A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Can someone please help me with this situation as I have never known one like it. Ive being going with a guy for the past 5 months. We live very close to each other, 5 mins away. He has never being committed to this relationship and I have often wondered why. His family dont even know I exsist, I only see him a couple of nights a week and only for a couple of hours.He does have a good job and I know it would keep him at work till lateish. But lately I have being very suspicious of him and thought he was seeing someone else. He is spending all his time with a 65 year old woman and the thing is its my friends gran. This isnt something that has just started as my friend says he gone to her house for years. This woman has pigeons and he looks after them for her and helps her breeding them and goes to shows with her. Which is fine if thats his hobby. But he is there every night sometimes till after 10 o clock and there through the day on weekends. He told me he was going to a meeting last night, I asked what about and he didnt tell me he avoided the question. I know for a fact it was to do about pigeons and he took this woman with him and he didnt come home till well after 11.My friend told me that her gran just has to ring him to do jobs for her and he will come up straight away and he told me once that he couldnt let her down. The thing is he is lying to me when he is up there saying hes at his neices or he working late. He doesnt even text me when hes at her house.I cant beleive I am in competion with an old woman and I am jealous of how much she sees him and not me. I am only 19 and he would rather spend time with her than me. I sometimes wonder if she asks him to go up and help her with things.Someone please help me out with this?
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (1 April 2011):
 I think CindyCares nailed this one. I also think that he has a bit of a complex with taking care of older women he cares about. Living with his grandmother probably helps him identify with older ladies better than young ones. He likely finds comfort helping her with her chores as well as his love of the birds.You need to address problems in a relationship in order to resolve anything. What I see as the biggest problem here are the lies. He may not be ready to talk to his family about you yet, and that's fine, but he shouldn't be lying about what he's doing. That kills the trust in a relationship. You need to find out WHY he doesn't feel he can tell you when he's taking care of the birds, or is at that woman's house.The best way to find out is in a discussion. The more attacked we feel, the more defensive we become. This relationship does seem awfully one sided though. He may not have room in his life for you right now, because it's pretty obvious you're a low priority to him. Sorry.
A
female
reader, 2Dumb2notice +, writes (31 March 2011):
you really need to leave that situation alone! I know it seems hard but if you continue you will allow that old hag lover to waste all of your youthfulness in chasing a pointless nightmare! there is someone for you way better than that who will love you unconditionally but you will never have your dream man if you allow this dude to use you up, youngness doesn't last forever and before you know you will be looking at things from his old lady's standpoint hoping he's not doing some sexy young thing (you)on the side. It seems to me he has problem with over-indulgence in security he wants to be covered in all areas sex money and the need to feel wanted... her for incase he ever doesn't want to work probably...he is bad news i'm telling you and staying with his program will only cause you your future! If you stay with that or break up with him and decide to get back with it you have no one to blame but yourself for whatever happens there on... by the way don't allow him to say "I'll change" to make things better cause if you listen it will only make things worst. don't waste your sexy on him he is all mirage (good from a distance and a empty nightmare upclose... don't fall for his temptation and chase his pitiful rainbow you are too young and hot to be held up like that old lady....LET THEM BE! ps don't forget to ignore him and turn the tables on him forever! he only treats you like this because he feels thinks and know that he can if you change that you will be helping young beautiful girls like you everywhere from the likes of him and guys like him! Lead the way!if you like my otherwise very long advice or hate it let me know if you have you have a youtube account you can find me on "chromliah" add me as a friend if i helped you out or whatever! GoodAdviceGiver in Training
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): To eyes wideopen. Hes 26 has a good job is single, no kids he lives with his gran. I am 19, nice looking respectable bubbly girl from a good family. We live in the same village, which is just small. I could walk to his house in a few mins he lives that close but he chooses to keep me a secret from everyone and his family.
I am not making any demands on him to see me all the time. He never makes plans with to see me at anytime or to do anything. I havent seen him since Sunday when we spent Saturday night together and part of sunday and this was staying at a hotel and it was such a good couple of days together. He keeps me hanging all the time never known when I am seeing next so i keep myself busy.
I have just being keeping track of him lately as I thought he had someone else, but he spends all his time at this womans house. The thing is he lies to me saying hes had a late night at work or hes seeing his niece when I know hes at her house he doesnt even text me when hes there. Im not stopping him from enjoying this hobby but he cant be discussing pigeons every night or seeing to them till 10 o clock at night.
I feel like I am seeing a married man and I am just his 'bit on the side' Any advice please its much appreciated.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (31 March 2011):
 Just how old is this guy anyway?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 March 2011):
 A rather elusive answer... of course he is busy ! - if he has chosen to give any minute of his free time to his pidgeons, then he's gonna be busy for the rest of his life .
I am afraid you'll have to be a little more specific- avoiding though to make it like an ultimatum " Either me or the damn birds ".
Like , you know he loves pidgeons and you are happy he is passionate about his hobby and don't want him to give it up , but isn't there any way to compromise ? Like maybe spending one more evening a week you, or alternating Sunday afternoons between you and the birds ? Or having you joining him when he goes out with his friends ?... Isn't there something HE can suggest that would give you some more time together without radically altering his schedule ?
If he agrees about working out something, fine, he may just be someone who has trouble balancing priorities , or never had to , before. If he's is adamant, pidgeons come first , take it or leave it- well, it's up to you- but if it were me I'd tell Birdman to go fly .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): Im defo not that type of girl who makes a guy the centre of my life. I still like to be with friends and doing my own thing.
I have talked to him about spending more time with him but he just says its not cause he wants to its just that hes busy or shattered.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (31 March 2011):
You are not in competition with a 65 years old lady- you are in competition with his passion for pidgeons .
When you share a specific interest with somebody, that in time creates a bond of complicity, of closeness, of mutual ease that goes beyond the hobby itself, and beyond the age and gender of the other person(s).
The problem here, I think , is rather common and it's that in general when a girl gets into a new relationship she dives into it head first and makes the guy the focus of her life, the center of her attention, and the main ( or sole ) source of entertainment and gratification.
Men are smarter in thet. They may like you a lot, but they'll keep other things than romance to fill their life . Friends , sports,games ...pidgeons.
Of course it may also be that you are not at the same stage in this relationship- put bluntly, that you are more ( or much more ) into him than he is into you. Then it's up to you whether you want to hang in there hoping he'll catch up with you- or call it quits and look for someone more available.
But, have you talked to him yet ? Did you tell him that you'd like to spend more time with him ?, and be a bit more involved in his life ?
Maybe you think he should have figured it out by himself- .. could be...but, the point is : not always you get what you want by simply asking it- but if you never ask it, you are sure you won't get it !
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