A
female
age
41-50,
*gonized
writes:I know I will seem like a very selfish person but I need some advice. I am a 28 year old mother of two daughters and I have a wonderful husband who would do ANYTHING for me. He has always been respectful and tried to show his love. He is also a wonderful father. Our marriage has evolved from a romantic relationship to one of what it seems to be best friends. When I felt it was coming to this I tried to tell him something was missing and I was lonely, but nothing changed. Last January I was with anther man which has evolved into an affair. We have now fallen in love but he says he can't only have just a part of me anymore, that he wants all of me. He has also told me that he doesn't want to be the reason for my divorce and that I should only leave if I am truly unhappy with my marriage. The problem is is that I feel that I really want to leave because I love this other man so much and can envision a wonderful life with him. My feelings for him may be clouding my judgment about my marriage. I have also been told to think about my children and their happiness, but I feel if I stay in a loveless marriage I may start to resent them. Do all marriages come to this? Does it change and get better? Will I be able to forget about this other may and fall in love with my husband again?? WHAT SHOULD I DO????
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affair, best friend, divorce Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): Yes... you ARE selfish. I would give up ten years of my life, to have a man like your husband. Trade you mine for yours.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): Take a break for a moment from the romance.
I posted this elsewhere, then noticed your post as well.
Get some good help from a counselor. Not a "friend", unless they are "friends of the marriage" and not just "friends". Friends can't be what you need in this type of situation, unless they are "friends of the marriage".
Really, kids bring stress and life does as well, exhaustion, fatigue of all types, and questions we don't understand till we look at them in retrospect, with depression, anxiety, insecurity, and other issues that pile on to us all.
TALK...TRY TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER BETTER THAN BEFORE.
Work through it TOGETHER. Talk, if it doesn't go well then talk some more, try it again, again, again.
I've been there, and you want to do this TOGETHER.
If talking doesn't work, do it again, then again, then again with help as well. BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER AND WORK TO BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER.
I've been there.
My wife felt the same way, I was working "all the time" (well, I had a full time job and had kids, wife, home, bills to pay) and she felt she was not attractive enough, and she felt she wasn't enough to keep me, and it was all my fault that the spark was gone and she wasn't happy. She tried to work through it alone, with "friends", which made it worse as she got advice from folks that simply had to much trouble in their own relationships to see straight about mine and hers, and they were more than happy to see another marriage crumble which made them feel better about their own troubled relationships.
And, she loved me, which made it more painful for her.
So she left for another man who had lots of spark to bring to their relationship, who thought she was "hot" (I thought she was hot and told her that but she didn't believe it), "smart" (I thought she was smart and told her that but she didn't believe it), and "interesting" (which I also thought but she didn't believe).
So, did I look any better from the other side of the fence? No, I looked even worse. I looked like Hell.
I still had wife, kids, job, home, and to top it off I had the stress of losing the person that I loved more than anything or anyone else in the world to an affair partner who was everything that I wasn't (available in the afternoons because he wasn't working full time and not working at all some days, smiling, cheerful and garrulous, liked drinking, married to another woman who was the main breadwinner in the home so he didn't have to work so much, and more).
Luckily, for me it ended well, as one day she looked into the mirror and realized that even though she had left me, which made my job/home life even harder, I was still working to pay the bills, still helping to take care of my kids (with her helping as well), still getting out of bed in the middle of the night to help nurse sick kids and then going to work exhausted and then coming home the same way but still helping with homework, and still tired, still without the spark that people talk about (on my end I hadn't even had time for an affair or new relationship if I'd wanted one because of my family obligations).
Then she came back, she told me about the various "friends" advice, and a lot more in counseling.....two different "friends" suggested I might be having an affair since I was tired all the time (job, several kids, 4 hours of commuting each day, and faced with losing my job several times due to budget issues...who had time for an affair)....which was painful to hear, and more painful to tell.
When she learned the bare truth, not that I'd been secretive, which she hadn't really understood at the time (I had refused to do work that would have taken me away even more from my family and was on the verge of being fired for several weeks before I had to relent in order to save my job so we wouldn't lose our home and had been under attack at work for months due to major departmental upheavals and several of my superiors had lost their jobs which put me at great risk, I'd told her about those people being terminated but hadn't told her about how fine a line I was on because I didn't want her to worry) she felt worse, and actually contemplated suicide because of what had happened. But, again, I hadn't told her just how terribly bad things had been at work. So...TALK.
Don't make that mistake. Tell each other everything. TALK and UNDERSTAND and LISTEN.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): dont mess up what u have. because if ur husbannd will do anything for u and he became your best friend, u have something good. if you want it to be more romantic, take the initiative to do so. add some sparks, like going on dates, going dancing, bring something new in the bedroom. that "feeling" which is a "now feeling" is going to ruin u, ur husband and ur children. Do u know how many women would like to have a man who would do anything for them and respect them.... u r not in love with this other guy, u r in LUST..... lust many times manifest itself like love. Please understand that a respectful man who knows u r married would not be having an affair with u, or tell u "he wants all of u, but doesnt want to cause ur divorce" .... if u make the mistake of divorcing ur husband for this man u will regret it. and you need to stop this affair because ur husband and children do not deserve this .... that is very selfish on ur part. and what kind of example of a woman or mother are u giving to ur children!
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A
female
reader, Nime  +, writes (9 October 2010):
 "I really want to leave because I love this other man so much and can envision a wonderful life with him."
Did you not feel like this with your husband once upon a time?
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