A
female
age
41-50,
*pril0276
writes:This is really hard for me to ask for help. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. We live together and both have a child in the mix. We live like we are married even though we aren't. Three months into our realtionship a friend of mine, while we were out one night hit on my boyfriend. I got the he said, she said crap and felt like I could not trust my friend any longer. We have since become friends again, with a distance. There have been times when I have caught my boyfriend in a lie, even if it's a small one it's still a lie! I don't like being lied to and do not lie myself. He has a lot of girls that are friends, I have met some of them. He has quit being friends with one due to the fact that she never wanted to meet me and I felt that she had other ideas of their friendship. She has moved on. I have had trust issues that I really don't want to have but I can't get them to go away. I can't help but to look at phone records or check his e-mail, especially when he has lied to me about who he has been talking to or messaging and when I found e-mails for websites on porn and meeting adults for sex I got really upset, he told me that they were from before we had got together and he was trying to delete his account. I really don't know what to do. Our realtionship is great otherwise. We have sex a lot, we communicate well and our home life is good. He is never going out without me and vise versa. I want to trust him but things keep coming up. Should I just let it go and quit checking up on him and believe that what he says is real? Or should I keep up my behavor and possibly end things. I love him so much, I have never loved anyone as much as him. It would break my heart if we ended things, but I will not be taken advantage of or lied to or cheated on. His family loves me and they tell him all the time not to screw this up. He would loose so much if we split up. I was one of the reasons why he got custody of his son. I have helped him in so many ways get his life back together after his divorce two years ago that ended with him being cheated on by his ex wife. I would think that after all that hurt he went through that he wouldn't do the same to me, but I am at a loss for words. We got into a big fight last night after I had found out my friend had been texting him the past two days. I really feel like she is trying to cause trouble even though she is in a realationship. Please someone give me some advice.
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female
reader, Deema  +, writes (2 October 2008):
 Oh dear, you are so wound up with all of this, and I can read the pain going on for you here. I think you have to sort the fact from the fiction here. What is past and what is present? Some men do have a lot of female friends, like some women have male friends. We have to accept that. But the thing that differentiates to me is whether the person is open about it. I still see my ex husband very occasionally, but my new husband knows that goes on. I have male friends I meet up with sometimes, he also knows that too. I feel as long as everything is open and he is 100% aware of what is going on then there is no problem for either of us. He, on the other hand, was not so open when he was going to sex lines and chatting on the net with other girls. Now THAT caused a mega problem between us, which resulted in me throwing him out - not for what he was doing, but because he was doing it in a very secretive manner, which I found unacceptable. However, I'm mature enough to know no one is perfect, and after a period of a month during which I gave him a list of boundaries and there was a great deal of growing up and learning to be done - from both sides - we eventually got back together. He now sees, because I gave him very harsh treatment, exactly what he would lose if this sneaking around went on again, and is very sorry. It took time to rebuild the trust again, but I honestly think our relationship is stronger because of this. So I guess you have to decide what is and isn't acceptable to you, and then make your decisons based on that. Hope that helps. I know its a tough one, espeically where the heart is involved.
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