A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there! Thanks for taking the time to read my question : )I am a recently single woman, just started dating again. It's been fun going on dates, but no matter how great the guy is I keep thinking about my friend. At first we just studied together with a few other classmates, but eventually we began hanging out after class. Mostly we just drink, play pool or arcade games, just generally have fun. When I broke up with my ex he listened to me and always cheered me up. He always texts me to ask how I'm doing and is really supportive. He has helped me through a rough time. But... He has a girlfriend, and he says he really cares about her but they have problems like most people. One night we were at a bar during jazz night and it was really loud by tthe bar, so we started leaning really close and it felt like I couldn't pretend that I didn't have feelings. There was a lot of sexual tension but nothing happened. The next time I saw him I told him how I felt. I told him that lately it doesn't feel like we're just two people hanging out, that the vibes feel different. I told him that I realized that I've never met his gf and don't want to. I told him that I'm sure she is great, but if that's true then why is he hanging out with me in this way? I suggested that we take a step back, that I want to do the right thing. I said maybe if things change I can hopefully be there in the future. He admitted being attracted me, and tried to say we could be friends.. I said no, I can't be his friend now because I have feelings for him. He was sad, but said I was right and that I was a great person who doesn't deserve to be "held in suspense to what is going to happen next." Then he hugged me and left. Now I feel so sad and I worry I will never see him again. Did I do the right thing? What should I do? Do you think he will be honest with his gf and contact me eventually?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 June 2017):
 Yes you did do the right thing. Once a friendship crosses over to romantic feelings it is over. I am not sure how he feels about you or will he act on your feelings and contact you, but you have done the right thing. I do find it strange that you are such close friends yet you have never met his girlfriend. Honestly you need to make time for yourself now, try and keep yourself busy and don't be waiting by the phone for him to choose, because he may actually love his girlfriend.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2017): Yes, you did the right thing. Without a doubt.
He now KNOWS how you feel. He KNOWS you stepped back out of RESPECT for his current relationship and out of respect for yourself.
If he really cares about you and if his relationship with the GF is really over, he will come and find you. And he will respect you all the more for not imposing on his current relationship. Women like this are hard to find nowadays. So, be proud of yourself. You are a rare jewel. And do not second guess a single thing. I do not agree at all with Tia Maria. You would be placing yourself in a very bad position if you went forward and pursued him, especially now that you have stood your ground. It would make you look bad and weak. So, don't. As hard as it is, leave him alone.
The next move is his to make.
In the meantime, don't pine for him. Get out and live life.
Whatever is meant to be will be.
Let me share the story of how I met my husband.
He, too had a girlfriend when we first met. And he and I had this pretty crazy chemistry going on between us. It was pretty obvious to us and to everyone around us. He was the best man and I was the maid of honour at his cousin and my best friend's wedding. His girlfriend was actually at the wedding too. He later told me that relationship was not going well and he did not see a future with her. Which explains his attraction to me. It turns out she was cheating on him with her boss.
I did not call him after that day even though I knew we had this instant connection. I cried after the wedding ended and deeply felt his absence. But he was not mine. Later on he told me he went to my work to hope to run into me. Lol And stuff like that. Eventually, he called me about 3 months later and we went out for dinner. The rest is history. He told me he wasn't with his girlfriend anymore. He also told me he had strong feelings for me, which made him rethink the relationship he was in. Although that relationship was on its last legs anyway.
The point is he came back to me. And we started the relationship on the right footing. Neither of us cheated and there was never an issue of trust between us. To this day, I trust him with my life. And it is so hard to find men you can trust, period. Had he started pursing me when he was with her, it would have been different. I might have lost respect for him. And had I pursued him, and maybe even started a relationship with him while taken, I would have resented myself and it would have made me feel bad about the person I was.
I believe if thing are meant to be, he will find you once he is single again. You need to be strong and let him go for now. But live life. I did just that. And my phone rang three months later. You may get your happy ending like I did. You might not. You will be fine just the same.
But the decision is not yours to make.
You did a very mature thing.
Stick to your guns!
Trust me, it is no fun being the other woman. It would end up badly for you. You have spared yourself a world of pain. And you have spared another woman similar pain.
Keep your head held high.
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A
female
reader, Tia Maria +, writes (21 June 2017):
No-you didn't. It sounds like you have feelings for each other, go back a long way and are well suited. Unless the girlfriend and him have kids, or have lived together for a long time I would get back in contact with him somehow and somehow try and start dating him-life's too short,I say go for it
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2017): Yes you did the best thing. It was unselfish, and you have very strong character.
Attraction isn't necessarily romantic-love. Sexual-tension is often mistaken for love. Your familiarity, history, and spending time together would give-way to sexual-curiosity. Often explored, only to find-out later that it wasn't what it was expected to be. He would have risked far too much, just following an impulse or curiosity. Or cheating would have tainted the whole situation.
I'm not going to even consider or contemplate what "could happen" in the future; because that isn't what you should be relying on.
Such thinking would be based on the hope his relationship fails for your own benefit and convenience. It would be hoping against hope, if it never happens. It would be placing your life on-hold waiting; when destiny may have better plans for you.
Sometimes people form emotional-bonds and attraction that works-out better in theory, than when put into practice. Meaning, you might have a brief romance; and determine you were just hot for each other. The chemistry was based on the wrong emotions and circumstances. Then he would have broken his girlfriend's heart, you would have been a home-wrecker; and there would have been no winners.
A big "maybe" isn't enough to gamble on, when he is already taken. His residual-feelings for her; and guilt alone, would complicate things. She might have put-up a good fight that you couldn't have won. Everyone tends to rule-out or under-estimate the actions of the third-person out. Like they just stand-by, and anything goes. If life was only that simple!
You don't have to go after anyone who belongs to someone else; when there are plenty of eligible-men out there for your choosing. Whom are more than likely better for you than he is.
You have to readjust your mindset to recognize and respect boundaries; when people are already committed to someone else. Some lines shouldn't be crossed. Simply because; we have to control what we feel and what we want, due to the consequences that may result.
The forbidden-fruit is tempting, and our sense of entitlement lies and tells us we deserve it more than the person who has it. Well, what goes around comes around.
When the same comes our way; we will not feel the one who took from us is as justified. We protest in the harshest ways about the injustice. That's hypocritical!
Choosing the higher road isn't easy, but it is the better choice. For so many reasons not considered when impulses over-rule common-sense and our values.
It then keeps your karma on the right path; so you don't have to later feel the sting of someone coming along and stealing someone you've given your heart to. It hurts worse for a thief, when the thief is a victim of the same crime!
You might feel regret based on what could have been. Not what you know for certain. He stands a better chance with the person he's with. He knows thus far, what the dividends are worth, for the investment he has made in his current relationship. You at this point, would be a gamble. He might have turned-out to be your greatest disappointment.
You will be rewarded for the wiser decision. You just don't see it now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 June 2017):
 Yes, you did the right thing. FOR both of you.
You wouldn't have liked it one bit if he was your BF getting a little too close with another girl, right?
Don't BE "that" girl. The one that doesn't give a flying fart about other people's relationships.The one who "settles" for little romantic or emotional crumbs from a guy who is unavailable.
I think taking a break from hanging out is a good thing. If he really care about his GF and you, he will realize it's right.
If he has issues with the GF, THAT is on him to fix or walk away from. A guy who "adds" another woman to the mix - basically line up the next GF before he even ends his "bad" relationship - well, he will do it to the next girl too.
You COULD have avoided some of the emotional drama by recognizing that 1. he HAS a GF and 2. I have some feelings for him, sooner and NOT informed him about how you feel (that only gives a guy the upper hand). Instead just step away and be unavailable, it's not like you HAVE to explain anything to him. He is a friendly acquaintance who you are slightly attracted to.
Now if you are really asking "will he dump his GF and come chase me?"... Who knows but that might not end great for you as you MIGHT be the rebound. So think about that.
If you can meet one great guy, you can find another - one that is single. Because you obviously know what personality and traits that you find attractive.
Don't settle for waiting for another woman's BF. Get out there and live life.
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