A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am having a tough time finding permanent work, my new husband and I don't see eye to eye on many things, and my stepson just moved his girlfriend into our house without even asking us. I am actually considering moving out.I have heard of this thing where you "disengage" from your step children. Is that the correct term? My stepson is an adult, doesn't clean, pay rent, pay any of our bills, and he has a shopping addiction. He gets anywhere from 1 to 8 packages a day in the mail. We live paycheck to paycheck but my husband still gives him money every month in the form of an allowance. My husband refuses to get couples counseling, refuses to speak to his son who we both know has issues with money and responsibility. When I try to talk to him calmly about it he attacks my sons. Saying negative things about them. For example, if I say can you please talk to your son about locking the door at night when he comes in , he will say something like, well your son doesn't even have a driver's license.He has made comments to me about the girlfriends chest size. Completely inappropriate! She quit her job to go to Hawaii and moved in with us. Neither of them work or are going to school. I guess the son feels since he lives here she should be able to live here too. Never even asked us. My husband says she is "family" so I have to just put up with it.I am at the end of my rope. I thought about talking to the son but then I read somewhere about disengaging? Anyone else have any experience with that?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 August 2014):
 My guess it really comes down to what YOU want. Since your husband seem totally unwilling to compromise, you only have 2 choices:
1. move out
2. suck it up.
Neither are great choices, but really what else is there?
Do you guys rent? or own? Because you might want to consider a lawyer if the house is owned jointly.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014): There is an article in the magazine Psychology Today about dealing and disengaging with adult stepchildren. The article is called Stepmothers on Strike. Here is the link: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/201102/stepmothers-strike-how-can-doing-less-save-your-marriageMy concern is your husband and his total lack of respect for you about this situation with his son. You two do jointly own the home you are in, I hope. You have just as much right to say you do not want his son in your house or his girlfriend. They are freeloaders. Personally, I would be showing them the door.Since your husband refuses counseling or any responsibility, I would go myself.That your husband is commenting about his son's girlfriend's chest size would totally creep me out.My advice to you is if your husband doesn't buck up and see the light of day about his son, then I would be looking at separating or getting a divorce. I would consult a divorce lawyer on the sly and see what your options are. Go to a workplace center and find out what skills you have or can get for a job. There is always fast food places or Walmart jobs. I know the economy is awful right now, but there are jobs our there, even if you have to take two jobs to survive. It sounds like his son can walk all over him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, I was living with my husband when his son moved in with us. I can afford to support myself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 August 2014):
I think it's more of a disenchanted with your husband more then the son.
The fact that he didn't ASK YOU before moving his GF in, I guess is because he ALREADY asked his Dad and HE (your husband)agreed and didn't bother to ask you.
Is it HIS house?
Can you support yourself if you move out? If so, maybe you have come to the point where you realize that your husband doesn't really respect your opinions and thinks it's ok to attack your kids when you bring up issues with HIS son, who is mooching of you two.
My thing is though, if YOU moved in with your "Now" husband and the stepson was already there, it's kind of too late to make it an issue.
You don't sound like the marriage is working for you at all.
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