A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK, so here's my problem. I have been married to my husband for nearly a year now, we get on great and he is a total gent to me (most of the time), except when it comes down to sex. I have totally gone off it, I'm just not interested in it at all. My husband says he is OK with this and will wait till I'm ready but I feel like he is pressuring me in his own devious way. I have tried telling him that I haven't got an ON/OFF switch (I wish I did sometimes) and that I can't get aroused 'just like that'. Yet I am quite happy to pleasure myself, I will do this maybe 3-4 times a week when my husband is not around.Some nights I will end up pleasuring him just so that he will leave me alone.I have tried talking to him no end of time and he always says the same which is 'it's OK' or 'dont worry'.I just dont know what to do. Does this mean I dont love him anymore? Am I just being selfish? I would rather do it myself than have him touching me. We have regular cuddle's, and I really enjoy these, I have even tried a romantic meal, a few drinks, lights dimmed etc etc just to see if this would help but no such luck, as soon as it comes down to the nitty gritty I clam up and make my excuses.I just dont know how long he will wait. What is wrong with me? Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): hi me to im exactly the same except i dont pleasure myself, for me theres nothing there at all. Im still quite young which is why im so confused as to why i like this. Its good to no i not the only one in the world whos going through the same thing. The good thing about your situation is he nos how you feel and if he says he will wait thats great. Im made to feel guilty when i dont give my partner anything. At least you got a man that loves you.
A
female
reader, peaceprincess  +, writes (11 April 2008):
ummm, I wrote that last answer and im FEMALE!! Dont know why it say "a male reader" ?!?!?!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): I am in the exact same situation as you...When I read your letter it was like I had written it myself! I need answers as well....I dont think it has anything to do with him needing to pleasure me more...I couldnt be bothered if he touched me or not...I love my husband so so much and I want to fulfill his sexual needs, but like you, when it comes down to doing it I just clam up and make excuses. I feel like there is something wrong with me and its just a matter of time till he looks elsewhere which would break my heart but at this point I wouldnt bame him. No matter how much this wreaks my head I still have NO SEX DRIVE at all!!!
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A
female
reader, JulietteElise  +, writes (29 January 2007):
 nothing is wrong with you... what is wrong is that, from your letter at least, it seems as if your man dosun't take his time in trying to please you at all and wants to have sex without the proper forplay to get you aroused and ready. Women do take longer to get turned on, and perhaps he was never good at doing this, or has just gotten lazy, but whatever the reason it's not your fault. How can you look forward to sex when its not about you at all? It seems like its more about him, and this resentment, along with the knowlege that haveing sex will just be a more unsatisfing and perhaps depressing experience for you are natural in your situation. though you said you'd rather just masterbate yourself then haveing him touch you, perhaps this is because he is too rough, dousn't touch the right way/spots, or thinks that getting you off automatically means he should get off too. I'm a firm beliver that oral shouldn't be done unless both people in a relationship are willing to do it for eachother without expecting more. Women need to know they are loved and cared for, and a night were all his attention is spent on pleasureing you, without asking anything in return or guilting u into thinking he deserves soemthing for this "favor" will help your sexual self-essteem a lot. Unfortunitly, by pleaseing him just so you don't have to have sex, and also out of being scared of loseing him, you are makeing yourself more resentfull, and thus also sex and sexuality is becoming a chore and not as something fun or loveing. Don't feel bad for being depressed about this all, because i don't know any person who wouldn't feel the same. What you have to do is tell him HOW to make you feel good, tell him what things you like and don't like dureing sex, and have him (willllingly... if he complains or whatever else, then he's really doing this lack of sex to himself, it's not your fault if hes turning you off all the time!) do at least 20 mins to maybe even an hour of forplay to make sure you are wet, ready, willing, and actually horney. You need to feel sexy again, and this could perhaps be done through him complimenting you during every day activities, maybe buying some new lingerie, or just soacking in a relaxing bubble bath after a stressfull day of work. Alos, you two might want to recosider when you have sex, for even though bedtime might be the most convienant for two people who work, being stressed out and tired do not make for a very naturaly aroused time. Perhaps in the moring, or during a sensual shower/bath when you both are cleaning eachother, or waiting till the weekend would be best. Anytime when you feel awake and happy.... maybe even doing some quickies before dinner, etc in silly locations like a closet. You need passion again, for sex needs to be something fun again in your mind. However, what you need most, first, is knowing he loves you, respects you, and cares for you. Perhaps foot rubs, or other kind favors would help? Either way, even if you are shy about it, communication is key! you have to tell him EXACTLY what you need to be turned on (guys are a bit dim when it comes to this, so the more direct the better). Perhaps even roleplaying could help? If you feel you have lost all desire in general (which i don't think you have since you still masterbate) there are some medications that will make a women more horney. And i suppose there could be some medical conditions that are makeing you less horney.... depression and stress being the most obvious two. He obviosuly cares about you, or he wouldn't be telling you its okay, so please try to belive him and stop worrying how you could lose him over this, for this worrying is makeing it harder for you because it makes you feel pressured to proform. You are NOT being selfish, because you do care. You still love him, or, once again, you wouldn't care. And there is NOTHING wrong with you, for no women has ever had an "on/off switch." Going to a counslor/theripist might help you deal with your anxiety and low self-essteam, but there is nothing wrong with you, sex just hasn't been fun for you anymore because you feel more like it is up to you to immeditly proform and please him. please remember that sex is also about you and your pleasure, and tell your husband how he can please you best, maybe even by showing him while you masterbate. don't be emberessed, because you both love eachother, and honest communication, along with him showing his love for you throught the day, etc, is the way to get through this.
best wishes, i'm sure your're a wonderfull person or he wouldn't have wanted to marry you. :0)
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