A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:me and my boy friend has been dating for almost 2 years now. we love each other and we are crazy about eachother.recently i have moved to another country to study.in here im so free, i live alone. my parents live in another country and i have just got my freedom. i hang out wid my friends even late at night. and recently i have met this guy.and i have started havin sumthin wid him. and before i realised it i have betrayed my boyfriend. now i dont feel like i deserve my boy friend as hes really nice and he luvs me a lot. i dont even feel like we are meant to be anymore.we even have so much of fights and we break up and get back together again a lot. i dont know wat to do. can i be the girl i was before with my boy friend. i know i really love him and i want this to work out. should i tell my boy friend what has happened or should i pretend it never happened and continue being like this? im feeling guilty for betraying him each and every second of my life now. and all i know is if i tell my boy friend the truth he will leave me and go.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): Your cheating is burdening your BF already, he just doesn't know it yet. You will continue to be sad for reasons that he won't be able to understand. He cannot even try to help you if he doesn't understand what's wrong. The more he tries to help, the more effort he puts into helping you, the more guilty and worse you will feel until you start to resent him for trying to help. You will eventually feel less connected to him because you're so busy keeping up your mythical image for him that you can't let him see the real you anymore. This is how secret cheating breaks up a lot of relationships.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): If you want to stay with your boyfriend dont tell him anything. Yes you feel guilty but you realise that you made a mistake. Why burden him with that? It is your mistake and you should carry that guilt as a reminder everyday not to repeat the mistake and work on having a great relationship. Everyone makes mistakes in some way but telling him just because you feel guilty is just going to make him feel awful when he doesnt need to. If you know it was wrong what you did and you know you are not going to do it again then why spoil what you have. I take it that he will never find out unless you tell him because it was in a different country.People will say honesty is the best policy but it is not always the case. Never forget what you did and live with that knowledge to make your relationship a good one.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): You owe it to your boyfriend to confess to him about betraying him. At least then you will be honest about it and it will be up to him to forgive you or not. Make no mistake if he loves you he will be devastated by this news i know from personal experience. If on the orther hand you do not tell him it will be on your conscience and the guilt of it will eat you alive. If your boyfriend cheated on you wouldnt you want to know ? I hope your boyfriend can forgive you but if he does not you will have lerned a very valuable lesson. Good luck for the future
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): I think it depends on what you really want. Do you really want to be with your boyfriend, and to try and work things out? It's just that you say you feel like you aren't meant to be anymore. So I am wondering if you would actually like to move on from him? If so, there is nothing wrong with that, but I think you will need to be honest about it, and not try to stay out of guilt.
However, if you do want to try and work things out with him, I think you will need to look at what is not working in the relationship, and see how they can be improved. No relationship is perfect, but with effort the little problems and difficulties we face can be worked on.
As for whether you should tell him what happened...I think it depends on whether you think you can keep this a secret. Okay, if you tell him, he might leave you. There is that risk. But you will have been honest, and will not have to try and hide anything. Or, if you don't tell him, he may never find out. But would you be able to cope with having that secret? You say you are feeling guilty every second, so if it is getting to you that much, I think it might be very hard for you to keep it from him. Also, it might slip out at a later stage, and telling him later rather than sooner might be worse than if you was to tell him quickly and get it over with.
It is a difficult situation you are in, and a difficult choice you will have to make. Do what you feel is right. It may not be easy, but be strong. Try to find what is missing or not right in your relationship, and see if together, you and he can work things out. I hope it all goes well for you. x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): Tell him the truth. You even said yourself you dont feel like you belong with him anymore. If you dont tell the truth, the rest of your relationship with him will be a lie.
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