A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I recently split up from a man, still in the very very early stages of a relationship because he shared some information about himself that made me scared to get involved with him. He said he had been very damaged by his abusive upbringing and now in his adult life (37 years old) he cannot have a good relationship, has cheated in the past, and had lots of women (30+ he says), suffers from depression and panicky feelings, and has been 'nearly hospitalized' twice, which he blames on heavy drinking and recreational drug taking in the past. He says he does not touch anything now, but when I saw him last time his pupils were really enlarged and he says they are always like that and he and his doctor cannot explain why. He said there were 'sexual issues' also when he had his 2 breakdowns. He refuses to get professional help, so I thought the best thing to do would be to not get involved. I have suffered from depressive episodes myself and had bad relationships already, so I just wanted to protect myself rather than getting further involved.I feel so lost though. He was so lovely and very charming and intelligent (although he doesn't have a great job and he was disruptive at school) and we got on SO well, I really thought he could've been perfect for me. I have never met anyone like him before and I don't feel like I ever will again that makes me feel so connected and interested but it hurts so much; I feel like I have fallen for someone that doesn't really exist. I know I will get over this in time, I just miss him so much at the moment. When I told him that I could not be with him as a partner, but I would still be his friend, he seemed perfectly happy with that. He just switched his feelings off, changing from someone who 'loved' me and wanted to make a future with me to someone who is happy to be a mate instead. I am hurting, but I do not let him know this. He on the other hand seems to feel nothing and last time I spoke to him he was telling me about the woman at work who fancies him (he has told me about her before, saying that she 'jokingly' tells her boyfriend she is with the wrong man because my ex is the one who likes the same stuff as she does, like candles and massages and romance). It is obvious to me that he has been feeding her the same line of BS as he fed to me. I wonder if I will ever trust anyone again after this latest relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmaybe he didn't switch his feelings off, maybe he never had any in the first place. i don't know. we have had a few texts over the last few days but have not been ringing each other, coz it just doesn't feel right to do that now. we have tentatively said we would meet up at some point, just for coffee and chat but to be honest i don't think this is such a good idea now. he has told me that his mates are real trouble makers, i have not met them but they sound absolutely vile from what he has told me. he said he 'doesn't identify with them any more' but the fact that he ever did, makes me wonder what his true character is! if someone is nice, surely they don't want to spend time with horrible people? a friend of mine once said to me 'you can tell a lot about a man, by looking at the friends he has'
i am feeling loads better about things now. i have benefited from having space from him and his overpowering charm so i can see more clearly. like i said, this 'relationship' was in the extremely early stages, but three days in and already i was hearing warning bells because of how overly nice and attentive he was acting and every instinct i have is telling me to not take a chance on him, but i was ignoring my feelings!
thank you all who have answered, you have been very helpful
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): are you sure he just switched his feelings off just like that? maybe his pride and ego made him not want to show his true hurt feelings. He's trying to give you the impression that you meant nothing to him, because his pride has been hurt and he doesn't want to appear vulnerable or in the weak position.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): With all of the problems you've mentioned this is definitely not someone who you want to be in a relationship with. Just be thankful that it was brief and that you had the sense to end it before it got started.
I would cut off the friendship also and just move on. Try to figure out why you would even consider to be in a relationship with someone who is so problematic. You deserve better than this. Just keep thinking of all of the many negatives about him when you miss him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all and hello again shawncaff.
@ anonymous male: i am not jerking his chain, if i thought loving him would be the thing that cures his problems i would be with him right now, no doubt about it. the only reason i wanted to leave was because i do not trust him to ever love me as much as i would love him. the thing that hurts is this: for all he was romantic and full on and made me feel so special even in that short time, a friend of mine made this comparison which i think sums it up perfectly:
"its like saying to a kid 'we have no orange juice' and the kid replies 'ok, i'll just have apple juice instead' - it really is as deep as that"
as shawncaff (who i know has been in a very similar situation) explains, people like this do not form real attachments to people. they just play the part and are great at mirroring people. this man made me really feel like he was the other half of me that had been missing. like i said, the relationship was a VERY short one, but very intense (not sex) and i know that i bailed out quickly before giving him a chance to hurt me or not
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A
male
reader, shawncaff  +, writes (21 February 2011):
 It is no surprise that you are hurting. It is a big disappointment that after the initial stages of hope and expectation, you realized he was not for you (and it sounds like you made a very wise choice).
I think the key statement you made here is this:
"I feel like I have fallen for someone that doesn't really exist."
This is likely true. Many people with personality disorders (borderline, narcissistic, etc.) are extraordinarily charming and magnetic. However, these outward traits mask the fact that they are not empathic and connected inwardly to other people.
It is this unconnectedness that makes them so intriguing, actually. Since they do not feel real empathy, they are free to do whatever they like and have compensated by mirroring what they believe you or others want to see. It makes them the perfect partner...for an extremely limited time. The downside is that once you are out of sight and you are not needed, you are out of their minds. This is why he was able to "switch off" so quickly back into friends mode and was not sensitive to you in telling you about the other woman.
I had a somewhat similar experience which I wrote about in an article here on DC, which you can check out if you want by accessing my profile.
You are a perceptive person to catch this early before you got too involved. I would not let this somewhat anomalous incident color your future relationships though. (That's what they tell me, anyway!)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): Wait a second, you say you had a lucky escape from this guy, you tell him you don't want a relationship and just be friends, now he's treating you as a friend you're feeling hurt? It seems this guy has been brutally honest with you but you're not being honest with him or yourself.You made the decision that this guy wasn't good enough for you, and this guy, unlike a lot of guys who make up a lot of BS just to get a girl into bed, actually just spelled out all his bad points, put it on the table and let you decide if you wanted to be with him, and guess what you chose not to, so what's the problem? If you're unhappy then tell him, if you really don't want to be with him stop jerking his chain and let the man be. A bit of honesty goes a long way.
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female
reader, AskPru +, writes (21 February 2011):
 Hello my dear, thanks for your letter. You have clearly thought a lot about your feelings for this man and the situation. Your decision to end the relationship was competely right - even though you felt a deep connection with this man - the pain you are now feeling is due to his emotional betrayal. Believe me, you are not alone in experiencing this at the end of a relationship. People have very different coping mechanisms. Understandably, you feel that although you didn't want a romantic relationship with this man, he should still care about your feelings. This is not always the case. Some men can take a very matter of fact attitude to relationships. "It's over, therefore I am moving on". He is very wrong to talk to you about other women and it does seem he is either oblivious to that fact that you are still hurting or he is deliberately trying to provoke a response. Either way, he sounds like trouble - and you obviously realise that ... it is just taking your heart a little longer to accept that this relationship would not make you happy. You must not allow your disappointment to affect you or make you distrustful of other men. It's wise to be cautious and take things slowly with a new man (after all if he genuinely likes you he will go at your pace). It might take you a wee while to get over this hurt, but you will ... you made the right decision. Good luck! Pru x
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