A
male
age
51-59,
*onynkim
writes:My name is Tony. Im 36 years old and id have to be one of the biggest idiots out. I have been married to my wife for nearly 14 years. We are the proud parents of 3 beautiful children. My wife and I have been together as a couple for 20 years. For the past 4-5 years I have done nothing but self destruct and ruin a beautiful marriage by stupid behaviour. Firstly a few years ago I had an emotional affair with a girl I worked with. Why or what lead to this Im not sure. Things seemed fine at home. There was never anything sexual with this girl. So as sex was never involved I refused for a long time to believe that it was actually an affair. But I have learnt that affairs can take place in all shapes and manners. And I believe emotional ones are deadly. I no longer work or have contact with this person. After this surfaced I moved away from home and my wife and I worked on our marriage with he help of marriage counsellors and also a psychologist. When I did eventually come home my wife set out some ground rules which I tried to follow. But sadly I resented them as I was still under the belief I hadn’t had a serious affair. Yes this was a mistake on my behalf. My wife was very insecure for a long time and wasn’t totally helped by me pushing her and hoping she could recover quickly and we could move on.Early in 2008 my wife meet a lady in my sons U9’s soccer team. I was the coach. Immediately alarm bells rang in her head. She had a gut feeling about this person and warned me against her. As I didn’t think there was a problem I refused to or I guess ignored my wife’s initial instinct and I carried on. This caused a divide in our relationship. It stopped my wife from watching our son play as this person in the team caused her serious insecurities. One night we had a coach/manages meeting and I lied to my wife about my whereabouts and was subsequently caught out. My wife was gutted and all the work we had done to rebuild our marriage was bushed further back. I stayed away from home for a few nights and to my wife’s credit she allowed me to come home on the condition that I change teams in 2009. I will admit it was hard in letting go of the team as I thought my wife could try for our son’s sake. This is where I learnt how selfish I actually was. But thankfully I came to my senses and I moved to a new team in 2009. It is only U10 soccer after all. When I think of it now I can’t believe I was fighting with my wife over U10 soccer. She didn’t deserve this heartache. My latest and very last incident ever took place early this year. I went out to a friends going away party. While sitting with a close mate a group of girls asked us to join them. They were at the same party. While drinking and talking I was seen acting in a stupid way with one of the girls. Im not 100% clear on what I did. But please don’t think Im blaming alcohol. I know that at the end of the day I have to be accountable for my actions. I can remember talking to this person about my wife, my children, I showed her a photo of my family. I showed her my wife’s name which I wear proudly tattooed on my arm. I honestly thought I displayed or at least made it clear I was married and happy. Yet I somehow managed to let me guard down and I acted wrong. My wife was told by her close friend that we were sitting too close. She said that this person ran her hand up my back while I stood at the bar waiting service. She said I touched or groped her breast. And that this person had kissed me. I honestly can’t remember the night all that well and I haven’t denied any of this to my wife. Im not proud of what I did. Im not proud that I can’t remember. And as I said I won’t blame drinking. I take ownership for this. Im ashamed of myself.When this all came to light my wife was just devastated and she asked me to leave immediately. Which I did. As this was on a Sunday I just drove around lost. On the Monday morning I went to see my therapist. I was an emotional mess. She made and immediate booking for me and my very first words to her were ‘why do I keep hurting my wife’ We spoke for 2 hours that day about these incidents and ways I could deal with them in my head. I made a promise to myself that I would work as hard as I could to rediscover the real me. The man who made his beautiful wife happy all the years earlier. While seeing my therapist she has diagnosed me as suffering an attachment disorder. And on top of that depression. I saw my local GP and it was his diagnosis for the depression. He is under the belief I have suffered it for quite a few years. The attachment disorder is something my therapist touched on a few years earlier. But as I wasn’t really interested in sorting that out then, I was more focused on dealing with my marriage problems. Had I realised that this may have been an underlying issue I would have worked on it. But again no, I was being selfish and I just wanted a bandaid solution. My therapist puts a lot of my behaviour down to my upbringing. My wife is aware and has been aware of these problems for a few years. She has begged me to do something about it. Im not sure if it’s a man thing but I kept avoiding it ? At first I thought YES I have an answer. But today as I sit here I personally believe that it can contribute, but it can’t solely be the reason or even an excuse. Im not trying to use this disorder or depression as an excuse. But I feel it’s a small explanation.Today I take full responsibility for everything I have ever done to hurt my wife. I do love her and I certainly don’t want this to be the end of our relationship together. I feel as a man I am weak and have issues in controlling my boundaries. I was never aware of this previously. In my time away from my family I have been to therapy and Im at a point where she has basically said Tony you don’t need to come back as your answering your own questions and she’d not picking up on any emotions that need dealing with. So that’s positive. I haven’t taken medication for my depression as yet. Im dealing with that the best I can and hope to avoid medication completely. I have read 4 books. The best being ‘Manhood’ I realised after finishing it I have issues with saying no and Im easily mislead. The book also helped me discover how to connect with my dad. I only meet my dad when I was 18 and contact between us isn’t that great. I have never really had a solid man influence in my life ever. When I tried to talk to my mum a few weeks back she laughed at me. That very second there and then I accepted my mum is who she is and I just have to lose the resentment feeling I have towards her and move on. I am ok with that now. I am learning each day to be stronger and to avoid influences. I do keep myself aware of boundaries and Im always watching myself and my mannerism to ensure I understand myself. Im reading, talking, writing and doing all I can to learn about relationships, trust, forgiveness. Im leaving no stone unturned in being a better me. And more importantly Im happy to do this as Im becoming a better man and Im hopefully losing the selfishness that I carry around.I have had to grow up and I have had to do so really fast. I miss my wife and id love nothing more than to rebuild what it was we had before. Im aware that trust is going to be next to impossible to regain. But in saying that I still want nothing more than to try. I realise now that Im selfish. I realise I have issues in my head that I have had to deal with them. I accept that I should have listened to my wife and not fight her feelings or thoughts. I have learnt that ownership for past problems is a massive step to take. And I Tony take ownership of my problems, and my past. Im not perfect. I tried to be even when I knew there were problems. I built a massive facade around me and I went through life with blinkers on. My wife said to me recently that all she ever wanted was Love, Devotion and Trust. Why didn’t I see that? Or why did I lose sight of that. It’s all any of us want. I can’t sit here now and make promises to my wife as I have done previously. I know she see’s me in repair mood now and thinks it’s the same old pattern. I can’t change that. Writing to her is all I have some days. I don’t have a big support network around me and I fear if I don’t contact her she’ll forget me .I sincerely think that Im way more understanding of not only her emotions, but also mine. Im not lost or confused. I just want to stop feeling selfish and to ask is forgiveness, trust or even another chance to much to achieve. To my beautiful wife, Kim, I hope that one day you can read this and you can see past the same old Tony things and maybe see that I am trying to understand why I do what I do. I won’t make promises to you as I have broken the before. But I will say I will never ever put myself in a position where my boundaries are threatened. I will never rest or become complacent. You are aware of my history and you still have always given me and our family your 100% + love and attention. For that I thank you and I hope you will allow me this one more chance to prove I have finally learnt.Tony.
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affair, insecure, move on, tattoo Reply to this Question
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male
reader, tonynkim +, writes (11 February 2009):
tonynkim is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have found that with a therapy you can just let it all out. There are no secrets in that room that's for sure. And the answers you hear are 99.9% all your own. Without therapy id not be where I am mentally and physically today. Im not 100% as Im missing my wife by my side. But Im taking positive steps for not only me, but hopefully my wife too. Years ago I was afraid to go to see a therapist as I didn't want to hear the truth. I believe that to this day. It takes a big heart and the will to want to save and learn to make you want to go. I was always under the impression my problems would go away or I would resolve them. I was wrong. My wife asked me to go the first time and she has tried to encourage me to continue. I ignored her calls for help and look at the mess I ended up creating. Therapy is not for everyone. Especially if your in a very negative state of mind. You really have to go on your own accord and you want to have the will to better yourself. I am currently changing therapist. I have been seeing a lady and now Im searching for a male. With my female therapist I hit a wall. And as happy as she was with the progress I made. I feel I can learn more about myself. So for my sake Im going to continue what I believe to be the final stage of therapy with a males help. There my thoughts anyway. Tony.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2009): Tony, I hope you can recover from this - and that you and Kim can rebuild your relationship. I just wanted to let you know that I found your post quite interesting - my husband was unfaithful also and I have found myself wanting to have some insight into how he might feel about it all in the aftermath. I believe he was in 'self destruct' mode too. There were a few things you wrote about that I think you and my husband have in common.I feel like I can understand some of the issues/motivations that led to my husbands affair - but there's alot I don;t understand - and probably never will. I so wish he would see a counsellor - I have been asking him to and after reading your post I am more determined to push for this - I believe he is truly sorry for what he did, but I think he lacks insight into himself/his actions...the issues in his head too. My greatest fear is that if he does not take steps to address these he will find himself in the same head space he was in when he was so reckless with all our lives, and that I will be hurt again.Can I ask you how you came to take the step to see a therapist? I guess all you can do is keep trying to grow and learn from your mistakes, keep letting Kim know how you feel about her, and try to be the best dad you can be! Best of luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2009): Well sounds like you are doing all the right things to move on from your affairs; it's up to you to continue to do the right things and hopefully through time, counselling and soul searching, your wife will forgive you. You can't rush the process though, it's up to her to decide when she feels comfortable enough to trust you. The only thing you can control is your own behavior, so be transparent with all that you do, be honest, and keep a clear head. Focus on your wife and your marriage, not what other women have to offer you. Guaranteed that none of these women are worth a dime compared to your wife who has stood by you throughout all these years. Don't get sidetracked.Good luck. Flynn- you don't have a very nuanced idea of what affairs are. An emotional affair can take a sexual turn very easily, and the result can be worse than just a one night stand with a drunken slut you pick up at a bar, as you have forged a deep emotional connection with them already, it's basically like having a second girlfriend.
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A
male
reader, tonynkim +, writes (11 February 2009):
tonynkim is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFlynn that's what I thought at first. An affair can be emotion, online, texting. Seriously.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2009): If you didn't have sex, or kiss or anything, it's not an affair.Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2009): HiI wish you luck...the thing i like about your post is More often than not we never ADMIT when we are wrong...this is a great way to start recovery and knowing oneself.WE CAN NOT GROW... IF WE LIE TO OURSELVES and others.You may have learnt what is (real) and meaningful, and who knows maybe your beautiful wife can forgive you...i hope so.Via con diosP.s never give up hope and truth often wins.
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