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age
41-50,
*
writes: I have been in love with this guy for about four months. We agreed to have ourselves tested for sexually transmitted diseases. I have been diagnosed with two curable sexually transmitted diseases, though I have never had any symptoms. I am not surprised because I have had more than 35 sexual partners in less than three years and only took precaution for HIV. My life was in a mess after my first relationship with a man I loved so much failed. I became a reckless drunkard and had so many one night stands. I have since changed, I have become a completely different person (gone back to my old self) no more alcohol and reckless sexual behavior. My boyfriend has no idea about my past life, I do not lie or pretend, I have just been quiet about it. Is it necessary for me to tell him about the infections? (Am getting treatment and have not had contact that would have infected him)I have changed, and what he knows now is “an angel”, and never imagines me having been anything close to a little devil. Is it necessary for me to tell him about all this mess I had in the past? My idea is to go for treatment and keep it away from him and not to tell him about my shameful past (which I regret, though I have forgiven myself).Need your advice.
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male
reader, empty-1  +, writes (7 October 2009):
Relationships must be built on a foundation of hinesty, trust, and respect. Without these cornerstones, the relationship cannot stand.
A lie of omission is still a lie.
The fact is that each of us has skeletons in our closets, and those skeletons are a very big part of who we are, how we got to be who we are, and how we interact with the world going forward. If you and this guy re serious, like potentially marriage material someday style serious, you will HAVE to let him in at SOME point.
Whether that point in the relationship is now, or another later time is up to you. However, you owe him the respect of letting him know exactly who it is you are asking him to fall in love with. While you may have changed a great deal since then, those changes have come with a cost, a cause, and long term repercussions on who you are, how you view yourself (hopefully, as being better than that now) and why. Your man deserves to know these things about you, or you are leading him on with falsehood, and the honesty, transparency, and trust your relationship so needs will rot out from under you and doom the relationship to one mode of failure or another.
Be prepared, this will be a very difficult conversation. He will likely react badly at first, no maytter how gently and lovingly you tell him. His reaction, from the male standpoint, is an understandable one (been there) but he will over time gain perspective and mastery of those feelings. If you love him, care for him, and respect him, then you will find the patience and understanding to help him through what will likely be a very difficult time.
If, on the other hand, you don't give a lick about him, and couldn't care whether or not you have any real respect for him, then, by all means, hide anything you want, you are certainly free to do so. However, you are not free to avoid the consequences when the house of cards you are building topples in the first stiff breeze that blows on the wrong part.
What would you ever do if someone else told him some choice bits about your past when you weren't able to be there to control the tone, rhythm, and delivery of that sort of news?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): I'm not sure if I agree with telling him about your past. Telling him you have a cureable STD is your choice, but it's really not any of his business what you have done in the past. Some people get really hung up on this, but in my opinion he does not need to know how many people you have slept with, so long as it does not reflect your relationship now. My boyfriend and I have an agreement not to tell each other anything about our sexual pasts, and it really makes it so much easier. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): I was in a very similar situation after a five year relationship I was in ended badly. I partied, drank a lot and slept around. I did not contract any std's, however, I did get pregnant. When I met my current boyfriend, I told him about my past. I did not give him graphic details, or specific numbers of previous partners, but I did tell him about the pregnancy. It was not an easy conversation to have, but I think it was an important one. I think you should talk to your boyfriend and let him know what happened. Be honest about the STD's, and let him know that you are taking the steps to treat them.
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A
female
reader, idetektiv +, writes (7 October 2009):
 No matter how ashamed you may be of your past, no good will come from hiding it. If you care about this guy, you'll tell him the truth.
You don't have to go into detail, but you should say that you have two STD's, and that they are curable. You can tell him you've made some mistakes in your past, but you've gone a long way, and really care about him.
If he is a true gentleman, he will look past whatever's been in your earlier days, and stay with you. Everyone has some regrets, and he's sure to have some too.
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