A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi! I had a very bad experience of my first marriage of 1 week! I asked for divorce and am still a virgin, that's how bad my experience was. Anyways my problem is that now I can't seem to trust anyone! Everyone says that not everyone is like your previous husband and in-laws but seriously if any proposals come for me it gets really nasty for me. I get so upset, nervous, anxious, suspicious and angry that i made everyone in my family unhappy! I feel so afraid for no reason! I know i shouldn't upset my parents especially my mother since she is a cancer survivor and has a heart disease! I feel so ashamed to make my mother sad and unhappy but what can I do? I have develop this really bad phobia of marriage and relationship! I am doing my pH.D and I am happy in my life as a single woman but i just can't stand seeing my parents unhappy because of me. Please can someone help me see reason because i just can't seem to trust anyone now!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, BE125  +, writes (22 September 2015):
I think I'll address your fears and maybe that will lead you to other conclusions. Being married for only one week is certainly not a typical scenario. It is abnormal to say the least. But I think that abnormality works in your favor because you can realize that you hit a bump in the road that you didn't see coming, and can realize that 99% of the time, things don't end this way. I'm not a doctor but it would seem you experienced some very intense trauma in this case, probably because you never expected this to end this way. So having trust issues is not an abnormal reaction. What you're feeling in this case would strike me as perfectly normal because if you can't trust your spouse, then who can you trust right? So I get it completely because I have a hard time trusting women. We live in a world that has many desperate people who are looking for a free ride because they want to take the easy road. However, my best advice is to look at this incident as an isolated one, because every statistic out there says these cases are extremely rare. From there try and reboot your mind and set some reasonable expectations. Also, trust yourself and your judgment. You seem like someone who has the capacity to know whether or not you can trust someone. Put your good judgment to work for you because now you have gained valuable life experience.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 September 2015):
 You're missing the biggest part of your story!!
What happened in your marriage that caused you to leave after one week without consummating it?
Was your marriage arranged? Who ended it? Why did it have this lasting impact on you?
You said that "not everyone is like your previous husband AND in-laws", so obviously it's not just you that saw something terribly wrong in your ex-husband and in-laws.
What happened? Was your ex-husband a criminal? A rapist? Were his in-laws part of a child-pornography ring?
I can't help you unless you give us even a vague backstory on what happened to you, because ending a marriage a week later without consummation is extremely unusual.
So what's up?
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (21 September 2015):
I don’t think there’s an easy answer for you, but I think you need to understand that keeping relatives happy is not a sensible reason to take on the serious commitment of a relationship, let alone marriage. I think you will need to first form a friendship with some-one over time, date and get to know them very slowly in order to develop trust in that person. You don’t say much about the first marriage but how well did you really get to know him? You know intellectually that not all men are the same but you think your next one will be one of the untrustworthy ones again. Some-one will have to take the time with you to persuade you otherwise.
As for your parents, talk to them and explain how your first marriage has impacted on you. Reassure them how happy you are now and let them know that for you, any relationship will have to develop slowly as you re-learn to trust. Maybe they won’t be able to accept your choices but this is really the best you can do. You can’t live your life for other people.
I wish you all the very best.
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