A
male
age
51-59,
*ustumguy
writes:I am not proud of my affair. I am not that kind of a person. She and I met at work and became close. Her marriage was on the rocks, she has 1 kid and I was living away from my wife and daughter for various reasons. It just happened, first emotionally, and then it was consummated. She finally divorced from her husband and asked me to marry her. Of course I could not, I am so sorry that I cannot, but I also blame myself for being in this situation. I do not want to lead her on anymore, though I know in my heart I really really love her. I should give her all the opportunity in life to meet a man who will be with her everyday of her life and who would be a good father to her daughter. I let her go and did not contact her for awhile... Fully knowing that I will suffer for this later. I feel rotten inside, but I knew we will only be in an endless spiral if we continue the way we were doing. I know she hated me, she had to hate me so that she would let go. I tried to contact her again to see how she was doing... and of course she hates me. That is fine, it had to be that way. I believe she has moved on, anger is a powerful motivator. But what do I do now with myself. I try to find comfort in the fact that I did the right thing, but now I feel empty, and sometimes even foolish for letting her go. I have enough discipline to see this through and will not bother her again. But how do you deal with the emptiness... My life has not been the same without her... and will be this way forever. HELP.
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affair, at work, divorce Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): You married your wife for a reasonYou left your mistress for a reason.... the effects of the affair will still bog u down from time to time. At least u did not string her along. You released her. And with that u released your soul and the lies and the half truths.Be the best father u can be to your daughter.Have u decided about your wife and yourself?LoveGirl
A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE  +, writes (20 June 2011):
 if you no longer love your wife you should get a divorce
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): I think your lack of self awareness drove you to make the wrong decision. I think you have a matyr complex, at least that's what comes across in your post. You feel that you have to stay in your marriage even though it sounds like you really want to be with someone else instead.
I think you should have divorced your wife, not ended things with the other woman. You obviously love the other woman. And she got divorced and asked you to do the same, to come clean so you two can be honest about your true feelings and be together out in the open honestly, and stop living the lie. She also wanted to stop living the lie, as you did.
But instead, your idea of ending the lie was to break up with her, when you obviously love her and had led her to believe that you do. And yet you make no mention of your wife at all in this post (other than to say that you have one) indicating that you probably don't love your wife.
so ask yourself - why did you give up true love, for a loveless marriage? why do you think that was the right thing to do?
I think you are to be commended for trying to do the right thing which is to not be in an affair anymore.. but I think that for your situation, the right way out would have been to divorce your wife. That's being honest about things. Instead you've ended one lie (the affair) but you're still continuing another (your loveless marriage). that's probably why you feel so empty, it's because deep down inside you know you didn't really do the "right" thing after all....??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2011): Maybe you should start by evaluating your feelings and being honest with yourself. Why did you begin the affair? Do you still love your wife? Do you want to work on your marriage or do you want to end it? If you no longer love your wife, what is making you stay? Are you hoping that your feelings toward your wife will change?You make it sound like you don't really want your wife, but you feel obligated to her. Not saying that you shouldn't feel obligated to stay. However, you should also feel obligated not to hang on to her if you know you don't want her. I think you should spend some time to evaluate your feelings and be honest with yourself. Try to figure out ways to solve the problems in your marriage if the 2 of you want to work it out.Maybe you can fill the emptiness by spending time with your daughter as every one else suggests. If that isn't possible it might help to find some place to volunteer, or pick up a hobby, or keep a journal, or learn something new. Try to spend more time getting to know yourself. Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (18 June 2011):
 The right thing would have been to avoid consummating your 'relationship' in the first place, the right thing would have been to be wary of your feelings for this woman. But now, not only have you jeopardized your relationship with your wife and your daughter, you have devastated the life of another. The right thing would have been being honest with your wife and telling her that you developed feelings for another woman. A task nobody ever wishes to attempt but it is necessary.
Nowhere in what you wrote have you stated your exact intentions from here. What of your wife and your daughter? You obviously carry so much love for that other woman, it has started gushing from your very words. Do you love your wife at all anymore? I suggest you divorce her and focus on being a father to your daughter, perhaps then your life will not be so empty.
Hopefully you've learned your lesson well, hopefully with time all broken hearts will mend.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (18 June 2011):
 It didn't 'just happen" lol. You made a conscious choice to cheat on your wife. You are in the Fog but the best thing you can do is own your actions and be honest with your wife. You lost any right to determine the future of your marriage once you cheated, it is out of your hands...Man up!Get rid of the fantasy and accept the consequences foe what you have done. Of course did you think about the possibility of now exposing your wife to STD's? Get yourself checked,and get some IC too. Try thinking about your wife and the vows you broke..
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 June 2011):
 Why couldnt you commit to her? its a bit confusing.
You said you were living away from your wife...have you gone back to your wife?
Are you trying to save your marriage?
Do you love your wife?
If you are living with your wife and you want to commit to her and your child, you probably need to seek marital guidance because all the time this 'other woman' is on your mind (which she obviously is) you are never going to put things right with your wife.
If your marriage has ended and you have tried everything to save it then maybe it is time for you to get a divorce.
You need to back off from the 'other woman' for now and not contact her. She has to accept some of the responsibility of getting involved with a married man and she will have to deal with that in her own way, but you need to leave her alone and make no contact.
You seem to be living in a mess and it's clear you are in pain over this but you have a child...maybe it's time you focussed on her a little more and that will help ease your emptiness.
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