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female
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anonymous
writes: My b/f and i have been having more fights lately. Been together for a year. Sometimes i feel like his attitude is so indifferent and non-chalant. The way he invites me over to his family's bbq is by saying--what are you doing for the 4th and then my mother is having immediate family over--he thought from that i should consider that an invitation. Then when i say i don't know yet--well whatever it is that you wanna do. I would like it if he can say--well it would be nice if you can come but if you can't its ok too. His attitude just seems like--if i come, i come, and if i dont-i dont..i guess in a way i resent that--but after all was said and done he says--he doesnt get upset if he doesnt get to see me b/c he assumes i am not going anywhere and will just see me another time. I guess i am used to a b/f being a little more disappointed if i am not around. Back to the situation--he is busy doing yardwork--i had to call him twice and called me back--but i really think he was busy or just a huge misunderstanding--i said i would be with my parents but can get a cab and be there at 5 or 5:30 and i asked do u think it would be a problem getting a cab--he says he has no idea and we can worry about it later and he would talk to me when he is done--he took that as--i was coming then at 5 and would call me if there was a problem and i took it as--he isn't done yet and will call me when he is done to discuss the time i should come. That's fine-it happens---BUT the way i felt was why didnt he think to call me within all the hours to check up and see if i was in a cab or what-i just decided not to call assuming he would think to call me--it takes 30 seconds to say where are you..and he says well he is busy and hasn't stopped--i think its a poor excuse--i did not feel like i should call again to say--ok, now is ok for me to come? i felt like that should have been his responsibility and it was annoying how he didnt even think about me at all--for 30 seconds even. I finally call him--and he hurt his finger with the hammer--i understand that--then we are talking about the miscommunication and obviously i am annoyed he didn't call and then i say--so by the time i get a cab with no problem and get there--everyone will be there about 2 hours before me--i just felt annoyed at that--and he said well do whatever you want then(meaning come or don't come) and then he said i'm too hurt right now to be concerned with it--THAT Hurt me!--i dont care what pain you are in, you dont talk like that to your g/f--he can say, i will call u in a few i am in a great deal of pain--what really bothered me was--after he said that--one of his family members pulls up and i assume it was his grandma--and he is being all sweet---if you are in pain to me--you are in pain with everyone--you dont pick and choose who you can treat like crap--that really bothered me--i told him this and he is basically like well thats my grandmother--i said you know--i dont care--you dont be nice to one person and say something hurtful like that to me b/c you are annoyed that i was bothered by u not calling and then u got hurt too by the hammer. So b/c of that--i just didnt go to the bbq--He thinks i completely overreacted to that--but i saw the comment as really hurtful and just showing he can be nice to his family but say something crappy to his g.f. I was actually crying over it--but he doesnt know that. I just said i was upset.Do i let this go? Should i have went to the bbq? Is he a horrible b/f for saying that--my friend and her sister said no way would they go if their boyfriend said that to them. What do i do with this incident? Put it behind me?
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (5 July 2006):
 I think there are two problems here. The first is miscommunication, the second is a personality clash.
You're on the right track in discussing the miscommunication with him, but I think you're making it his 'fault' somehow that he says one thing and you assume that thing's meaning. It's not his fault, just as it's not yours. He's indirect, and you're being literal, and neither of you is completely right.
When he says "what are you doing on the Fourth?" and you're not sure what that means, you should straighten it out with him right at the time of the conversation.
"Are you saying you want me to come around on the Fourth, or are you just curious about my plans?" you might ask.
With your misunderstanding over going to his place when he was working in the yard, you could have said, "Call me when you're finished and I'll come then, because I don't want to interrupt you now."
You now have enough experience with your BF to know that he's indefinite about his invitations (it's a sign of his insecurity by the way... if he doesn't actually invite you, then you can't actually reject him).
There are two responses to that: either you get sick of the namby-pamby way he makes plans, or you overlook it because of his other good qualities, and learn to ask enough questions to pin him down.
Which brings me to the second problem: you and he have a personality clash; you said it yourself. You want him to show that he wants you around, by being "disappointed" if you're not. But with what I suspect is a self-esteem issue, he doesn't want to demonstrate that he misses you, because it gives you an opening to hurt him by using that fact against him. (Or maybe he just doesn't care about you, full stop. But I doubt that, or you would have broken up long ago.)
So you need to recognise that he doesn't say exactly what he means. He may take a long time to understand that you need that. Therefore, you have to decide if this is a deal-breaker for you. What if he can't break that habit? How would you feel? Is he worth it otherwise?
When you're together, does he show he cares about you? Is he affectionate? Is he glad to see you when you do eventually hammer out a date? Does being with him make you happy?
If so, then maybe you learn that this is part of his personality -- and you can't change him to suit you. You either accept it and learn to extract more definite details, or you regard him as too much trouble and leave.
No, he's not a "horrible boyfriend" for making comments that hurt you. I'd say he's more insensitive, and I'd suggest that you're overreacting a little, because you're comparing him to your other relationship(s). Try accepting him at face value, without comparing him to someone else. How does that make you feel? Do you even like him? Or do you cling because you just want to be with someone?
Answer those questions and you're on the way to resolving your problem.
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