A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 19 and I've suffered from bulimia since i was 11 years old but now although i acknowledge there’s a problem I’m terrified to get help. I’m also highly worried about what i have done to my body and the irreversible damage I may have caused, I’m only 5.5 and weigh 7st/ I’m a size 6, I gain weight really easily and have to take drastic action to keep myself this size as i was always overweight as a child.Although I really want help I’m really scared doctors will make me gain weight, but everyday I wake up exhausted. I’ve been buying ephedrine off of the internet, and I’m really worried as that wont help matters but I cant stop taking it, I also have taken around 9 laxatives a day for the past 4 years and vomit when i eat anything more than an apple. When I’m out I feel great as I have previously used a lot of drugs to try and get my mind off it, although I no longer take anything, I am still a heavy drinker, but when im at home i get depressed and its getting unbearable!I always feel spaced out and sick with really bad stomach cramps, my memory is getting bad now too, and I feel really doddery like an elderly women… and I always have aches and pains. I once even OD'd on painkillers to make me ill because I had been to a restaurant for my brothers birthday. My parents have had suspicions for years but I see myself as an ok weight now so if I start doing things properly I’m going to get bigger and I really don’t want that! But my mum said laxatives and ephedrine will end up killing me one day and I’m petrified because now I am starting to think that she may be right. Thinking about it just makes me feel like I have nothing to live for, what can I do? I want help but I don’t want to get fat as I put on weight easily! I feel like an old women and constantly sick, I have no energy. Although I want to enjoy food, I always feel an overwhelming feeling of guilt after. I’m so depressed… have I caused irreversible damage or is there something I can do?- Carla
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): i had bulimia for 3 years! and it totaly messed my life up!! my relationship with my parents is a disaster cause i put them through hell! i'm totaly paranoid of my bf gowing out without me cause i think he will cheat on me! but really i'd rather be my healthy weight than go back to what i put the people i love through and i know how hard it is with people saying that you're unfit and making fun cause you're doing it but they have no idea what youre gowing through until it's happend to them!! and you do really need to talk to someone before it really gets out of hand!! it hooks you
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2007): I don't know anything about eating disorders, but I would say that a good first step would be to find a program or support group. The second thing I would say is that if you are living your life this way that is making you so miserable, sick and have no energy, that makes you so sad and depressed and stressed out you are questioning what you have to live for... then is being thin really worth the price you are paying for it? Wouldn't it be better to have energy and be able to enjoy your life, even if means living with a few extra pounds? I'm willing to bet the only one who even notices them is you. You likely don't see your own body in a realistic light. Honey, I think you need to let this fear of fat go and just live your life. Find a support group who can help you. I'll start - I'm a size 10, and I am very happy. I could probably lose about 25 lbs... but I don't worry about it. I have lots of friends who all tell me I'm gorgeous, I go on lots of dates with very attractive men, they don't care about my weight at all. It's the confidence and the happiness with yourself that are sexy, not the skinny body. If someone told me that I could lose the 25 lbs but have to feel like you describe - I wouldn't take that deal. Why are you?
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A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (7 October 2007):
 hey you,
first of all congratulations on realising you have a problem with food and it is something you WANT to stop. Thats the hardest part done.
from what you said your height and weight are, i calculated your BMI on http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/bmicalc.htm and you are definitely underweight, you need to put on a bit of weight and it is important you remember that it will NOT make you fat! it will make you healthy. Ideally for your height you should weigh between 8 and 10.5 stone.
You are right that doctors will encourage you to gain weight but they are not doing that to make you fat and nobody will let you get obese hun. Your health has to come first and right now you are doing a lot of damage to it. Constantly vomiting is not good for anyone - the stomach acid you are bringing up damages your teeth but more importantly, that acid NEEDS to be in your stomach - its there for a reason, to line it and protect it. when you vomit you are also causing damage to your heart because you bring up the protective fluids surrounding it too. laxatives are not meant to be taken frequently, you will disrupt your digestive system and they have little to no effect on weight loss anyway. a laxative disrupts the bowel to remove waste produce from there - the nutrients and everything like it is taken into the body from the stomach so by the time it gets to the bowel its already absorbed. by taking laxatives you are getting rid of only the waste.
Bulimia is a psychological issue. You didnt mention any, but i'll bet there was some sort of upset in your life around the time you started doing this and you feel in control of your life when you are in control of your weight and what is in your body and what is not. you have programmed yourself to believe that you will never be happy unless you are very thin - this is not the case and it is something a councilor can help you with because that is the root problem here.
please see your doctor, they will be very understanding and helpful - they will want to help you and to see you healthy and happy. you deserve a better life than one of constant tiredness, aches and pains and imagine how good it will feel when you are free of bulimia and not constantly worrying about calories or hiding things from people. They dont want to see you fat, they just want you to be healthy and they want your body to have the nutrients and the goodness it needs to survive. Call your doctor asap, ask to speak to a female one if possible. You will be very proud of yourself.
good luck and you can email me anytime
brooke
xx
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (6 October 2007):
 Carla dear,
You are going down a path of self destruction and I think you realize this. I know you said you don't want to get help because they will make you gain weight. Two choices here, gain a healthy weight (they will NOT make you fat in fact, they will go out of their way to keep you somewhat slim just because of your illness). The other choice is dying a slow and painful death of mal-nourishment and hurting those all around you who will regret not being able to help you. I watched my sister do this and I can tell you there is permanent damage to her stomach, her brain and her vision. She has recovered somewhat and she looks great and has maintained a healthy weight for several years. She required substantial help from a professional eating disorder clinic to do this however. She was one of the lucky ones because while she was there I watched two women your age die. Please Carla get the help you need. Life can be so much better than a weight. God Bless.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2007): You will certainly kill yourself if you continue down this path. In fact, given the extreme measures you are taking, I think you are lucky to have survived as long as you have. You are living on borrowed time if you continue this lifestyle. Girls drop dead from heart attacks when they mess with bulimia, and every time you vomit you are risking it.
Your body is weak and malnourished, and it won't be able to sustain itself for long- it will only get weaker and weaker unless you change your habits.
Also, obviously given your current state of mind, you consider gaining weight to be the worst thing that could possibly happen to you. It isn't, and the reason you fear it so much is because of your disorder. You say you don't want to go into treatment because they will make you gain weight, but they will also make you see that you NEED to gain weight to be healthy. That fear will go away gradually over time as you sort your mental problems out, with counselling and professional support.
Check yourself into an inpatient clinic if you can, look for some in your area. It sounds like you are on the verge of a physical collapse, you may pass out and never regain consciousness, or have a heart attack, or something similar. Your body needs nourishment, so does your mind.
If you don't want to go inpatient treatment, then go into outpatient therapy. Go today, or tomorrow. Go as soon as you can.
You have caused serious damage to your body. It may be reversible- it may not be- you can get checked out by a physician and they will tell you the extent of the damage. Chances are you are incredibly frail and unhealthy. You will have weak bones and muscles. Your blood pressure will probably be very low as well. It might not be, but you should get your body examined thoroughly to see the extent of the damage. Your esophagus will surely be damaged from all of the vomiting. Your stomach may have trouble digesting and holding food as well because of this.
I speak as someone who has had experience with eating disorders, I had one for about 4 years- not as long as you- but I got out of it. It was hard. I still struggle with it. But I feel much healthier now, and much happier. I went into therapy, and was put onto antidepressants, and both of these things helped me to overcome my irrational fears and my self-hatred.
Good luck, and get help ASAP... your body will give up the fight before your mind has a chance to fight back.
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (6 October 2007):
 Hi there, i just want to start by saying i think that it is great that you have realised that you do have a problem, that is the first step babe, now you need to act on this but you are going to need alot of support, now your paremts obviously realise there is something going on so if i were you i would open up to them and tell them your fears and that you would really like it if they could help you through this.
The only way you are going to repair any damage that may well have been done to your body is by going to see you gp and finding out, they will not make you eat so much that you will get fat, yes they will want you to pu on some weight but it will be gradual and controlled.
You have come this far, now please take the next step there will be plenty of people to support you.
Take care.xx.
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (6 October 2007):
It's never too late to change to healthy habits. I suggest you find a eating disorder group and join. Make menus for a week ahead and follow them and your weight. Keep tract in a daily diary. Make small adjustments to your calorie to keep your ideal weight.
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