A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 12 years and have 2 young children, a boy and a girl with my wife.At my work, there is a woman who works for me that I have grown fond of over the years and in recent months I have admitted to her that I had feelings for her, but I would never cheat on my wife.My co-worker has never told me whether or not she has feelings too, and I don't even want to know. She herself has been married about a year, so who knows.After I had admitted how I felt, I thought I would feel better. But I ended up feeling worse. The truth is supposedly supposed to set you free, but then again, some things are better left unsaid.I talked it out a lot with this other woman, and during that time, her and I got to be better friends than we were before. She never criticized me for how I felt, nor did she try to take advantage (for example asking for raises or expecting special treatment).I told my wife about my feelings, and I told my employee (we will call her "Jane" to avoid wordiness)that my wife was aware.To complicate things further, Jane and my wife have been friends for a long time (she even got the job because she was a friend of my wife's from college). My wife started to get nasty toward Jane, not directly confronting her on it, until Jane told my wife that nothing was going on and then peace followed afterwards.I have gotten over it in the sense that yes, I do sometimes still have feelings, but I am not in anger over "not being able to have her" like I was before. That is the only way I can reconcile it in my mind. I don't think I can change how I feel once the floodgates have opened. She is a great person that I have a lot in common with and no matter what I feel or don't feel it is an objective reality that this person would have been a good match for me if I had never met my wife.Jane is getting transferred to another department as a result of of someone else retiring and will have another boss in a few months. I think things will be a lot easier for me then. But she will still be friends with my wife and I will still see her sometimes. Jane does seem to want to continue being friends with me, even after she is no longer working for me.I have mixed feelings. I talk to her a lot on the phone during non working hours and she really seems to enjoy all of our conversations. The whole issue of my crush has not been a topic of conversation for at least 2 months now, but it did come up again recently when we had lunch together and she gave me a hug but said "don't worry, I won't tell your wife that I hugged you." I told Jane not to worry, that my wife and I are both over this (Jane has hugged both me and my wife on other occasions, even before all this crazy stuff started).I am also afraid. If I ever let her go from employment, there could be repercussions of sexual harassment, but I don't know the laws in my state. If I simply stop being friends with her, there could be repercussions with my wife if Jane is upset with me. My wife does not want to lose her as a friend and she said to me "If I lose Jane as a friend over this, it will be a long time before I could forgive you, if ever".There is a part of me that just wants to be free of all this, and there is a part of me that wants to keep this person in my life. I am never going to have sex with this woman, I know that for sure.I feel so guilty for ever having opened my mouth. Having feelings for others than your spouse is one thing, but saying something is another. And if this woman ever had feelings for me, then confessing mine to her but essentially saying "you will never have me because I am married" could have really hurt her if she did.This could really blow up in my face. I want to prevent that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJane quit her job amicably. I told her to keep all the things I lent her (as I don't want her coming around again to return them) and I mailed her last paycheck.
I have taken up a new pursuit: fiction writing. I have found that any emotional needs and wants that are not fulfilled by my spouse are fulfilled in that, and since I have started, its turing out to be a promising pursuit in itself with many other rewards. It gives me purpose, and keeps my eye from wandering.
So relieved.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLastly, your post saying I am contradicting myself is not actual advice. Read it again. Advice does not contain assumptions (like you are going around telling women you love them).
Advice also should lead to a resolution of the problem. And there is nothing in what you wrote that solves anything. This is just your ranting at me for what you THINK is happening. You lost objectivity.
I am not exonerating myself of anything. I am saying, however, that I don't want to participate in this game anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBanshee, I don't have a double standard. It would be a double standard if I said it was OK for me to have a lot of close female friends and that it is wrong for her to have a lot of close male friends.
First of all, I don't have a lot of close female friends. Second, I am not saying that she is WRONG to have a lot of close male friends, its just something I would be uncomfortable with.
As far as "saying what I want to hear" there are a lot of posters who are telling me that I was selfish and wrong and I agree with them. Your posting has a completely different character to it.
This last post is the kind of roundabout talking that someone makes when they simply cannot admit they made an error.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Banshee:
There is no contradiction. I used to feel she would have been a good match for me, when I originally wrote my post. Now that I am "growing out of the problem" I am re-evaluating the scene. Um, if I can't change my mind, then how am I supposed to solve anything in life at all, much less this? Its only a contradiction if the two statements occur at the same time. And while I was in my "fog" about her, I overlooked this aspect about her. I am becoming more aware of her, and myself.
And I told a WOMAN that I had feelings for her. I don't go around telling WOMEN this. This one got under my skin, and that is all.
Do you think that MAYBE there might be something about her that makes it OK with HER to have all sorts of men in her life, and that she likes the attention? Its a way of life for her, not me.
This is not advice. This is criticism, illogical and nonfactual.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor reasons that should belong in another post, I will probably not stay married to my wife. Jane is not as much of a problem as she is a symptom.
And Jane will not be the "next one" anyway. What happened lacked integrity for both of us.
And Jane has scores of close male friends that she is very close to. I would not want a woman like that and I don't envy her husband one bit.
What happened was wrong.
I never met her without my wife's knowledge, and the reason my wife was not with me at our last meeting is because she did not want to come along. I was going to bring up the subject of her transfer and my wife did not want to be in on that meeting.
I have only had lunches with her alone 3 times before, and it was for business purposes. I just shook her hand afterwards. It was only on this last time that she said "I want to hug you, don't worry, I won't tell your wife". And then she said she wanted to meet with me regularly. Up until then, I thought my feelings were only a one-way thing to her, and not back to me. Then I realized just how dangerous this could get if she actually had feelings for me too.
I thought the thing that was keeping me safe was that a woman like her would never be attracted to me.
I won't have any more meetings of any sort alone with her, and I am keeping my conversations strictly business. After her transfer, it is not likely I will speak to her at all.
Leaving my job is next to impossible, but someday I will be able to if I can train a replacement.
In the meantime, whether I have a good marriage or not, I am not getting emotionally involved with anyone strictly as a matter of restoring my integrity.
Thank you all for your posts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): Maybe you did this to your wife to get even with her, I don't know, but what you both need to do now is cut this woman out of you life as she has done with her ex. I'm not sure if her ex was ever a threat to your marriage but this woman is, so if you want to stay married talk to your wife about it and tell her it's best for neither of you to have contact with her anymore.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (16 January 2012):
 OK,
Birdy covered it but I am going to let you have it from the man's side.
You had an affair. You are still in the "affair fog". You believe that you can maintain the friendship without slipping further into the emotional affair. The fact that your affair has not proceeded to the physical level is no evidence that it won't. You are still in danger. You are in danger of having another affair. Affairs are addictive.
You need to face this fact. You need to adjust your life to protect your self. (yes be selfish it is the strongest motivator) Protect yourself from a life time of sorrow and regret by willingly imposing limits that will keep you out of the trouble you can get into.
number one. You will not have lunch dates with the other woman. You will not have any dates with her. You will not have long conversations with her. You will cut off those conversations yourself. You will not drive her home or anywhere else. Should an emergency arise, you will go get your wife or have her drive her.
Number two. You will give your email and facebook and other passwords to your wife. You will let her look through your phone regularly. you will tell her about every conversation you have with the other woman. You will not hide things from your wife. Total transparency.
Number three. You will admit to yourself and others that you have a problem and you will seek help to overcome it.
You think that your wife is telling you to remain friends with the other woman when she warns you "If I lose Jane as a friend over this, it will be a long time before I could forgive you, if ever", Sir, you are not getting the whole message. If you and "Jane" stay close and the affair restarts or progresses, if you continue to do things with "Jane" like hugging that "Jane" has to hide from your wife, that will poison their friendship. Your foolishness has got you into an affair with your wife's friend. You broke the code. As a result you will have to work even harder to solve this. It is your mess and your responsibility. You also broke the code about relationships at work. You are extremely lucky that she got transferred. What your wife is telling you is that it is OK for her to be friends with "Jane" It is not OK for you. And since this is your fault, "Jane" had better not get fired.
I hope I have been crystal clear on this.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy wife is not completely clean here. She stayed in business with her ex-boyfriend well into our marriage and they had a very volatile business relationship after she and I got married. He would, every once in awhile tell her that he still had feelings for her. But that did not end the business relationship. They don't speak any more. Its quite a relief.
My situation is more complex than can be easily imagined. I left a lot out simply because I don't want to write a book on this site. Maybe I need to write a book for myself just to get some closure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): No, you shouldn't remain friends in this case it would be best to cut ties and recommit yourself to your family.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis was selfish, I agree.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (16 January 2012):
 WE ALL run into people that we are attracted to - even after we are married. That is humans and normal. Marriage is a Choice. This is a fantasy. It is a feeling. NOT EVERY FEELING SHOULD BE ACTED ON.
You are a married dad.
I can't imagine the shit hitting the fan any more than it already has, but if you truly need to rectify the situation - extricate yourself from it.
It's what you owe your wife after what you have put her through. What you did is have an emotional affair in front of your whole office and I can't even imagine how hurt your wife is after this.
You have expressed YOUR feelings all very well, but I haven't seen much awareness of how you have impacted anyone else's life here - it's been pretty much me-me-me.
Look for another place to work far away from where this woman is and count on leaving any friendship with this woman behind as well. Sorry.
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