A
female
age
41-50,
*haron76
writes:Please help-I have been with my boyfriend for a while now and we are soooo in love but...... He is a big flirt. I have been upset with him in the past for his flirting and gawping at women and he has always seemed genuinely sorry and always says he will try to calm it down and in a way he has. However, he has a long term friend, a girl that is about 20 years younger than him, she has admitted in the past she fancies him and they have always had a flirtatious relationship. He has always told me not to worry as nothing would ever come of it it's just a bit of fun (she's married btw). However, he told me today he'd seen her on his street, they were chatting and he was asking how she is as she's pregnant. He then told me he'd 'jokingly' said to her "it's not mine" and when she laughed he then "joked" that it couldn't be cos she wont let him go there, to which she giggled.I have had enough of this kind of behaviour, I don't do it to him and I feel it is disrespectful and also cheapens the worth of our relationship to others. Again,he says he's sorry and will try and stop it and that he loves me and only needs me, etc,etc. am I overreacting? I feel I may have been spoiled by my ex as although he was a lazy ass he NEVER behaved in this way. Everything else with us is great but I keep been hurt and upset by his "ways" what would u guys do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2014): Up to you if you tolerate it. However if you ask your husband to not do something that upsets you yet he persists then I question his respect for you. What does he get from doing that. He only has excuses for his behaviour not reasons.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2014): Thank you-I realise I amtaking it too personally and I need to man up lol :-)
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 December 2014):
 sorry I clicked on send before i was done.
my next point was that IF I am flirting with a stranger who does not know my spouse (and my spouse is not around) the red hot second I sense in any way that the object of my flirtation thinks they have a chance to "be with me" I mention hubby.... guy says something and I say "oh yes my husband said that just this morning" even if it was not something he said. I make it very clear I am taking and just having a bit of fun.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 December 2014):
My husband is the most self-entitled cocky SOB that lives. His self-esteem is just fine and my flirting amuses him more than anything.
I am not sure why you would think the integrity of my marriage is questionable. Our marriage is quite secure. We do not share with others. I am a bisexual but I have opted to forsake all others and remain monogamous with my spouse and he with me.
As for how people perceive me, they think I'm fun and caring and they enjoy being with me. As for our relationship, it has a great deal of respect. We work hard to be together and we are totally committed to each other.
IF you define flirting as cheating, then I think you have an issue that cannot be resolved. My husband does not. My husband, as i have said thinks it's fine.
My flirting is not disrespectful to my husband or our relationship and it does not belittle him or our relationship.
I don't see it as disrespectful of our relationship or my commitment and fidelity to him and neither does he.
I am not sure I can explain it better to you as you are bringing your own personal feelings about his behavior to it and you view his behavior as a negative towards you and your relationship where I see it as a fun loving man who is secure in his love of his partner and with his partner.
He's not dating other women, he's not texting them or sexting them or cheating on you behind your back. He's not hiding his flirtations from you.
He's just interfacing with the world in a jovial manner. IF he didn't do that, he would not be the man you love. His personality would be different.
OH and since we never ever fight about my flirting or his porn usage the fights are not about this issue since both of us are comfortable with it.
I wear a rock and a half as my engagement ring and large heavy wedding ring.
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A
female
reader, Sharon76 +, writes (18 December 2014):
Sharon76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThese are all very good answers and I can take a lot from them, but to the lady who's an 'outrageous flirt', do you ever wonder what your actions are doing to your husbands confidence in himself and the integrity of your relationship? My bf tells me constantly how beautiful I am and I believe it, but when the arguments are about the same thing over and over it makes you feel ugly and not good enough, I wonder if your husband feels that way but has 'given up'. Also, do you not worry how people will perceive you and the seriousness of your relationship? I feel I announce how proud and faithful I am about him with my actions to others and when he continuously behaves like this I feel it's belittling to both me and us-not criticising, curious from the 'flirters' pov
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 December 2014):
OH he sounds like me. It sounds like he's a "natural flirt" and he can't help it.
that's me. I am an outrageous flirt with everyone.
I asked my husband when we were dating if it bothered him and if he wanted me to stop and he said
"you flirt like you breathe you could no more stop flirting that you could breathing"
and he's right... it's just how I interface with the world.
two things that stick out:
the conversation with the pregnant friend was playful banter nothing more
HE TOLD YOU ABOUT IT (if it was a threat to your relationship do you think he would share this with you?)
he told you because he thinks it's cute and he doesn't see how it's a problem and to be honest I'm with him.
Basically this is his personality. He does not do it to disrespect you or embarrass you nor in my opinion is this a sign of a man that does not love you.
From a flirter's POV I think you are over reacting.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2014): Its a horrid situation to be in and people never change even when they try and smooth things over by saying they will. I had a girlfriend who was like that with every bloke we ran into. It makes it worse and becomes totally imbalanced when you try and set an example by being too good and hinting on how faithful your being. (I Know)Dangerous people can be attractive and lovable unfortunately. My advice would be to end it. Playing him at his own game will probably end in disaster because he probably thinks hes got you wrapped around his finger and would only have things that way. I was crazy in love when I was with that woman I mentioned and I don't hate her now (breaking up sucked for a while yes) but I wouldn't go anywhere near her because she would have ruined my life. Look after yourself ;)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2014): The way you word it makes it sound like he's just a big clown. A jokester. He doesn't take much seriously in regular conversation and sees the humor in everything, turns everything into a joke. Trivializing sex is often one of the best subjects for comedy. You don't seem insecure about him, instead you state with conviction that you are both very inlove. I could be totally wrong but its what I take from your post. I apologize in advance if my advice is irrelevant. If he really is that guy who is just one big comedian then it probably was just a joke to make her laugh. And in turn make you laugh when he went home to tell you the story. Comedians love an audience. He probably has always been able to make girls laugh by his sense of humor. He's never gotten smacked in the face or gotten dirty looks. Instead girls probably giggle. Since overall he gets a positive reaction to his inappropriatess, he thinks its ok. Has he ever thought of taking his comedic nature to a more professional platform? Stand-up or something. Could be something to consider. A more appropriate and potentially lucrative way to channel his humor. If this is the case, however, maybe explain it in a way he understands. For instance, "I don't find it FUNNY when you act this way." "It's not FUNNY, Im not LAUGHING." Cause when you say, "Im hurt" "this bothers me" it seems to go in one ear and out the other. So instead, nip it in the bud.
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