he was still in/pursuing. Is that not different than concealing the past to prevent insecurities from something that would never repeat? I understand that a lie is a lie is a lie, but disloyalty was always the root of the question. The judgement based on a persons past is the assumption that because they were promiscuous that they will be unfaithful in the future. I was stupid, selfish, and dishonorable in my past, but i was never unfaithful. I have never cheated, and would never cheat. Also, honestman, thank you for your response. The issue with her insecurities to the extreme of women in movies being an issue had subsided. She was just starting to gain trust/respect for me when she caught me lying about the past. I probably made myself sound like a victim, its difficult to be objective when im in the middle. Ily is a wonderful woman. I have been blessed to have had her in my life this long. I am no picnic myself. I have my own insecurity and anger issues. I think she is insecure and has been hurt in her past, i dont think she has a personality disorder.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 April 2011):
 Well technically the only thing you done wrong was lie. I understand that you lied to her to protect her feelings because she is insecure, but still lying to an insecure person to protect them just makes things worse as now she will find it really hard to trust a word you are saying and she will be over thinking it and have insecurities that there is more stuff you have lied about. That is why it is always the best route to tell the truth even if you done it just to protect her.There is nothing now that you can do here but apologise to her. Dont play the guilt card that you forgave her as she will only feel you are throwing it back in her face. I think she needs to sort her head out though or else she will never be fully happy in a relationship. Even without the lies she is extremely insecure and down on herself and this is not healthy at al. She needs help to overcome her insecurities and also to gain confidence. You need to sit down with her and tell her how worried you are about her and be open and honest with each other. The best thing she can do is to go to a councellor to get the help that she needs in order to love herself. You can try and convince her but she needs to want to get the help that she needs so that she will have a happy relationship.Goodluck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): During one relationship I had an ex used to lie to me about his sexual history. I had a feeling he was lying and told him I wasn't bothered but wanted to know the truth about his fiancee (as she was a work colleague and I just wanted to know if they had been intimate after the relationship ended just before he met me. I wanted to make sure I wasn't a rebound thatwas all). Over the next few months my insecurities developed and I would say I became quite obsessive with lots of his so called normal behaviour ie was he flirting with her at work, e mailing her and staying in touch, unfinished business etc. This then spillled out onto other things such as was he looking at other women excessively when we were out, hiding porn etc. This was totally out of my character but was due to my womens inutition and the fact I always felt like he was hiding the truth. In the end the truth came out and it hurt like hell because I had been right all along, he had lied. I think she has sensed from the start of your relationship that you have lied to her and she is quite intuitive. All the way along her insecurities have been festering as she couldn't put her finger on it but she knew you weren't being honest with her. This can make a person go nuts believe me.
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A
male
reader, honestman  +, writes (3 April 2011):
Wait a second, she doesn't allows you to watch bikini girls on a pg-13 film?She sees wrong in your life, but can't see she is wrong about herself, even if she did the same "wrong" things?Man, I have also lied to my girlfriend. She is very, very depressive, and sometimes I simply omit information from her, because if I tell her what really is going on, she will start with her bruxism problem. I know some girls will say this is wrong, but I think you should tell a lie or two, which you know won't harm the other person. Also, I really feel kind of disgusting talking about the explicit details of an encounter of a former lover with my current lover. That is a subject you should only keep to yourself, no matter how much she insists. Your girlfriend seems to have jealousy and control issues. Also, she seems to have a very unstable mood. Let me ask you a question.Does she physically / mentally abuse you?Does she puts all the blame of your relationship failure on you?Does she distorts the truth, facts, events?Do you feel you are always walking on egg shells with her?Does she admits when she is wrong?Does she restrains you from having sex?Does she does binge eating/buying ?When you tell her mistakes, does she suddenly puts the blame on you about her mistakes?If you answered yes to many of the previous questions, congratulations, it is very possible that your girlfriend has a Borderline Personality Disorder.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorderI say congratulations, because you are just on time before you marry her and get kids.This kind of persons get worse over time. They are so very insecure, that they feel being left alone [because when the were kids they were left alone]. But the problem is that, this kind of persons puts you every day on a constant trial just to see if you'll leave them. The thing is that, with this trials, they only make the relationship worse, until you only want to run from that relationship. In that moment, they say to themselves "ajam, I told you, you were going to leave me" . It is a self fulfilled prophecy .If you find your girlfriend has this problems, it doesn't matter how awesomely hot she is, or how apparently successful she is, or how many charms she got... she will only make you feel miserable each and every second you spend with her. If you suspect she is a Borderline [read carefully wikipedia], I would really recommend you to run away, and find a better girlfriend.Really, it doesn't worth it.I tell you all this not because I had a borderline ex.... but because I have a borderline sister. She always make everyone around her miserable, and have similar jealousy issues like your girlfriend. [She has also binge eating/buying problems].If you suspect your girlfriend is a borderline, please read any article on this page:www.shrink4men.comI wish you the best luck!
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